A Letter To The Members At Mah Gym

August 5, 2007 | Filed in: Workin' Out

I love my gym. I really do. Its nice and clean and there are plenty of machines for everyone to use and its never overly crowded and its just great. However…some of the members? They are dumb. While I walk on the treadmill I compose little love notes in my head to them.

Dear Skinny Lady With The Cool Cell Phone:

You do realize that the gym is a place for working out, right? That when you are standing on a treadmill text messaging your friends you aren’t actually burning any calories, right? I mean, I get it. Your skinny. You don’t really need to be here sweating with me, but since you ARE here do you think you could turn the treadmill on and start walking with me rather than just standing there and texting?

Appreciate it!
Karly

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Dear Old Man On My Right:

Quit looking at me out of the corner of your eye. My fat is jiggling. It is not pretty. LOOK AWAY.

Thanks,
Karly

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Dear Lady Jogging On The Treadmill With The Big Boobs:

Niiiiiice.

Karly

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Dear Really Old Man Who Can Lift More Weight Than Me:

Shouldn’t you be dead or something? How old are you, anyway?

Love ya,
Karly

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Dear Dirty Sweaty Men Out The Window Installing Bleachers Next To The Tennis Courts:

I have a mini-van parked out back. The seats fold down. Meet me there in ten minutes. Yes, all of you.

Muah,
Karly

28 Comments so far
Say It!

You never fail to make me laugh but I was wondering could I park my van next to you & take any you don’t need ?

Ohhh. Now I know why I need a minivan!

Karly, you’re so funny. I love your letters.

Oh, God how you make me laugh

Inspires me to start little letters of my own. Great stuff.

You have inspired me to get a better jogging bra

What about: “Dear grotty old man sitting astride that machine in short short with your left testicle hanging out…” Fuck off Would Ya? !!!! ewwwwwww

Here via Leslie. OH MY THAT IS HILARIOUS!

Whenever I need a laugh…I can always count on you~

I’m kind of the pet of the over 50 set at my gym because of my knee surgery. I get a lot of questions about my recovery, shown replacement scars, etc. It’s kind of cute, but don’t get me started on these three certain weight lifters who make the whole weight room sound like the set of a bad gay porn.

If I didn’t need the exercise so badly, I’d spend my afternoon sitting and watching all these people. They must have cousins all over the country, because they are at my gym, too! GAH!

LOL!

Can I add my own!?

Dear Really Sweaty Lady with Armpit Sweat,

I think it’s awesome that you use the circuit machines. But do you see the paper towel roll dispensers that have ALL over the gym… those are for when you’re done, you clean it. Get it? Use. Clean. Very easy concept. At least, everyone else seems to get it.

Thanks,
Audrey

Karly… as always… freaking hilarious!

Ahhh I think I’ve seen each of those people at the gym myself!

The ladies with tons of make up and perfume on just kill me.

There’s this old man at my gym who will lift the 95lb. dumbbells for a few minutes and then go and get the 7 pound ones and do lots of exercises with those. (5 pounds to 7…ummmm…am I missing something?

That’s one of the freakin’ funniest things I’ve read in a long time!!! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

You’ve made my day.
Another hilarious entry.
Now I’m off to the gym to drop of off this note.
Dear constantly completely naked lady in the locker room;
Must you always be nude?Yes we appreciate that you can set a drink on your ass, but must you hop every where you go. Walking will suffice, oh and really you spend more time in conversation naked in the locker room than on the gym floor. Really… just take the plunge and join a nudist colony.

Oh this post makes me love you even more…even if you do work out.

great post, makes me think that every gym in the US is exactly the same with the same ‘characters’ in them. Except of course the sweaty men setting up the bleachers..never see anyone worth folding the seats down for.

This fits in great with The People Under the Stairmasters. And now I sound like spam. But I’m not. This just made me laugh.

Hahahahaha!

LOVE you!!

hahahahahaha… love the last one!

And I hate it when people are talking on their cell phones when they’re on the equipment, but I dont’ think I’ve seen anyone stop a workout to text people before. She would have been booted by the line of people waiting to use the treadmills at my gym!

Thanks so much for that laugh! I snorted at “niiiice”, but almost fell off the couch laughing at “shouldn’t you be dead?” bwahahaha!

Niiiice!

What about the naked old ladies in the locker room? Why do they have to stand around and chat in the buff? It’s gross!

Ah, the open letter format - a fave of mine too!