I have a small confession to make. Potential buyers of my house please back away from the computer.
We are not looking for a new house ONLY because we have outgrown this one. It is also not because we really would like a basement for Cleatus to go do manly things in or a two stall garage for me to park my minivan in. It’s not really because Cindy-Lu’s bedroom is rinky dinky small and its not because we are in desperate need of a second bathroom.
Sure, those are all contributing factors.
But, the real reason? The reason that had me panicking and rushing Cleatus to GET SHIT DONE so that we could move out LAST MONTH?
Earwigs. That link contains facts and pictures if your interested in the evil that plagues us.
Last year we noticed these bugs were hanging around the trim in our bedroom. Disgusting! And then, by some miracle (and by miracle I mean HORRIBLE TWIST OF FATE) they multiplied. And oh my god, I mean they MULTIPLIED. We ended up spending the summer sleeping on the pull out couch in our living room because the earwigs had literally taken over our bedroom. We didn’t use our bedroom for the entire summer. I’m not even exaggerating one little bit. We closed the door and only opened it every now and again to see if the bugs had piled up so high that we could declare the house a fucking national park for earwigs.
Now, I know y’all don’t really know me and therefore you don’t understand what a big deal these little bugs are to me. I don’t know what it is about insects but I dislike them. Very, very much. The English language does not permit me to really explain how I feel about insects. So, rather than try, I will just tell you that it is bad. I do not function well near bugs.
Fast forward to this Spring, when Cleatus and I were discussing moving now or waiting for another year or so and we both decided to wait. Hopefully next year Cleatus will be making more money and we’ll have a better handle on our finances and know what we can afford since I just recently stopped working.
And then I remembered that it was Spring. And that THE EARWIGS WERE COMING (said in the tone of some creepy old lady with emphysema and a witch’s hat). Needless to say it only took about two seconds of me screaming about the bugs before Cleatus agreed that it might just be wise for us to move RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.
Unfortunately, it is June, and we are still here. So far we haven’t seen too many earwigs. I believe this is because we didn’t put an air conditioner in our bedroom (they like cool areas and we like our bedroom COLD). Don’t get me wrong, I’ve killed a few of the bastards. (Did you know that you can’t squish them? You have to flush them down the toilet! Seriously. They just come back to life if you squish them.) But, our bedroom wasn’t being invaded like it was last year and all was well.
Until last night. I went into our room to get ready for bed and I picked up the sheet to shake it out onto the bed (Cleatus had gotten out of bed not to long before that and the covers were a jumbled mess) and guess what I found? No, really. Guess.
That’s right. I found an earwig. In my motherfucking bed.
Do you know why earwigs are named earwigs? Do you? Did you click the link up there? Because it tells you why.
ITS BECAUSE PEOPLE (used to) THINK THAT THEY CRAWL IN THE EARS OF SLEEPING PEOPLE AND BURROW INTO THEIR BRAINS.
I know, you are having a hard time reading this while breathing into a paper bag, but trust me, its much harder on my end. I have to go find a paper bag, check it for bugs, breathe into it, and type all at the same time. All the while my eyes are darting around the room looking for earwigs waiting for me to fall asleep so they can quite literally suck my fucking brains out.
You can bet your ass that I have relocated to the couch.
Sweet fucking dreams.
JD says:
Wow. This is really strange because I came across your blog completely at random, and yet my wife and I have been discussing a very similar insect problem. We keep finding brown recluse spiders in our house and have been debating whether it is justifiable to want to move just because of bugs. We’ve decided to stick it out for now, and have been spraying all kinds of insect poisons in the meantime. Good luck with the earwigs, or the sale…
June 14th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Swistle says:
Oh my god, I hate those things. I once found one inside the built-in straw of the water bottle I kept beside my chair for sudden thirst while nursing the baby. I am NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL YOU how I discovered it.
June 14th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Lottifish says:
Oh man, I feel for ya’. I’m itching just thinking about it.
On a similar note, I recently got scuba certified and my instructor was telling me to always push this button on the moutpiece that pushes air though it before I put it on. This is so that I can make sure it’s working, but so that I’d remember, he told me that it was to check for Spider so you didn’t suck them in.
Yea. So now everytime I go scuba diving I say “spider check” and push the air through my mouthpice. If I only learned one thing…
June 14th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Chris H says:
I sooo did not need to know that about earwigs mate! EWWW eww eww, MOVE HOUSE RIGHT NOW! Ha ha ha, have you tried getting an exterminator in??? Only a suggestion… I hope if you put the house on the market no one tells them about the bugs !
June 14th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Oh, The Joys says:
This is TERRIFYING!!! How come they can’t be ELIMINATED? Is there no Earwig Terminator?
June 14th, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Shauna says:
Oh god. My ears won’t stop itching!
June 14th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Colleen says:
I hate those things. I have similar feelings for spiders too. eeww eeww eeww
June 14th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
AbsolutelyBananas says:
ewwww!!!! all I can think to say is, good night sleep tight, don’t let the EARWIGS bite!!! I know, I know, that was mean but I just couldn’t resist!! Good luck with the house selling… I don’t blame you for moving, really.
June 15th, 2007 at 12:28 am
baseballmom says:
Bwaaahhh…I HATE earwigs. Worse than any other bug, they creep me out! I remember pulling the cover off the pool, and seeing them all over the place, then feeling one on me and doing a little dancing/panicking type thing. My son asked me what i was doing, and I told him “The earwig dance.” Now every time I see one, I sort of do that. I got goosebumps just reading this post. YIKES.
June 15th, 2007 at 1:26 am
Christi says:
Mwah-ha-ha-ha! I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you, I promise. I’m sure that somewhere deep down you’re laughing. Or maybe you’ll be laughing one day. Or something like that.
Those little suckers CAN be squished, though. It takes a high heel and persistence, that’s all. Not too easy when you’re screaming and swatting at it with the nearest blunt object, but it can be effective.
June 15th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Dawn says:
omfg, what a great introduction to your blog. lol
sorry about the brain suckers though… grrrrrross
I hate-hate-hate bugs too
June 15th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Angel (aka DraMa) says:
You suck. Just know that.
I swore I had a bug in my ear last year. Who knows… it could really be in there, just dead now. But SOMETHING was tickeling my INNER ear last year. UGH! GROSS!!!!!!
You know how I feel about bugs… I have had bugs in my rooms and my bed. It scarred me for life. Those are the worst! Cicadas outside are nothing compared to finding a house centipede in your BED! Yeah, I have.
June 15th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Mrs. Chicky says:
Eewww! Eeww eeww eeeewwwww! Call an exterminator! Call an exorcist!
June 15th, 2007 at 11:07 am
Lene says:
Oh yuck! I know those assholes!
We used to have them in our townhouse when we lived in Texas. I had no idea why they were called that. YUCK!
So did you sleep on the couch again?
June 15th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
kelli in the mirror says:
Reading this post made me really itchy and get full-body shivers and goosebumps. And I get another roll of shivers every time I think of it again. YUCK!
But I guess that means you should be proud of your descriptive writing abilities.
June 15th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Leslie says:
Remember that scene from that Star Trek movie The Wrath of Kahn? When they put that bug in that guy’s ear? I had nightmares about that! Ear bugs. ICK! I wouldn’t be on the couch, I’d be sleeping in the car.
June 15th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Carol H says:
Thanks! Truly, thanks a lot!! Now I am twitching, itching and checking my ears! We have the ladybugsfromhell here. The idiots that be actually let them loose on purpose and now they have infiltrated every nook and cranny of this state. They pile up on the window sills, crawl across the ceiling, and find their way into everything that they possibly can. I can’t drink out of anything that does not have a screw on lid because I panic about drinking one and check my food like a fiend. Blech! Oh, and you can’t squish them because they STANK! No, they don’t stink, they STANK!
June 16th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful. Or Insane. | Wiping Up Snot says:
[...] with bugs or anything. Its just that there COULD BE a bug in my bed and THAT WOULD BE BAD. I think the earwigs traumatized me last year. Oh, and Cleatus LOVES it when he is sleeping peacefully and I bark [...]
August 7th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Alison of a Gun says:
KARLY! I have the same bugs! And I am also lucky enough to have crickets! And last night, I was fast asleep and I jolted awake because I felt something on me. I switched the light on, and jumping around IN MY BED was a cricket! And then I died and barfed at the same time.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:48 pm