I get around, oh, eleventy billion emails a day asking if my penis is large enough to make my girlfriend happy. I always feel sorry for the people who answer no to that question, but then I hit the delete button and move on with my day.

And then today I received this email and, really, how could I not share it with y’all?

Hello my friend!

I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (LINK) are bad.

Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..

My dog and I are still alive

Its up. My first post at GNMParents. If you wanna go say hi, I’d love you forever.

My cousin Danielle lives about, oh, 24 hours away from me. (Why yes, I know that most people measure distance in miles, but I prefer to measure by number of hours it takes me to get there. Deal with it.) The last time I saw her I was a few months pregnant with Cindy-Lu. And before that it had been around 10 years since I’d seen her.

Needless to say, I don’t know her very well, but I do know that she is a good person, caring and kind. She is in her early 20s and going to nursing school and also working as an EMT.

Last night Danielle got a call in to work and as she was on her way she went around a turn came upon a tree fallen in the road. She swerved into a field and was thrown from the car.

She broke her back and neck, has minimal bleeding on the brain, a collapsed lung, and a bruised kidney.

She is in the ICU now and stable, but will probably be there for quite awhile. Last night her back was really hurting, which sucks, but everyone is happy that she can at least feel.

She is a good person with so much ahead of her and she just doesn’t deserve this. Please, whatever you do, if its pray or think good thoughts, or hell if you wanna do some sort of Indian tribal healing dance, please do. (And if you choose the tribal dance route, I’d appreciate a video. I’m sure it would help to cheer Danielle up.)

Alright. Are you ready? Here it is…

I am going to start writing over at GNMParents. I know. Its not as exciting to you guys as I played it up to be, but it is so exciting to me because it means that SOMEONE THINKS I CAN WRITE. Like a real person. Thinks that I can write. Not just my mom. Someone not related to me. She thinks that I would be an "excellent addition" to the site! Me! Excellent!

So. There it is. The news.

You can read my bio here (all the way at the bottom of the page), but its not quite right. For some reason the links didn’t copy over from my word document to the site, so that will get fixed soon.

I’ll have a post up about homeschooling every Friday at noon!

YAY ME!

Alright, so I STILL can’t tell you my good news. I should have just waited until I knew it was okay to share with you all, but I have a big mouth and so I blabbed and I’m sorry. Hopefully tomorrow, definitely by the end of the week! Still love me?

And, because I’m working my butt off trying to get a unit study on dinosaurs together for next week, I haven’t got much in the way of a post today. Instead I will leave you with these funnies.

"Psh, psh. Dere. Is dat better, mommy?" Said by Cindy-Lu after "shooting" my computer with her brother’s toy gun. Because a bullet would totally improve the functioning of my laptop.

"Aw, thanks, Poppy! Dat was nice!" Said by Cindy-Lu to her Poppy (grandpa) for the balloon that she had stolen from his room at the nursing home. Poppy was in the nursing home when she said this. Cindy-Lu was not. My guess is that he did not hear her.

"Uh, mom? Did you take that pill last night?" Said by Eeyore after I yelled at Cindy-Lu for something. (I stopped taking my Lexapro again and ITS SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO STOP IT GOD DAMN IT? and had to apologize to him for being so grumpy and explained that it wasn’t because of him but because I stopped taking some medicine that helped me not be so grouchy.)

"Hey, can you tell Pat (Cleatus’s friend who was outside working on our car) that I am working over today and won’t be home until around 1pm." Said by Cleatus on the phone from work. I yelled out the message to Pat. "And in case you didn’t know, I won’t be home until about 1pm today." Said by Cleatus to me. After I relayed the message to Pat. In case I didn’t hear or something.

"Congratulations, honey! I’m so proud of you!" Said by mom after I told her the news that I can’t tell you guys yet. (Why, yes, I am a bitch. But you already knew that, didn’t you?)