Eeyore was eating an apple when I looked up at him and he had a panicked look on his face. I asked what was wrong, thinking he was choking and ohmigod I’m going to have to do the Heimlich maneuver and a big ol’ chunk of apple is going to come flying out of this kids throat but what if it doesn’t and HOLYSHIT he could die! He answered me that he couldn’t swallow anymore because it hurt to bad. I said lets go get a drink of water, assuming he had just swallowed a piece of apple wrong and it was hurting his throat.

We went to the kitchen. He started gagging. I started imagining him dying on our kitchen floor. He bent over the garbage can, puked up a bunch of brown stuff (apparently when you eat a whole bag of m&m’s you don’t get rainbow puke, just a brown soupy mixture) and I got him some water and wiped his mouth.

He straightened up, stated "I’m okay," and walked off.

Great. If your so fine, maybe you could go dial 911 for me, cuz I’m pretty sure my heart just stopped.

Today I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher when Cindy-Lu brought me the package of juice boxes that hadn’t been opened yet. I took it from her and tried to rip the plastic covering off and dropped it on my foot.

Emma immediately bent over and said "Oh no! Don’t cry! Is ok!" The pain immediately disappeared as I marveled at what a sweet girl I have. At that point she had scooped up the package of juice boxes and started hugging and kissing it and saying "Don’t cry, juice bok, don’t cry!"

No, no. Don’t worry about my foot. It’ll be fine.

Overheard today while waiting at the deli in the grocery store:

Child: Mom, can I get some fruit? (As they are headed into the produce section.)

Mom: No! (All exasperated like.)

Child: But why? (All whiny like.)

Mom: Because you already got cookies and ice cream! (Frantically waving them in her daughter’s face to emphasize the point.)

Hello? Anyone still here? Oh good. I haven’t scared you all away with my drunken writing.

A couple posts ago, Jennifer left a comment that probably confused the crap outta you. She said that I love to pull bacon off my child’s nakey arse. Where would she get such information you ask? Well, let me explain lest you all think I am some naked child bacon eating freak.

Once upon a time I made bacon and eggs and pancakes for dinner. Yum. I love me some bacon. Cleatus works 3rd shift so I woke him up with breakfast in bed at dinner time. We were sitting on our bed eating our breakfast when Cindy-Lu came in, naked as always, and snatched a piece of bacon off my plate. She then proceeded to jump around on the bed and drop the bacon and possibly sit on it, but I didn’t see her so I can’t be sure but it is highly likely that she did, because she is 2 and not very steady while jumping on a bed. After she got off the bed and I had eaten all my food I saw that lonely little piece of bacon sitting in the middle of the bed. And I snatched the little fucker up and I ate it. The end.

I am a bacon eating machine. Nothing can stop me. Not poop, not pee, not little girl booty germs. Nothing can come between me and bacon.

Crap. I ran out of room for the title. Thats OK.

Me and Cleatus are trashed. Trashed, I tell you. Please forgive typos and extra commas. I like comma.s  They are my friends. I have a bad habit of adding them where they don’t belong. Fuck off.

So, I just got drunk. Me and Cleatus (or Cleatus and I) played Crazy 8s and Go Fish. The Crazy 8s loser had to do a shot of vodka. I think I probably lost. That would totally explain the eleventh billion shots that I did. And then we played Go Fish. I had to do four shots in one effing round. FOUR SHOTS.  I’m drunk. Drunk as a skunk. And I don’t even know what the means.

Usually when we get drunk we have some crazy exciting s-e-x and tonight was no exception (hello, computer chair with arms that totally got in the way but I can maneuver around them like MacGyver because I am cool like that) and then pass out in bed but I decided to grace y’all with some drunk blogging. Because I have never before bogged while drunk and thought it would be fun. Cleatus was just putting his pants on and totally bounced from one wall to the other and back and back again and it was really funny. You should have seen it. Except that would mean you saw him nekkid and thats for my eyes only. Poor you.

OK, guys. Thats enough of the drunk Karly to last you a lifetime. I must go away now. By the way, if you were wondering what kind of mommy gets drunk, I thought I should tell you that my kids are spending the night with their Nana and we are home alone. Cleatus is taking advantage of this and smoking in the house. I will go kill him now. Hi-yaaaaaaaaaaaa!