Hi, I’m melodyann.  And I’m your guest poster for today.  Damn your bad luck.  I blog at Shoo Fly…don’t bother me…  Come visit me.  I’m trying to take over the world, and it’s going kinda slow right now.

This is a story about my girls.  Mainly about Hopie, though, who has forbidden me to tell it.  Oops.  I suppose it could be said I don’t take orders very well…  Renie plays a pivotal role in this story as well.

Here’s a picture of the two of them, just to give you a good mental image.  Hopie’s on the right:

So, this story is about Hopie’s first period.  Because my middle name is "embarrass the fuck out of my children".  And so we begin…

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

Hopie and I had just had one tremendous fight.  I don’t remember what it was about.   This was during a time when her dad and I were fighting almost constantly, and we were all tired and cranky and easily set off.  This particular evening, I just wanted OUT of there. I grabbed my keys off the table and said, "I’ll be back when I’m not so pissed at you, Hopie.  It may be days."

She followed me out to my car, alternately begging me not to leave and yelling what a horrible mother I am.  Finally, after my car was running and I had put it in reverse, she blurted out, "MOM!  Don’t go.  I think I may have started my period!"

This halted me in my tracks, but only for a moment.  I was STILL pissed, at her AND her dad.  "I’ll call your sister, I have to get out of here for a while, Hopie."

As I pulled out of the driveway, I saw her, standing with shoulders slumped, and head lowered.  It broke my heart, but not enough to go back.  I called her sister:

rrriiinnnggg

Renie:  Hello?
me:  Renie, your sister and I are fighting and she started her period.  You have to go take care of her, while I drive around a little and calm down.
Renie:  Whadya mean, she started her period?
me:  What the fuck do you think I mean?  Jesus H. Christ, Lorena, which word did you not fucking get?  HOPIE.  STARTED.  HER.  PERIOD.
Renie:  Well, hell, what am I supposed to do about it?
me:  *sigh*  Renie, let me start over.  Go to the store, buy what she needs, take it home, hang out with her, HELP her.  Be a big sister.  She’s upset.  I’m upset.  Go home and fix it.  Please.
Renie:  Awww, my little sister started her first period!  (talking to someone beside her) Dude, Hopie started her period, let’s go buy her a cake!  And have a FIRST PERIOD PARTY!!!  (back to me) Don’t worry mommy, I’ll take care of everything…
me:  Do you have enough money?
Renie:  I think so, if you’ll pay me back.  What should I buy her?  As far as feminine items?
me:  Good God.  I don’t know, whatever you think…  I’ll pay you back.  And Renie, you KNOW how she is.  Don’t embarrass her.  I don’t think a fucking CAKE is such a good idea.
Renie:  Leave it to me, mom.  I am the big sister.  I’ll take care of it.  Don’t worry!  I won’t embarrass her.
me:  Renie, you go in there with a damn CAKE for her first period, and you’re going to embarrass her!  She’ll be pissed and I’ll have THAT to deal with when I get home.
Renie:  I’m getting off now, I’ll call you later!

So, I go where I usually go when I’m pissed and I have to get away.  My office.  I love my office.  I chose everything in it, and it’s a beautiful place.  And plus, I don’t waste gas going there.  And it’s a place to go, right?

After a while, I get a call from Renie, telling me to come home and join the party.  Oh Lord, I wonder what that child has done…

Let me just say that Hopie was late starting her period.  Renie started in 6th grade, which is, I suppose, fairly normal.  Hopie didn’t start till 8th grade.  Who knows why.  Her doctor told me, "She’s slim, she’s athletic, some girls just start late.  It’s nothing to worry about."  But it WAS cause for Hopie to worry.  Because she’s a worrier and a hypochondriac.  She was certain she either had cancer, or was pregnant with the antichrist.  So, starting her period was a BIG DEAL.  But Hopie embarrasses easily, and God help you if you embarrass her.  You won’t fucking know what hit you till the storm has passed. 

So, back to the story…

I walk into my house, and Hopie, Renie, and Christa-the-child-molester (which is a WHOLE ‘nother story) are sitting at the table, laughing it up.  The table is FULL of cake, ice cream, and various and assorted pads, tampons, and boxes of midol.  The cake says, in BLUE icing:  Happy First Period, Hopie!

But hey!  Hopie isn’t mad, she’s having a ball.  I relax and eat a huge piece of cake.  Crises averted, score one for Mommy.

Until the next day…

I come home from work, happily contemplating my evening nap, hoping against hope for a peaceful evening.  But it was not meant to be.  I can hear them shouting as soon as I get out of my car:

Hopie:  Renie, I CAN’T do it!
Renie:  Hopie, don’t be redicuous, of COURSE you can do it.  You’re just scared.
Hopie:  NO, I’M NOT SCARED, Renie, I can’t do it!  I don’t think I have a hole there!  I have no place to put it!

I walk into the kitchen…  "What the FUCK is going on here?"  There are pages and pages of notes, diagrams, written instructions and hastily drawn pictures strewn all about my kitchen.  There’s boxes of tampons, different sizes, different applicators.  There’s a glass of water, with a TAMPON in it, sitting SMACK DAB in the middle of my kitchen table…

me:  Wh… What the hell?  What are you DOING?  Have you lost your fucking minds?
Renie:  Mom, leave us alone.  Hopie is GOING to wear a tampon before this day is out.
Hopie:  No Renie!  I TOLD you, I CAN’T!!  I don’t know where it goes!
Renie:  (exasperated)  Oh, for God’s sake Hopie!  You’ve only got TWO fucking holes down there, and one of THEM is your asshole.  Don’t put it there.
me:  Renie, you’re not allowed to say "fuck".
Hopie:  OK, FINE!  I’ll try it AGAIN!
Renie:  ok, that’s all I ask, Hopie.  Give it a try.

Hopie goes into the bathroom with her tampons, and I break down… I’m laughing so hard tears are forming in my eyes.  But I have both hands over my mouth, because Hopie will get PISSED if she hears me laugh.  Renie looks like she’s fought the devil.

A minute later, we hear Hopie start banging stuff around in the bathroom.  Then she cuts loose:

Hopie:  I TOLD YOU!  I told you over and over again.  I CAN’T wear it!  It won’t go in!  I DON’T have a HOLE down there and I CANNOT wear a tampon!  I CAN’T, so leave me alone!!!  Leave me alone or I will beat you stupid!!
Renie:  Hopie, you’re a Goddamn MORON!  You’re a FREAK!  You’re the only girl in the ENTIRE WORLD who doesn’t have a hole in her VAGINA to stick a Goddamn tampon in!  I’ve fucking had it!  I’m not helping you ANYMORE!  There’s only so much a big sister can TAKE!  You’re a complete FUCKING idiot!!
me:  Renie, you’re not allowed to say fuck…
Renie:  Oh God!  I can’t wait to get out of this HELL HOLE!!

As they both storm out of the kitchen, I sit down and take a look around me.  I pick up a few sheets of instructions.  I look at the tampon, growing in the glass of water.  And I can’t help myself.  I lay my head down on my arms on the table and I laugh.  I laugh and I laugh and I scream and howl and stomp my feet.  I try to stop.  Really, I do.  But it’s just too much.  I laugh until I cry.  I laugh until I pee, a little.

I send up a little prayer to God:  "Dude, you outdid yourself when you sent those two to me.  Thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  And by the way?  Could you please tell my mother what transpired here today?  Because, really, she will just fucking LOVE this…"

And God said, "melodyann, you are not allowed to say fuck…..