I knew when Cleatus got cut that I wasn’t having any more kids. I mean, intellectually I KNEW that it was over. No more babies. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Spermies are all dried up and gone to spermie heaven.

And I was okay with that.

The doctor told Cleatus that he had to, um, YOU KNOW fourteen times before bringing in a sample of, um, YOU KNOW to be tested. And then he told him to bring him the sample in one month. (DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT CLEATUS IS MARRIED? WITH CHILDREN? Seriously? FOURTEEN times in ONE month? Thats like EVERY OTHER DAY!)

So, being the loving winner wife that I am, I handed him a bottle of pretty smelling lotion and told him to hop to it, those spermies weren’t gonna just jump outta his, um, YOU KNOW without a little action. And then I left the room.

(Why, yes, he is totally cool with the internets knowing all about how his wife makes him masturbate. He loves that.)

And then he started working on our car and got all sweaty and dirty. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is sexier than a dirty, sweaty, greasy man.

So, for the first time since he had his little procedure, we made love. And I am only saying made love because it was nice and tender. Why was it nice and tender? Because I started bawling like a big fucking baby about two minutes into it. Why did I start bawling? (And I do mean bawling. There was SNOT people. In the middle of sex.) Because I was never going to have another baby again. For real. And it wasn’t just me thinking about it and deciding to go ahead with the vasectomy and feeling like I was okay with it. It was FOR REAL LETS HAVE SEX AND HOLY SHIT THERE ARE NO SPERMIES AND MY UTERUS IS CRYING AND CALLING ME NAMES.

So, after we finished (which took quite awhile…apparently snot and tears are not sexy?) Cleatus told me how much he loved me and blah blah blah and we went to bed.

And now my period is late. Over a week late. And so what did I do today? I went to a website that does pregnancy calenders and calculated my due date (January 29, 2008) and named the baby (Piper for a girl, Connor for a boy) and planned to get t-shirts for the kids with those iron on letters and spelling out "I’m a big sister!" for Cindy-Lu and "I’m a big brother x 2!" for Eeyore and then taking them around to family and saying "look at their new shirts!" and then watching the looks on everyones faces and this time I was going to breast feed since I didn’t do that with my first two and MY FIRST TWO? I’d be a mom to THREE! Oh, I always wanted three kids and this is going to be so FANTASTIC and would you just look at that? A UNICORN prancing around my back yard!

And then I bought a pregnancy test.

It was negative.

I haven’t cried yet. But, I plan to do that while laying in bed tonight. Because, like an asshole, I am already so attached to this baby that never was. I just KNEW that I was pregnant. And I was so happy.

Last night I took Eeyore, Cindy-Lu and T (kid from across the street) to McDonald’s for dinner and a germ filled good time in the playland. The kids were having a blast and there were only two other families there so it wasn’t too terribly loud and awful.

We stayed for quite awhile and one of the families that had gotten there before us left. They threw away their garbage, but left stray fries all over their table. (I find that very annoying. Clean up after yourself or go to a sit down restaurant!)

About five minutes after this family left another family came in. The mother was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt that were obviously old, dirty, and worn often. The father was at least twice the mom’s age and pretty skeevy looking. The kids (probably 2 1/2 and 9 months) were both dirty and mismatched with clothes that didn’t properly fit and hair that hadn’t been washed in who knows how long.

They sat in the booth directly in front of the booth with food strewn all over it. (Do you know where I am going with this yet?)

The mom got everyones food situated and they started eating. After a few minutes I noticed the mom was reaching behind her and grabbing fries off of the other table and feeding them to her baby. FRIES THAT SOMEONE ELSE LEFT ON THE TABLE.

Obviously this family didn’t have much money and my heart broke for that little baby and for the mother for having to resort to THAT to feed her children. I considered buying the kids a happy meal, because they were obviously still hungry.

AND THEN.

And then I watched the bitch reach into her box of chicken nuggets, pull one out, and pop it into her mouth.

I had thought that she was out of food, her baby was still hungry and she wasn’t able to buy him more food. BUT NO! She was eating the good food herself and feeding the baby some stranger’s left overs!

After I stared in disgust and judged her to my hearts content, I watched her take the high chair tray off the high chair and dump it. On the floor. She was two feet from the garbage can and she dumped the left overs on to the floor where my children are running around playing.

(And then I saw a cockroach crawl out of her ear and wave at me.)

Some people should just not be allowed to have children. They just shouldn’t, damn it.

There are plenty of studies out there about the benefits of napping. I’m a big napper. I usually lay Cindy-Lu down at noon and head immediately to the couch where I flop onto my belly and fall asleep within 20 seconds. And then I sleep. And I sleep. And I sleep some more. I sleep until Cindy-Lu wakes me up two hours later. But, if it weren’t for her, I’d probably sleep a good 3 hours or more. Which means that I sleep on average 10-11 hours a day. Um, thats almost half the day people. NO WONDER MY HOUSE ISN’T CLEAN!

All those studies recommend sleeping for 20 minutes only. 20 minutes?? I’m just starting to drool at that point and everyone knows that drooly sleep is the very best kind. Unfortunately, I am going to start homeschooling next week and won’t have time for my usual napping marathons. I’m going to have to either eliminate them altogether or switch to the "power nap."

How about you? Do you nap? How often? How long?

Also, can someone explain to me how it is that I’ve got my body trained to fall instantly asleep at noon and will start yawning like mad around 11:45am, but Cindy-Lu, who is also forced asked kindly to nap at the same time everyday sometimes decides against it? I’ve trained myself, now how do I train her, damn it?

At 4pm this Sunday afternoon blogger, Karly, of Wiping Up Snot, went out to the backyard to start up the grill. She turned the gas for both burners on and then noticed that the grill was sitting lopsided and the back was tilted downwards. She moved the grill around for a few moments before deciding it was in a good spot. She then started to lift the lid, remembered that she hadn’t lit the grill yet and pushed the ignite button.

Ok. So not really. Everything in the first paragraph is true though. And a big ball of fire did come flying out and had I been standing an inch closer to the grill my belly would be toast. So, really, I did almost die. Or at least thats what I ran around saying to anyone who would listen.

Dumbass. 

Pinks and Blues is having a contest! I love contests! But this contest? Is the very best ever! They are giving away a DOONEY AND BOURKE summer bag!! Yes, I did say Dooney and Bourke if you didn’t catch that!If we have ever met, you know how I feel about this and you know that if I do not win this bag that something horrible will happen. I will die. That is what will happen. I WILL DIE.