Did anyone notice the blankets strewn about my couch in that video of Cindy-Lu? No? Well. They are there because of the bugs. They have been there since June 14. Yes. I have been sleeping on the couch for 3 weeks. Its actually pretty comfy.
You know what is not so comfy? And not so relaxing? And really not very conducive to sleep?
A BIG MOTHERFUCKING BUG FLYING AT MY FACE AND LANDING IN MY GOD DAMN HAIR. IN THE DARK. ON MY HEAD. FLYING. LANDING. HITTING ME. ON THE HEAD. IN MY HAIR. IN THE DARK. BEFORE BED.
You wouldn’t believe the string of words that came out of my mouth. I actually started laughing halfway through because, honestly, I’ve never heard anyone use the word fuck so creatively or loudly before. It would have been really funny if I were watching the panic attack of the century happen to someone else. I mean the part where I was frantically smacking myself in the head to be sure that the bug wasn’t still in my hair while trying to grab my t-shirt off the floor so I wouldn’t have to flee the house naked and simultaneously darting my eyes around the room looking for the bastard while screeching FUCK FRICK MOTHERFUCK SHITFUCKDAMN FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK, well…it would have been pretty damn entertaining if it weren’t happening to me.
And now that my heart rate is, oh, approximately 400 beats per minute, I’m having a wee bit of a problem getting back to sleep.
And the flying bug is still on the loose. Which means that not only do I not know what the fuck kind of bug it was (a flying wood roach? a bee? a flying earwig? a fucking pterodactyl?), I also don’t know where it is or when it will attack again.
Sleep well, my internet friends. Enjoy your bug free homes. I’ll be sitting here on the couch that is no longer safe, weeping because my house is a god damn bug infested hell hole.
Next thing you know I’ll have frogs raining down from my ceiling.
13 Comments so far
Say It!
And you decided to post video of the offspring. Pah. I want to see you suffering. Remind me to ask you how to edit video. I have this AWESOME vid of Dylan, but it’s like 400MB or some shit. Help me.
By Karen on 07.03.07 11:18 pm | Permalink
Ya know, the only thing I keep thinking is… Where the fuck is Cleatus sleeping??? ON the couch too??? Or in the bug infested bed on his own??? Great form of birth control if he’s in his room and you in yours!!! Love the bug in hair story, I would have been the same, but with a nightie on!
By Chris H on 07.04.07 12:18 am | Permalink
Okay, but I am laughing at your panic attack and the longest string of variations on fuck I imagine I have ever seen! Very funny.
But, bugs flying into your hair in the middle of the night are not funny. I completely concur.
By jenn in holland on 07.04.07 2:07 am | Permalink
OK I am not laughing
No really..I am not!
I hope you got some sleep!
By Lene on 07.04.07 5:12 am | Permalink
I got the heebie jeebies. Ick.
Flying bugs are the worst because they’re so unpredictable! LOL
I tried not to laugh WITH you… but you make it too hard. You’re so funny!
By sam on 07.04.07 7:05 am | Permalink
Thank goodness the other commenters are laughing! Cause I almost peed myself reading this.
I’m sorry for your bug problem. But it sure makes for some funny posting!
By Jennifer on 07.04.07 9:55 am | Permalink
If not for your blog, I would be out of diapers by now. Damn hilarity. I have to go change my panties now.
By shuey6 on 07.04.07 10:38 am | Permalink
You need to get one of the outfits that bee keepers wear to protect themselves. And if you do, you must post a picture.
By Leslie on 07.04.07 11:49 am | Permalink
Okay, for your NEXT panic attack, you need to know my personal favourite swearword, which came to me courtesy of “Four Weddings and a Funeral”. It is:
FUCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!
This one works great, just in case you ever have a crisis in front of the kids… You can always firmly tell them that they heard the barnyard word, not the cursing!!
I’d also suggest that you upgrade your insect repellant to “F-Off”…
By Candygirlflies on 07.04.07 4:06 pm | Permalink
I’m a little slow. I got that there were bugs and that you were upset by bugs, but have you said why you’ve been on the couch for 3 weeks? At first I thought you were there BECAUSE of the bugs, but apparently not. Nice use of the F bomb!
By Jenny Haha on 07.04.07 9:29 pm | Permalink
Oh dear God….. I am freaking right with you!
By Angel (aka DraMa) on 07.05.07 10:05 am | Permalink
LOL! I’m putting you in my google reader because you put the word fuck in your blog without using the ass-terick. Now, if I find out you blog about flatulence a lot, I’ll be insanely in love!
By Heather on 07.06.07 3:28 pm | Permalink
That is so wrong.
By Oh, The Joys on 07.06.07 8:40 pm | Permalink
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