On Friday I mentioned that I was going out of town for the weekend. It was finally time for the 2008 Shopping Trip Version 1.0 and 1.1. Version 1.0 was shopping in St. Louis at the St. Louis Mills outlet mall and hooboy, did we ever shop. Version 1.1 was shopping at the Tanger Factory Outlet in Tuscola, IL and hooboy, did we ever…wait. Didn’t I just say that?
Saturday morning my mom, my aunt, and I headed down to St. Louis and shopped our little hearts out. I bought clothes for Cindy-Lu, clothes for Eeyore, clothes for Cindy-Lu and some clothes for Eeyore. Oh, did I mention that I bought some clothes? For my kids? Because I did.
Saturday evening we headed to our hotel where the front desk man, Daryl, proceeded to give us chocolate chip cookies and milk. Because, obviously, we looked as though we were famished. After I dropped my cookie on the floor, picked it up and ate it, and then listened to a lecture about how the dirt at a hotel is different from the dirt at home and I should not be eating off the floor, I realized that OH, HI! Started my period!
My mama came prepared with tampons (extra super plus, regular, and light) and some maxi-pads from Kroger that make her woo-hoo smell good. Unfortunately she doesn’t use the maxi-pads with wings because the wings make her woo-hoo sweat and I happen to prefer the wings to contain all that, um, blood. So! We headed down to the front desk to ask Daryl for directions to the nearest drugstore so that I would not wake up in the middle of the night lying in a puddle of, um, blood.
Daryl had only been working the front desk at the hotel for 2 days, but he knew what he was doing. He had a map already drawn up and everything. I politely inquired about where I may find a Walgreens or CVS and sweet, dumb Daryl asked me what I might be looking to purchase, because the Shell gas station down the road carried just about everything and was just so much closer. As he was speaking the words to me my mind was screaming out things like TYLENOL! TELL DARYL YOU NEED TYLENOL! NO WAIT! THEY WILL HAVE TYLENOL AT THE GAS STATION!
Before I could carry through with my plan (which was to fake a seizure and fall to the floor) my mama spoke.
“Maxi-pads. She needs some maxi-pads.” And then she started cackling like a witch.
At this point all I could do was nod that yes, indeed, I do need me some maxi-pads. I also said a little prayer that my aunt would not inform Daryl that the maxi-pads needed to come equipped with wings. I can only take so much embarassment, ya know?
Daryl assured me that the Shell gas station carried a nice assortment of feminine products and told us where to go. Daryl is a liar, because the gas station only carried two types of maxi-pads and neither happened to be the kind that I preferred, but I was a trooper and I got the crappy maxi-pads.
It really did all work out, though, because after I mentioned the crappiness of the maxi-pads and the likeliness of my awaking in a puddle of blood, my mom and aunt decided to share a bed and let me enjoy sleeping alone.
angel says:
Oh dear God. You are brave… in SOOOOOO many ways.
angel’s last blog post..The cold hard truth
April 7th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Shannon says:
Oh. My.
Gotta love moms. Just think, some day you can continue the cycle by doing it to your daughter!
Shannon’s last blog post..things i fail to understand
April 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Leslie says:
I feel for you.
I detest my period. I’m very, very mean when I have my period. My family is thankful I’ve spent so much of the past few years either pregnant or breastfeeding, and therefore, without a period. They also worship DepoProvera as it kept me period-free for six years prior.
Damn. How many times can I say PERIOD in one comment?
Leslie’s last blog post..For Those About To Pretend To Rock, I Salute You
April 7th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
amanda sue says:
nice. i now know a little too much about your mama’s woo-hoo, and a little too much about hotel sheets.
*mental note to always, ALWAYS bring my own sheets.*
April 7th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
MammaLoves says:
OMG! My mom and aunt were totally like that when they were together. I used to threaten them by saying if they didn’t behave I would exact my revenge by sitting them on the front porch on Main St. when they’re old and dress them in loud mis-matched polyester clothes with ugly plastic jewelry.
Of course, that just made them laugh louder–and that usually let to snorts.
MammaLoves’s last blog post..How He Became Our Son, Part II
April 7th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Karly says:
Amanda Sue, I promise that I did not REALLY wake up in a puddle of blood. The hotel sheets were un-harmed. Besides,I’m sure they bleach the hell outta those, anyway.
April 8th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Karly says:
MammaLoves,
What an excellent idea.
April 8th, 2008 at 6:36 am
nan says:
Best thing about breastfeeding for EVER: no periods. Best thing about the pill: light periods.
No wait! Best thing about the pill would be no BABIES!! No periods would be second best thing.
nan’s last blog post..you call THIS a routine??
April 8th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I bet your mom did that as payback. You know, for all the things you did to her as a kid that pissed her off or embarrassed her.
I have plans to do similar things to my kids when they are grown for those very reasons. Some days these evil plans are all that keep my going.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..When Laughter Isn’t the Best Medicine
April 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Kristin says:
Ummm. I laughed. Was I supposed to laugh? Because I did.
Kristin’s last blog post..Monday, Monday~Can’t Trust that Day
April 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Jennboree says:
Thus the reason Dateline does blue-light investigations of sheets. Ew. Bleach smeach.
April 8th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
the planet of janet says:
oh. my. GAWD.
there are no words……
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Is this the party to whom I am speaking?
April 8th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Jerseygirl89 says:
You are a genius. Was it all really a plot just to get your own bed?
And where the heck is this Target outlet? I have literally driven through IL a thousand times and never seen it. I must find it.
Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..Clearly, You All Have Superpowers
April 8th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Karly says:
Jerseygirl, TANGER outlet. Not Target. I would totally pee myself if there were a Target Outlet. Wouldn’t that be AWESOME? Target. Outlet. Anyway, we went to a Tanger Outlet Mall…its in Tuscola, which is about (guessing) 20 miles south of Champaign.
April 9th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Lindsay says:
You totally got your mom back by talking about her sweaty woo-hoo. Subtle
April 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Birdie says:
You actually LISTENED to Daryl?
This was such a funny post! SO glad I stopped by!
April 9th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Lynn says:
Too funny Karly! I will be sure to ask your mom and aunt what they think of this when they come get their hair cut, haha! I’m sure they are honored for being chosen for this blog. I’ve told them before I’d love to go one of these shopping trips, BUT now I am rethinking it doesn’t seem like such a good idea:)
April 10th, 2008 at 7:55 am
TheAunt says:
I absolutely LOVE the front porch on main st idea. The funny thing is TheMom won’t know where she is or how good she’s gonna look!!!
April 11th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Karly's Mom says:
I can just see us now. The Aunt would be saying, “This just sucks” and I’d be saying “I don’t like it!”.
Guess this means I’m going to have to be very sneaky when giving paybacks to my little darlin.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Pam says:
Well, at least you got the bed all to yourself. Geesh, what’s a little blood among family members anyway?
I hear ya though on the pads, My virginia and I are very selective when it comes to virginia accoutrements.
Did you buy yourself anything other than pads?
Pam’s last blog post..Boys Gone Wild 2008, Roll Credits
April 14th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
This Is About My Vagina And How It Bleeds. I’m Sorry. | Wiping Up Snot says:
[...] back in April I wrote about my 2008 Shopping Trip Version 1.0 and 1.1. I am happy to announce that it is now time for the 2008 Shopping Trip Version 2.0, 2.1, and 2.2. [...]
September 26th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Celtic jewellery says:
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March 11th, 2009 at 6:01 am