Lately my children have been my children ONLY BETTER. Eeyore and Cindy-Lu: New and Improved! Now with educational programming! And vegetables!

Eeyore is in the midst of some strange new obsession with The History Channel and The Discovery Channel and, y’all? What the hell? History? On the TV? Where you learn things? About stuff? From a long time ago? Weird.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. It makes me feel much better about myself as a mother when I lay in bed at night and tally up my mothering mistakes for the day. “Hmm,” I think, “Eeyore watched 3 hours of television today. That’s bad. That’s real bad. I’m probably going to hell for that. BUT WAIT! He was watching educational programming! I am an AWESOME mother!” And then I drift peacefully off to sleep secure in my role as mother of the year.

Another thing that makes me wonder if I’ve been transported to some alternate dimension is the new found discovery that my children like asparagus. ASPARAGUS. You know, those skinny green stick things. They are vegetables. Vegetables have all these, like, nutrients or something. Supposedly they are good.

I cooked asparagus for the first time ever tonight and they ate the shit out of it. Crazy!

Speaking of alternate dimensions, do you have a store that you go to really often? Say, for example, Wal-Mart? And since you are there everyday you pretty much have that bitch memorized. You know where EVERYTHING is and could probably find your way around in the dark. You have a store like that, right? WELL. Have you ever gone to the same store but in a different city? Of course you have. Isn’t that weird? I mean, no. It’s not weird if the store is set up completely opposite of the one you are used to, but yes, if the store is set up like your normal store but just a little off…that is WEIRD, man. I get so disoriented and confused. Its like I’ve smoked a little too much, um, what? Nevermind. It’s just weird. I mean, in MY store the purses, gloves and belts section is DIRECTLY across from aisle 3, but in the OTHER store it is directly across from aisle 4. It’s so close, but just a leetle bit off. Freaky!

What makes you feel like you’ve entered an alternate dimension? Surely there is something. I mean, I’m not crazy or anything, right?

Y’all wanna hear something scary? I am considering hiring a babysitter. As in a person who comes to my house and watches my children so that I don’t have to. Hold me. I am scared.

Eeyore was babysat by my best friend’s sister ONE time when he was 3 months old and he went to a home daycare for about 2 months when I was working. Other than that? Family. I’m lucky that my parents and Cleatus’s parents live nearby so I can just call them up and beg them to take the little people away babysit.

Lately I think I have been, um, asking for lots of babysitting favors and I’m starting to feel guilty. My MIL doesn’t work so she keeps the kids a lot. I know that she loves spending time with them, but she has another grandson that she watches quite a bit too. I’m sure that it gets old after a while.  My mom works full time so I feel guilty asking her to babysit on the weekends because I know she has things to do after working all week. I could ask her to watch the kids when she gets off of work, but she lives about 30 minutes away and that can be a pain in the ass. (Mom, move closer. You could be my full time babysitter! I’ll pay you in cookies!)

I finally broke down and sent out an email to my local homeschool group and asked for babysitter recommendations. One of the moms replied that her 14 year old daughter loves to babysit and has taken a babysitter course, but they just moved to the area so no one in the group knows them. I guess I need to “interview” the girl, but dude. How do ya do that? What do I say? What do I ask? How much is the going rate for babysitters? What if she goes home and tells her mom that my house is dirty? What if she finds my collection of porn and tells her parents and then I am kicked out of the homeschooling group for being a pervert? (I don’t have a collection of porn. I swear.)

Hold my hand, internet. Tell me that it will all be okay. Cuz it will? Right?

Also, just for fun, what do you guys think about MALE babysitters? Personally, NO. I wouldn’t let a teenage male babysit my kids. I also wouldn’t let an adult male babysit. (Other than family, of course.) Am I a jerk? Another thing I won’t allow is for my son to babysit other kids. How about you? Would you let a teen boy babysit your kids?

Long day. Must blog using bullets.

• The other day T. was over here playing with Eeyore. Cindy-Lu, being the annoying younger sister, followed the boys in to Eeyore’s room and was most likely bugging the crap out of them. I’d hear her start to whine or shout at T. and EVERY TIME she did Eeyore would pipe up and tell T. to quit whatever he was doing to bug her. He’s such a good brother. Later T. started throwing Eeyore’s toys across his bedroom and finally after one loud crash I heard Eeyore say “Why don’t we just go to your house so I can throw YOUR toys?” I was so proud of him. He was snotty and I loved it. That kid is usually so shy, but he totally stuck up for Cindy-Lu and himself and I was really proud of him.
• I just bought a laminating machine. I’m excited to laminate something now. Yes, I am easily amused.
• My new laptop has still not shipped. This is pissing me off more than you can imagine. WHAT IS THE HOLD UP, DELL?
• My husband confuses me. Whenever he hears a car drive down our road he asks if someone is here or he looks out the window to see if there is a car in our driveway. Yet whenever I go to Wal-Mart (every other mother humpin’ day) he has NO IDEA when I’ve pulled in the driveway. I come to the door, my arms full of bags and struggle to open it but does he hear that? No. I get in the house, walk past him and am half way to the kitchen when he says “Oh, are there any more bags out there?” THE ANSWER IS YES. IT IS ALWAYS YES. YES YES YES. Then he ever so slowly starts moving so that he is finally standing as I am walking back in to the room to head back outside. He then looks at me like “uh, duh, do you still need me or are you just gonna do it so I can, uh, sit back down?” And then I punch him in the balls and finish carrying in the bags.
• Cindy-Lu wears underwear all day but I’m still using diapers at night because I dunno about you, but getting up in the middle of the night to take a 3 year old to the toilet does not sound fun. Changing wet sheets every night also does not sound fun. She gets a diaper right before bed and the sneaky little brat likes to poop in it to avoid pooping on the toilet. Well, last night she came running in to our room around 3am crying about monsters in her room. I pulled her in to bed with us and got a big whiff of her diaper and almost passed out. It was stinky. But she was instantly back to sleep, I was still all warm and cozy in my blankets and did I mention it was 3am? I rolled over so I couldn’t smell her and went back to sleep. Bad mom.

That is all. Carry on with your day.

I dunno about your kids, but mine do not react well when they switch from eating fruits, vegetables, and meat at each meal (er, mostly) to having an IV drip of liquid chocolate for 48 straight motherfucking hours. We chose to celebrate Easter at my parent’s house on Saturday evening, to celebrate at home Sunday morning and to celebrate at the in-law’s on Easter afternoon. Which meant that there were THREE egg hunts, THREE baskets full of candy each, and TWO very hyper, very annoying children.

Would you like to hear what my children had for breakfast? Jelly beans. And Reese’s eggs. Also? Big chocolate bunny ears.

I never thought I would say this, but CHOCOLATE? We are through. I break up.

(I’ll call you.)

So, what did the Easter Bunny bring you? I would tell you what he brought me, but you’d just get all jealous and tell me how much you hate me. No, really. You would. I know you.

While I’m thinking about it, am I the only one in the world that did not know the origins of the Easter Bunny and the eggs and all that jazz? I mean, seriously, the biggest Christian holiday EVAH and yet we celebrate with Pagan traditions? That makes me laugh.

Hope y’all had fun hunting eggs.

PS- He brought me a new laptop! Don’t hate me!

PPS-That’s not entirely true. He just ordered me one! It’ll be here soon!

PPPS-Peace out.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been nearly a week since my last blog post. Also, I am pretending to confess to a priest, only I am really confessing to the internet and tomorrow is Easter which means that surely I will be struck with lightning.

I need your help. I know! I take and I take and I take, and what do I give? Nothin’. This is totally a one-sided relationship. I think we need counseling.

As I was saying, I need help. My son doesn’t like kisses anymore. He is usually ok getting a kiss as long as he can wipe it off immediately after, but he won’t ever let me kiss him on the mouth anymore. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO GROW UP? Anyway, thats not really the problem. The problem is that there is one person in his family that he CAN NOT STAND to hug.

Eeyore is almost always a very good boy, he’s sensitive and would hate to hurt someone’s feelings, and he listens to me pretty damn well for a seven year old kid. However, when it is time to leave this person’s house and they ask for a hug he runs the other way. He doesn’t care that it hurts her feelings and it takes me telling him repeatedly to hug her before he listens to me. I hate this.

Why do I hate this? Not because my son turns in to a completely different person when it is time to hug this lady good bye. Not because he stops minding me and he doesn’t worry about her feelings. Because I strongly feel that if he doesn’t want to hug someone then he shouldn’t have to hug them.

We teach our children that any touches that make them uncomfortable are bad. We teach them that their body is their own and they can say no if they want to. Yet here I am, forcing my child to hug someone that he just does not want to hug. I know it is just an innocent hug, but it is still HIS BODY and it is still something he DOES NOT want to do. Isn’t that a mixed message?

Regardless of how strongly I feel about this, the fact remains that Eeyore is related to her, she is someone who loves him very much and, well, its family. You hug your family.

How would you handle this internet? Would you continue forcing the kid to hug someone he doesn’t want to? (And I feel like I should clarify that its not just that he doesn’t want to, I mean he DOES NOT WANT TO. For whatever reason he feels VERY strongly about it and is thoroughly against the idea. Yes, I have my ideas as to why. No, I can’t share them here. NO, she hasn’t molested him or any crap like that.) Would you kindly tell the person that from now on if Eeyore wants a hug he will give her one, otherwise they can…what? Just wave?

I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to respect my child and his right to say no. I don’t want to hurt any feelings. What should I do?

*Does anyone know what TV show I got that title from?