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About five years ago I was working in a medical office as a receptionist. I will never forget the day that this man walked in, hurried to my desk, and said in a panicked voice “I got the gout!” I didn’t know what gout was, but the way he worded it and said it made it nearly impossible for me not to laugh at him. “I got the gout!” became the slogan of the office for a few weeks.
Now its payback time.
Yesterday I noticed that my hand was aching and I assumed it was my carpal tunnel flaring up like it does every now and again. It steadily got worse as the day wore on and by the time I went to bed I was almost in tears. It wasn’t my wrist that was hurting, but my hand right between my thumb and my wrist. I rubbed it and noticed that OH MY GOD there was a BONE sticking up where it wasn’t supposed to be.
Had I broken my hand and not known it? What the fuck? I woke Cleatus up to feel it because I needed confirmation that yes, indeed, something IS wrong with me. He brushed his fingers over my hand and mumbled “Idon’tfeelnuffin,” and started snoring again. I went and dipped his toothbrush in the toilet and then went to bed.
This morning I woke up and could still feel it so I did what any normal person would do and I called my mommy.
Me: “Mom? You know bunions?”
Her: “Um, yeah? I know bunions.”
Me: “Can you get bunions on your hand?”
Her: “You mean like wristions?”
She then made fun of me and told me to go to the doctor. Well, what she didn’t realize is that I have a deductible to meet at the beginning of the year and the beginning of the year just happens to come after the end of the year and do you know what else is at the end of the year? Christmas. Which means that all my money? Is gone.
I called my mother-in-law to see if she knew anything about wristions what could be going on with my hand.
Me: “I have a big circular bone sticking out of my hand and it hurts. What is it?”
Her: “Go to the doctor! Its probably a tumor! Go! Now!”
Me: “A tumor? My thumb has cancer?”
Her: “Ya just never know.”
So I called the doctor because, clearly, the two mothers in my life are no help.
I arrived at the doctor’s this morning with my seven year old son, my three year old daughter, and my two year old nephew. They were so happy to see me. The doctor opened the exam room door and noticed all the little people and started to slowly back out. Unfortunately for him my children are quick and vicious. They grabbed onto his legs with their teeth and drug him into the room. Who knew that doctor’s could scream like that?
After he was mauled he examined my hand. By examine, of course, I mean he poked and prodded and bent and twisted and generally just made me cry. Then he told me that I needed an x-ray, but of course the x-ray tech was home sick today and maybe I could come back Monday.
And to top it all off, he told me that MAYBE? It could be gout.
I got the gout, y’all.
feener says:
this was hysterical. you are hysterical. i love the part about his toothbrush in the toilet. love it.
as for the gout. i thought you could only get that in your foot ? my dad gets it every now and then. if he eats anchovies.
i hope it goes away as well as the pain.
feener’s last blog post..photogenic: insult or compliment ??
January 10th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Karly says:
Feener,
I, of course, googled it and it looks like you can get it in any joint, but it is pretty common in the foot. Hope your dad can avoid the anchovies! I know I can.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
janet says:
*snort* yer killin’ me.
my ex had gout. ew.
janet’s last blog post..Absence makes the heart grow weepy
January 10th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Jenni says:
This was hilarious!! I’ve now determined you are on my list of bloggers I’d like to hang out with someday.
I always love people that can make me shoot soda out of my nose from the laughter.
Totally tryin’ the toothbrush in the toilet trick, too.
Jenni’s last blog post..BLONDE-OLOGY
January 10th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Jasmine says:
I’m not a doctor… just a big mouth who thinks they know everything. I don’t think it’s Gout… could it be a ganglion? Google it.
January 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Karly says:
Janet…Nice pretty young beautiful women can also get the gout. So, shuddup with the ew.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Karly says:
Jenni…Just be sure the toothbrush has time to dry before he is going to use it.
Don’t wanna ‘em to get suspicious!
January 10th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Karly says:
Jasmine,
I just googled it and it sounds like it could be, except it seems pretty hard. Its not sharp like a broken bone would be but it is hard like a bone. So, um, you might be right, but I dunno.
January 10th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Pug Mom says:
Eeek! That’s not cool. Hopefully it goes away soon. One can only hope.
Oh, as for the recipe, well, here’s a very classic, very easy Ecuadorian dish that hopefully you’ll like. I’m not 100% sure on the exact quantities of things, because these are things I’ve been doing by memory since I was ten, but I’ll try to be as exact as I can. This dish consists of rice, with potatoes on top and a peanut sauce drizzled on.
Ingredients (serves 4):
5/6 potatoes (Russet are best)
Rice (any kind)
1 medium onion
2 tsp paprika
1 tbsp oil (any kind)
2 cups water
1/4 cup milk
4 tbsp peanut butter (creamy kind)
Salt (to taste)
1/4 cup cilantro (chopped finely)
Cook the potatoes (I usually boil them with some salt) and set them aside. Preferably cut them in half. Cook the rice and set that aside too.
For the sauce, chop the onions. Grab a small pot, put the oil and onions in, and let the onions become a little soft. Then put the paprika in, and stir it around until everything is red. Then add the water. Then add the peanut butter and milk. Mix it until the consistency is pretty smooth (now, I may be off with the water or peanut butter - basically, make sure there’s enough water that the sauce isn’t too thick, or too watery, and enough peanut butter that you can definitely taste it). Once it’s nice and smooth, add the cilantro. Let it cook (two minutes or so). Then add salt. Turn off the pot.
Put the rice on a plate, put the potatoes to the side or on top, and drizzle the sauce on top. Tada! Hopefully it turns out okay, and I’m not missing any ingredients.
Pug Mom’s last blog post..The Haircut: Updated
January 10th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Kimberly says:
Oh no…wtf is gout anyway? It sounds so awful!
Kimberly’s last blog post..The Day to Delurk
January 10th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Mrs. Schmitty says:
Oh My….that sounds painful. Keep us posted…I hope it’s nothing serious.
By the way…toothbrush in the toilet…Priceless!
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Things That Make You Go…Hmmmmm
January 11th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Karly says:
Pug Mom,
I was just telling Cleatus that I wanted to try some recipe with a peanut butter sauce…not this one, but it was similar. I may have to go this route since yours has cilantro. Yum!
Thanks!
January 11th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Zephra says:
I sure hope your intention was for me to laugh because i did all the way through this post.
Oh yeah, and I hope it is not serious.
January 11th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Binkytown says:
Wow. My grandpa had “the gout”. I thought you had to be old? Guess not! Hope it feels better~
Binkytown’s last blog post..Do you really want to know?
January 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
angel says:
Um, this just might be your funniest post, ever. EVER!
I always thought gout had to do with a person’s gums. An OLD person’s gums. Who knew.
My appendicitis and now your gout… boy this year is starting out great for both of us, isn’t it!
angel’s last blog post..Goody bags make it all better.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Karly says:
Binkytown…Ouch. Everyone keeps calling me old. Knock it off.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Karly says:
Angel,
Its the best year yet. Fucking appendicitis. Fucking gout. And YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE OLD, DAMN IT. Gout is the new black.
January 11th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Leslie says:
I hate that first of the year deductible. We have that, too. I’m already praying for Dave’s W-2 to get here because WE NEED THAT INCOME TAX REFUND ALREADY!!!
Sorry you got the gout. Even if it’s not. I will always believe you’ve got the gout. If not in your hand, in your heart.
Leslie’s last blog post..Beware: This Cuckooo Is Nesting
January 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Lotta says:
If I got gout I would tell everyone. It’s hilariously bubonic plague like.
Lotta’s last blog post..Liquid Gold
January 11th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Poppy says:
You crack me up…as always!
I’ve had two ganglion cysts…mine did not hurt. They just happened to be located at the upper part of my heel right where my shoes hit. It was annoying but not painful. The first time I had it removed because I was freaked out about what it was. Then the little bugger came back! Apparently the surgeon had left a piece of it behind and the SOB grew back. This time it did hurt a bit because it was wrapped around a nerve in my foot. Had it removed a second time. Still gone.
That’s my experience with a ganglion. I know squat about Gout except it sounds like an old persons disease
Sorry but it does. I hope you don’t have Gout. I don’t think I could restrain myself from thinking “Poor old Karly…she’s got the gout.”
LOL…
Have a great weekend~
Poppy’s last blog post..Going crazy~
January 12th, 2008 at 12:30 am
nan says:
I was walking past a magazine stand yesterday, and all of the young hip and trendy magazines were sporting “Gout” pictures on their covers. Gout is IN! Gout is Young! Like wide-leg superlow jeans, if you can look good in gout you are SO COOL, retro trendy!
nan’s last blog post..de-lurking weekend!
January 12th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Charlie says:
I am suprised that no one has told you what to do for the gout yet. Go to the grocery store , buy you some fresh cherries. Take ehm home and start eating them.
From my friend with gout, its the best thing you can do and it seems to help tremendousley.
January 12th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Jerseygirl89 says:
I’m sorry you got “the gout” . . .is that anything like gout? And how do you get that, anyway?
Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Loser, Frump or Idiot? Or Possibly None of the Above?
January 12th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
Ugh. That sucks. But they do say laughter is the best medicine, so I don’t feel bad that I laughed my butt off in this post.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Your Exclusive Look Inside the Mind of an Evil Genius
January 14th, 2008 at 5:49 am
jenn in holland says:
HiLAREEEEus!
My favorite line by far (as for many I see) was the whole toothbrush dipping moment. eXXXellent.
jenn in holland’s last blog post..Tiptoe Through
January 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
My Mommy’s Place: Mommy’s Blog » Blog Archive » Guess Who’s Wiping Up Snot At My Mommy’s Place? says:
[...] Leslie: Gout [...]
January 31st, 2008 at 11:47 pm