When I was in high school I did some pretty crazy things. One of the best parts of having done some of those things is being able to go back and tell my parents what I used to do. "When I ran away to Nebraska we picked up a hitch hiker named George who ate day old food from the back seat of our car!" GASP! So much fun.

Heres a fun little story that won’t so much make you gasp, but it might make you call PETA on me. Just remember, I was in high school and I was dumb.

My friend Dana and I use to drive to the back of the new Super Wal-Mart in our town. It was located on the river and we’d go back where no one  could see us and  just hang out and goof around.  A couple times we jumped into the river (which, looking back, EW and OHMIGOD WE SO COULD HAVE DIED!) but mostly we just hung out and talked and goofed off.

One day we noticed a goose on a nest. We had so much fun tormenting this poor goose. We would walk as close as we dared, the whole time the goose freaking out and screeching at us to get out of her fucking way she was trying to make some damn babies you bitches!

Eventually we grew brave enough and charged that poor little goose and she flew away leaving her little eggs to be kidnapped by the likes of us.

We took two. One for each of us.

Back to my house we went where we wrapped each egg up in the dirty laundry we found strewn across my bedroom and placed them on the heating vent. Looking back, I don’t think the heating vent was the warmest place since it was summer and the heat was never turned on for the poor little bastards.

We loved those eggs. We were so gentle and kind and every now and again one of us would squat over the goosies and pretend to be a mother goose all the while praying that we wouldn’t topple over and wind up with dead goose guts all over our asses.

After a couple weeks we grew bored waiting for the damn gooses to hatch.

Side note: I know that gooses are actually geese, but ever since we played with mama goose, multiple gooses were called gooses for some reason. I’ve said gooses for so long now that its damn near impossible for me to say geese.

So, we got tired of waiting and I convinced Dana to take her egg out back and chuck it into the woods. We wanted to see how close they were to hatching. THANK GOD they weren’t close to hatching and never were going to hatch. If we cracked that egg and a dead baby goose was laying in there it probably would have broke my heart. That or made me vomit. Either way, I’m glad the egg was rotten.

We went back in the house and continued caring for my egg, hoping that it would eventually hatch. I even dreamed about the damn goose hatching and me being the first thing it saw so I would be its mommy forever. Its okay if you just gagged from the corniness of it all. I did too.

Eventually my baby goosie started stinking and we chucked him out into the woods as well.

C’est la vie. 

I still have a thing for gooses though.