Because I Am An Asshole | Wiping Up Snot

I knew when Cleatus got cut that I wasn’t having any more kids. I mean, intellectually I KNEW that it was over. No more babies. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Spermies are all dried up and gone to spermie heaven.

And I was okay with that.

The doctor told Cleatus that he had to, um, YOU KNOW fourteen times before bringing in a sample of, um, YOU KNOW to be tested. And then he told him to bring him the sample in one month. (DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT CLEATUS IS MARRIED? WITH CHILDREN? Seriously? FOURTEEN times in ONE month? Thats like EVERY OTHER DAY!)

So, being the loving winner wife that I am, I handed him a bottle of pretty smelling lotion and told him to hop to it, those spermies weren’t gonna just jump outta his, um, YOU KNOW without a little action. And then I left the room.

(Why, yes, he is totally cool with the internets knowing all about how his wife makes him masturbate. He loves that.)

And then he started working on our car and got all sweaty and dirty. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is sexier than a dirty, sweaty, greasy man.

So, for the first time since he had his little procedure, we made love. And I am only saying made love because it was nice and tender. Why was it nice and tender? Because I started bawling like a big fucking baby about two minutes into it. Why did I start bawling? (And I do mean bawling. There was SNOT people. In the middle of sex.) Because I was never going to have another baby again. For real. And it wasn’t just me thinking about it and deciding to go ahead with the vasectomy and feeling like I was okay with it. It was FOR REAL LETS HAVE SEX AND HOLY SHIT THERE ARE NO SPERMIES AND MY UTERUS IS CRYING AND CALLING ME NAMES.

So, after we finished (which took quite awhile…apparently snot and tears are not sexy?) Cleatus told me how much he loved me and blah blah blah and we went to bed.

And now my period is late. Over a week late. And so what did I do today? I went to a website that does pregnancy calenders and calculated my due date (January 29, 2008) and named the baby (Piper for a girl, Connor for a boy) and planned to get t-shirts for the kids with those iron on letters and spelling out "I’m a big sister!" for Cindy-Lu and "I’m a big brother x 2!" for Eeyore and then taking them around to family and saying "look at their new shirts!" and then watching the looks on everyones faces and this time I was going to breast feed since I didn’t do that with my first two and MY FIRST TWO? I’d be a mom to THREE! Oh, I always wanted three kids and this is going to be so FANTASTIC and would you just look at that? A UNICORN prancing around my back yard!

And then I bought a pregnancy test.

It was negative.

I haven’t cried yet. But, I plan to do that while laying in bed tonight. Because, like an asshole, I am already so attached to this baby that never was. I just KNEW that I was pregnant. And I was so happy.

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21 Comments so far
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(((Karly)))

Oh man. How ’bout some hugs? And tissues?

Lots of hugs being sent your way. And a crate of kleenex.

Would you hate me if I told you I thought this post was hilarious? Because OMG it was. Thought probably because I can relate, so um, (((hugs))) to you….trying not to giggle, but dear God you can write.

Aw sweetie, I’m so sorry. I wish I could make it better.

You are so not an asshole. The decision to stop having kids isn’t always black/white, and wondering ‘what if’ isn’t bad. I’m sorry it didn’t turn out the way you hoped.

OMG, that’s as much fun as the movies! I laughed, I cryed then laughed again. Got to admit I did get a little excited, too. The thought of another baby, woo hoo!!! Thanks for the ride, Sis.

The husband had the old snip in February, I’ve already taken a few pregnancy tests and “dreamed” a little. They give us a time span, three months for the first check, six for the second.

I can relate. I’ve mourned countless imaginary babies. Even though I don’t want anymore kids it took awhile to accept that there was no way it was going to happen. Now we have the best sex ever because I no longer have to worry about getting knocked up. On a less serious note, this post totally cracked me up!

I totally relate. I was smiling and nodding as I read this, and then I busted out laughing when I got to the unicorn. I’m sorry though. The end of an era always sucks.

((((you))))

[Can't say my reaction to K's snip snip was similar. I was cheering and thinking - we can have SPONTANEOUS sex anywhere without birth control!! Wooo hooo.]

Oh, Karly. If we lived closer, I’d be on your doorstep with a chocolate cake and then we’d go shoe shopping.

I’m sorry you were disappointed, but this was a great place. You, with the words, it’s good.

OK. I am a dork. Meant to write, “but this was a great POST.” Not place.

Me, with the words, not good.

Sorry you were so dissapointed mate…. I have been there too believe it or not. Never say never either… I had 4, husband had the chop then I left him! Remarried and had 2 more… husband No. 2 had the chop…. daughter no 2 had 2 babies and ditched them at birth… I got 2 more… so I ended up with 8 !!! So there is no telling what can happen, not that I wish you were to leave your husband…. just don’t go counting your chickens (oops kids) cos ya just NEVER KNOW. I hope you are having a better weekend after all that… taken another pregnancy test yet???

Oh my gosh. I was coming here simply to heads up you that I’m linking your great blog… and now this. I’m really sorry…I don’t know what to say because this was so funny, yet heartbreaking all at the same time.

sorry

If you hate people you don’t know linking you, let me know.

fourteen times in one month…i wish a dr. ordered MY husband to do that. i don’t wish to go through what you are right now, and i’m sorry for your pain! but i do have to say that is quite a guy that would go through with that.

Well, well! I imagine your turmoil. And you definitely do not belong to the category of assholes. Because what you wrote is a) real life and b) a most gorgeous post.

I’m so sad for you! Why the permanent (kind of) solution if you’ve always wanted 3 kids and are sad to not be pregnant?

We’ve been trying for another baby for a year now. I’ve had symptoms that made me think I was definitely pregnant again, but no such luck. Hugs!

Oh!! That sucks. Sucks! Is it possible it’s too early?

We’re having a hard time with the snippity-snip decision ourselves (and we HAVE three).

Ouch, I feel this post. Ouch. Ouch ouch.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken countless NEGATIVE pregnancy tests after dreaming of “the baby that never was”…but you never know what’s to be! Bam, I was blessed with twin boys after making myself believe that I was truly infertile!!! What’s meant to be always is…good luck getting that 3rd child whether your husband is snipped or not…you know nothing but abstinence is 100% :o)

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