Why Did The Meme Cross The Road? Because The Townspeople Were Chasing It With Pitchforks.

February 3, 2008 | Filed in: I'm Cool Like That!, Its all about Meme!, Life As I Know It

I know that title may not make sense to YOU but it makes sense to ME and this is my blog and I’ll do what I want. (I had so many commas in that first sentence that it looked wrong, so I just took them ALL out and let it be. That sentence is a Comma Free zone.)

So. I am the blogger that is all like “Whatever, I don’t know what to blog about so pfft. I just won’t write until I’M GOOD AND READY, DAMN IT.” And so I only blog a couple times a week any more. I am also the blogger who gets tagged for memes quite a bit. BUT DO I EVER DO ‘EM? Nope. I don’t know why. I just don’t LIKE memes very much. It makes me happy that people tag me for them because LINKY LOVE, but then I feel bad because I never do the meme.

In conclusion, I suck.

Oh, wait. Thats not what I meant to say. What I MEANT to say was that I just had sex with a meme and now we are having a baby. So, what you are about to read is NOT meme, it is the BABY of a meme and a human. Mkay? You got all that? (This could also just be called “random thoughts of mine that I could not figure out how to work into a blog post on their own so I fucked a meme.”)

1. I wonder if I will ever get up enough guts to tell Cleatus that I do, in fact, poop. I mean, obviously, it doesn’t STINK or anything, but still. I feel like our marriage is based on a lie. I don’t know what he thinks my butthole is for, but he does not believe it is for poop, thats fer sure. (It is not for THAT either.)

2. I used to really like my daughter, but now? Not so much. Three years old was such a nice time for about, oh, one month. And then she decided to start her period and now I kinda hate her. She is such a bitch sometimes, but other times she’s just as sweet as can be. Like ten minutes ago when she just walked up to me and said “Mommy? You are pretty.” She does this multiple times a day and it always makes me smile. She also does something naughty and when I start to yell at her she says “But mo-om. I just love you SO MUCH.”

3. The last few times I’ve had an orgasm (Huh? Dad? Is that you? Reading my blog? Whats wrong with your eyes? ARE THEY BLEEDING?) my left side has ached. Like DURING the orgasm. And then it just stops when I’m, um, done. I’ve been meaning to google “cancerous tumor that aches during orgasm” but I keep forgetting. So, do you think thats what it is? Should I be concerned? Should I just not have sex anymore?

4. When I was in high school I was driving a friend to school. We needed to get in the left lane to turn in to the school parking lot, but some asshole wouldn’t let me over. Any guesses as to what I did after I missed my turn? I will make out with anyone who guesses correctly.

5. Cleatus and I have decided, thanks to your brilliant suggestions, to go to the Smoky Mountains on vacation this year. I am SO EXCITED! I never would have thought to check out Tennessee if it weren’t for all of you who recommended it! We’ve found a cute little cabin in Pigeon Forge and are planning on going in early June. Can. Not. Wait.

6. My newest blog crush is on All and Sundry (or is it Sundry Mourning? Don’t know! Don’t care! Love her either way!) I don’t know where the heck I have been, but I just found her blog about a week ago. I am SERIOUSLY addicted. Like, for real, yo.

7. I don’t have a number seven.

Now, since this is the baby of a meme/human I feel like I should tag people, but what would I tag them WITH? Should I just link to a few people and say “Hey, you! Go to your blog and ramble about a bunch of shit that doesn’t belong together! Its FUN!”

Nah. You guys are off the hook for this one.

24 Comments so far
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I guess I’ll just pretend that you completely ignored MY tagging you for a meme but this one? is a little like the one I wanted you to do so whatever.
Most of my posts are just random crap typed together that doesn’t belong together except for a few ands and buts linking all the words.
You know how I feel about pooping; we cleared that up already and I CAN tell you that my butt does indeed have more than one purpose.
I’m glad you found Linda’s blog, just in time for the coming of her new baby!!! If we can’t have any more babies of our own, I feel that we can live vicariously through other blogs about new babies. At least we’ll be sleeping
Pam’s last blog post..Does Not Posess Survival Skills

Pam, LOL at that bit about sleeping. Those poor bastards with newborns. And yes, I totally ignored your tag. This post is for all you losers that I ignored. And by “losers” I mean “totally cool bloggers.” Kisses!

Regarding the, er, “O” issue… I bet you just have some kind of pulled muscle or something so when you are, you know, um, “working out”, it is painful? Unless it’s excrutiating. In which case, it’s probably related to The Gout and you should totally see a doctor. But, if you are anything like me, you are more likely to cut your own hands off than walk into your doc’s office and try to explain the problem.

Also, you know I’ve totally got your back on the bitchy preschooler issue. It is not pleasant at all and four years old doesn’t seem to be turning out to be better than three. Sorry for the bad news!

Shannon’s last blog post..talk about abuse of power

As for #3, weird and probably unrelated, but I know a guy who used to get horrible headaches during orgasm and they tracked it to a coffee allergy somehow. He quit drinking coffee and it went away. Weird, huh?

So do you drink coffee?

I already did a random post that makes no sense today AND I even gave you an award that you probably won’t acknowledge, but that’s okay. I just gave it because I love you, no strings attached.

I can sort of feel your pain on the orgasm thing. Currently, I have strong and painful Braxton-Hicks contractions after I have sex. It doesn’t stop me from doing it though. You know how praying mantises will keep doing it even after the female eats the males head? That’d probably be me. I just can’t stop having sex. It’s like I’m addicted or something.

Oh! And when you missed your turn for school, I think you drove to Canada. Or the mall. Either way, I bet you didn’t go to school that day. Just e-mail me to hook up our make out session.

Leslie’s last blog post..Think The Banana Splits Theme Song, Except Replace “La” With “Link!”

Shannon, Yes, definitely cutting off my hand before telling my doctor about my “o” issue. And if my vagina gets the gout I will be highly pissed off.

Kelli…Nope. No coffee here. I wonder how the doctor’s tracked THAT?

Leslie, I’m all for sex, but clearly not as dedicated as you. Contractions are the debil and I want nothing to do with them. You are right about not going to school that day…I will share the full story sometime this week. I may have mentioned it before on here, but not in detail. And maybe we should wait to make out until after Lucy is here? I don’t want to cause you any painful contractions or anything.

If you have to eat only PBJs and beanee weenees to afford it, you simply must eat one meal here: http://www.parkgrillgatlinburg.com/

Moonshine Chicken and PeKan Chicken and Filet Mignons are wonderful - and desserts - GOTTA GET DESSERTS!

I know you’ll enjoy it. We live 3 hrs from there and try to take a weekend each year and visit. There’s some great fishing in the streams too (If Cleatus is a fishing kind of guy.)

Auburn Gal Always’s last blog post..a letter, a confession and a guilt trip

After you missed the turn, you either 1. said well the hell with that, and went back home, or 2. turned around at the next opportunity, pulled into the parking lot, and keyed the car that wouldn’t let you over. Am I right? Should I put on some Chapstick first?

As for the “o” thing, if you don’t mind another suggestion, it could be your ovary. If you haven’t had your yearly exam yet, it might be time. I don’t want to freak you out, but sometimes ovaries get cysts on them, which I know because I had one, and it can cause some discomfort. Otherwise, I hope it’s just the pulled muscle thing
Elizabeth’s last blog post..There’s no doubt she’ll be a Girl Mogul

You’ll love your vacation. There’s a ton to do there. My kids love to go “gem mining” and caving. Plus just about any of the other cheesy fun attractions. Be sure to head into Gatlinburg - there’s lots there. The Aquarium is fantastic and definitely worth the money. Also in Gatlinburg? Cooter’s Place.

Gina’s last blog post..Mmmmm…Sayid

You missed your turn to school so you just ditched and went to some seedy hotel in town and had hot lesbian sex with your friend… or if the friend was male you had hot steamy sex with him and then smoked a few joints.

Wait, wait wait… that is what I WOULD have done! Silly me.

angel’s last blog post..You just never know…

I love stream of consciousness posts and I totally think you ditched school and went to your friend’s house and got really drunk and then showed up after school because you didn’t want to miss play rehearsal. Hmmm. I have no idea why I thought of that. Anyhoo, I totally agree with you on the three year old thing too.

Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..GIANTS!

Auburn Gal Always, Thanks for the tip! I’ll definitely check it out!

Elizabeth, Keying the car…that would have probably been better than what I did end up doing. Will share later this week. Also, get ready for whining: BUT I DON’T WANNA SHOW MY COOCHIE TO THE DOCTOR!

Gina, You said Cooter. Ha. I’ve been obsessively checking Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg’s websites and it does look like there will be tons of stuff to do. I like all that touristy stuff so I can’t wait! We’ll probably go to Dollywood, too, so that will be fun!

Angel, I always knew you were a dirty girl! No, I definitely did not go have hot lesbian sex in a seedy hotel. (I only did THAT my senior year.) (Totally kidding.)

JerseyGirl, Play rehearsal? Drunk? Ha! Nope. I was never in a play. I did, however, skip school quite often and go get drunk. My friend and I would buy slice and bake cookie dough and head to my boyfriend’s (which was Cleatus) apartment and get drunk and eat cookie dough and convince him to skip college classes. Ah, those were the days.

Oh I was totally betting on the fact you hunted that no-letting-in-bastard down, waited until he left his car and then keyed it, then skipped school and got drunk. . .oh wait . . .that’s what I did . . . many, many moons ago. Can we make out already?

BlueBella’s last blog post..Monday Monday

Karly, Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge is only an hour from me !! I recommend the Aquariaum, not really into theme parks, alot of my family loves Dollywood. Be prepared for alot of traffic. Enjoy your vacation.

As for the driver, did you moon him ?

Also the Knoxville Zoo is just a short drive from Gatlinburg.

Dude, where HAVE you been. All & Sundry is one of my FAVORITES. So funny and real. And having a baby TODAY.

Also your TN trip will be great! I can’t wait to go back.

Jennifer’s last blog post..A Utopia Where We Can All Be Cheap Together

[...] few of you had some good guesses about what I did when I missed my turn to school, but nobody got it exactly right. Leslie was the closest to guessing correctly with her [...]

what you posted about your daughter? Yah, me too!!!

shuey6’s last blog post..Super Tuesday!!! Confessional is OPEN

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