I’m Sorry, I Can’t, Don’t Hate Me*

March 22, 2008 | Filed in: Crazy Kids, Fo' Real

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been nearly a week since my last blog post. Also, I am pretending to confess to a priest, only I am really confessing to the internet and tomorrow is Easter which means that surely I will be struck with lightning.

I need your help. I know! I take and I take and I take, and what do I give? Nothin’. This is totally a one-sided relationship. I think we need counseling.

As I was saying, I need help. My son doesn’t like kisses anymore. He is usually ok getting a kiss as long as he can wipe it off immediately after, but he won’t ever let me kiss him on the mouth anymore. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO GROW UP? Anyway, thats not really the problem. The problem is that there is one person in his family that he CAN NOT STAND to hug.

Eeyore is almost always a very good boy, he’s sensitive and would hate to hurt someone’s feelings, and he listens to me pretty damn well for a seven year old kid. However, when it is time to leave this person’s house and they ask for a hug he runs the other way. He doesn’t care that it hurts her feelings and it takes me telling him repeatedly to hug her before he listens to me. I hate this.

Why do I hate this? Not because my son turns in to a completely different person when it is time to hug this lady good bye. Not because he stops minding me and he doesn’t worry about her feelings. Because I strongly feel that if he doesn’t want to hug someone then he shouldn’t have to hug them.

We teach our children that any touches that make them uncomfortable are bad. We teach them that their body is their own and they can say no if they want to. Yet here I am, forcing my child to hug someone that he just does not want to hug. I know it is just an innocent hug, but it is still HIS BODY and it is still something he DOES NOT want to do. Isn’t that a mixed message?

Regardless of how strongly I feel about this, the fact remains that Eeyore is related to her, she is someone who loves him very much and, well, its family. You hug your family.

How would you handle this internet? Would you continue forcing the kid to hug someone he doesn’t want to? (And I feel like I should clarify that its not just that he doesn’t want to, I mean he DOES NOT WANT TO. For whatever reason he feels VERY strongly about it and is thoroughly against the idea. Yes, I have my ideas as to why. No, I can’t share them here. NO, she hasn’t molested him or any crap like that.) Would you kindly tell the person that from now on if Eeyore wants a hug he will give her one, otherwise they can…what? Just wave?

I’m not sure how to handle this. I want to respect my child and his right to say no. I don’t want to hurt any feelings. What should I do?

*Does anyone know what TV show I got that title from?

16 Comments so far
Say It!

If your son truly feels that strongly, then no, don’t make him hug her. Nowhere is it written in stone that you must hug every family member all the time. Sure, it’s customary, but the bottom line is, he has strong feelings about it and telling him to avoid contact that makes him uncomfortable and then forcing him to hug someone YOU KNOW makes him uncomfortable is very much a mixed message. Her feelings are not more important in this situation. Your son’s are. Next time you leave and he runs the other way, just blow it off.. “eh! These kids today” roll your eyes and walk out the door and let that be the end of it.
We stop by my mom’s to say good morning every day because she lives next door to the daycare lady. Some days she gives hugs and kisses, other days she doesn’t want to. My mom knows it’s not deliberately to hurt her feelings, she’s just in a mood that day. Whatever, she’ll get a hug next time. This other person’s feelings might not be quite as fragile as you think.
If you suspect reasons why he doesn’t like to hug her, maybe you could discuss those feelings with both your son and her so that you can help them to still have a good relationship as he grows up.
Bottom line though - if you have to pick between the two of them, your son is more important.

sugarplumsmom’s last blog post..The Reality of Lies

Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to hug this person?

My guys go in phases. Seems like the more I force the issue the more resistant they are, so I stopped. We usually settle for high-fives in the meantime.

MammaLoves’s last blog post..My Boys Have Their Own Paparazzi

What if you came up with a hug alternative for this person? Like a high five or bumping knuckles or something that is just “theirs.”

Also, is it Sex in the City? Is that what the Post-It note dumping guy wrote on the famous Post It?

Jill’s last blog post..Six-word memoir meme

Is he able to explain why he doesn’t want to hug her at all? Maybe there’s a logical reason? But yeah, I would probably let him not hug her if it makes him uncomfortable. It’s hard when it’s someone you care about. Is there any way to just “fudge” the truth a little to her? Like to whisper that he’s going through a phase or something? Or are there other people around during these visits that he willingly hugs which would make that clearly not true? Hope you can find something to make it a little less awkward!

Shannon’s last blog post..the saga continues

Just exactly what your gut is telling you: If he says no, it means no, and 7-year-olds are pretty sharp creatures so if he has his reasons, even if he can’t or won’t articulate them to you, you have to respect his feelings.

Angie’s last blog post..My Conspiracy Theory

Jill, We’ve tried the high five thing, but it didn’t last long. Good thought, though. And you are right! Sex and the City! That episode was just on the other night and now that little post it note is stuck in my head!

I think that the grown-up will have to get a grip and do without a hug. Can he make a nice card or something for the next visit that says “I love you!” and then just skip the leaving hug without mentioning it?

“give me a hug!”

“do you have your shoes, eyore? Right. Bye, love you!”

Hop into car, high-tail it outta there!

Of course, if the grown-up in question can be expected to act like a grown-up, you can say to them (after they have received their nice “I love you” card) “eyore is a picky hugger these days, so don’t be offended if he doesn’t hug you.” and you can give them a big hug for good measure.

I remember having to hug smelly, awful old great aunts, who never had children of their own and therefore didn’t have a clue about how children were expected to behave. Fortunately, our visits were rare so the pre-discussed kiss and hug was tolerated by us. Our parents explained that it made the old smelly aunts so happy. But if it had been a regular thing, we would have rebelled for sure!

nan’s last blog post..in honour of hangy-down boobies

I really don’t think it’s necessary to make him hug if he really doesn’t want to. A polite good bye and thanks for the visit or whatever should do. It would be nice if he wanted to hug but he obviously doesn’t and he’s obviously not doing it just to be a little punk so I would respect his feelings.

Jackie’s last blog post..Sigh.

I wouldn’t make him hug her. I don’t make Julia hug or kiss anyone if she isn’t comfortable with it. I’ve never had a problem with anyone forcing the issue when I’ve said directly, but kindly, “She doesn’t want a hug right now and that’s okay. Let’s let her be.”

I think trying a high five or some alternative is a good idea. And if the family member’s feelings might be hurt if he doesn’t hug her and you’re really worried about it, I’d explain it to her in private, sort of the way you did to us - tell her he’s growing up, and displays of affection like that are starting to make him feel uncomfortable. You could even add a, “He doesn’t even want me to kiss him anymore!” for good measure, to soften the blow. Perhaps you could ask her to help you out and not make a big deal about it with him. People love it when they feel like they’re helping.

Leslie’s last blog post..My Radical Little Feminist

Ask him why he doesn’t want to hug this person. Offer him an alternative, like shaking hands or a high five. Then, ask him to compose a letter to this person explaining how he feels and encourage him to express that he does love this person but is feeling (fill in the blank) about hugging right now.
That way, he takes ownership of his feelings, he no longer comes of like he’s disobeying you and it clears the air with the person he doesn’t want to hug. However, if he tells you it’s because she has B.O. or some other offensive reason, scrap my letter idea and make up some bullshit excuse to the woman and tell E that he’s off the hook in the hugging department.

Pam’s last blog post..More Weirdness

I think it’s really important that you honour his wishes. My little guy is only almost 2 but I try to say “Would you like to give X a hug or a high five or just way Bye Bye and Thank you for having us/coming? Usually he wants a hug, but it gives him an out and also teaches the adult that he has the choice.

Much More Than A Mom’s last blog post..Thievery

I’ve learned recently that the Little Imp is pretty intuitive, even only at the ripe old age of two, about who she wants physical contact with and who she doesn’t…and as my mom ALWAYS forced us to hug anyone and everyone, It now takes me ages to get to where I think I am comfortable hugging someone. Even just casual hello/goodbye hugs. And this is sad, because not everyone smells like a combination of Lysol/Palmolive soap/OLD Avon Perfume like my Aunts Wilhelmina and Gertrude did….Of course that was the excuse I always gave my mom for not wanting to hug them. But I think you get where my rambling is going.

I think giving Eyeore the choice, is a wise idea. I think it’s not too far off the mark that his age is coming into play at this point as well, and he’s naturally moving away from more open physical displays of affection.

Both of my boys (now 18 and 14) stopped ALWAYS giving hugs somewhere between 5-7 and whilst it kinda bothered me at first with my older son, when younger son started to shy away from it, I realized it was probably a normal thing and I didn’t force the issue. My older daughter on the other hand (18) is a natural hugger, very comfortable with offering and receiving hugs from almost anyone…almost the polar opposite of the boys.

Sorry for the ramble!

Auds over at Spotted Dick’s last blog post..Pictoral Evidence That I Survived Puke-a-Palooza to go on and Cook an Awesome St. Patrick’s Day Feast!

I wouldn’t force it. The Safe Child Book (best book I’ve read on teaching toddlers and older kids the bare bones of safety) points out this exact situation as one of the really confusing mixed messages kids get that make it harder for them to draw appropriate lines in the sand if they should need to later. Your body is your own vs. hug someone you don’t want to. Don’t talk to strangers vs. say hi to the nice friend of mommy’s who you don’t know.

FWIW, my 19 month old does this too from time to time.
Meg’s last blog post..Doll quilt

I wouldn’t force it, either. This other person is an adult, I assume, and so should handle a kid’s wishes like one.

I can’t wait for the SATC movie.

Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..The Ex-Files

When I was younger there was an older lady that we visited quite often whom I did not want to hug. At all. My Mom just told the lady that “kids will be kids” and left it at that. I am forever grateful that she didn’t make me do something that I didn’t feel comfortable doing. Maybe you can have your kid make a cool greeting card to said family member on the next rainy day and mail it to her? That way she feels loved but the kid doesn’t have to hug her? Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to? Maybe it’s something that can be changed? Best of luck!

Lottifish’s last blog post..Back from my Easter Weekend Getaway

Yes, it’s family, but whoever made up the rule that our affection must be expressed through a hug?

I say it’s time to think out of the box and maybe find another way to show affection in the situation.

Personally I’d never want a forced hug from a child, even my own. It’s so meaningless and the fact that it is forced would say more about my insecurities than it does about family love. (Oh wait! We MUST hug in order to prove our love to one another! sounds kinda silly when you think about it)

Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Blah Blah Bloggy

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