Dear You, Read This. Sincerely, Karly

April 22, 2008 | Filed in: Crazy Kids, Life As I Know It

Dear Comcast,

When I call to tell you that my internet is down AGAIN and you tell me to restart my computer that is SLIGHTLY annoying. Especially considering the fact that I just told you that the ONLY TIME my internet stops working is AFTER RESTARTING MY COMPUTER. Also, when you ask me to open Internet Explorer, click on Tools and then Accounts, you are just going to have to FIGURE OUT SOMETHING ELSE when I tell you that there is no Accounts option under Tools. Do not tell me to go to the start menu and look for some program called Microsoft Outlook Internet Explorer, because you see, Outlook and Explorer ARE TWO DIFFERENT PROGRAMS. Tell me which one you want me to open and I will do it. I am not dumb, quit talking to me like I am.

Sincerely,

Karly

*****

Dear Christian Homeschool E-Mail Group Members,

Most of you are great. I love this e-mail group because of the field trips, the play dates, and the other ideas that I hear about. But, it is SERIOUSLY FUCKING ANNOYING that I get daily e-mails about how to raise my daughter. And by RAISING MY DAUGHTER, I mean that you tell me to keep her home, teach her to sew, cook and clean, and not to send her to college because SHE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED until marriage. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What year is this? Seriously. This just PISSES ME OFF.

Also, when someone mentions to beware of ticks because they just found one on their child, please do not send out an email telling everyone NOT TO GET WORKED UP ABOUT TICKS and to just TRUST IN GOD. Again, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Should we also just go set ourselves on fire and TRUST that GOD will piss on us to put us out?

Sincerely,

Karly

*****

Dear Cindy-Lu,

I realize that you are only 3 years old and also FEMALE. Obviously you are going to be a bit of a bitch on most days. I accept that. But, SO HELP ME GOD, if you start screaming and crying about your cousin taking away your favorite INVISIBLE PRETEND birthday presents, I will hurt you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Mommy

*****

Dear Eeyore,

Thank you for being such a good kid. Thank you for always being patient and kind and helpful with your sister and with me. You really are the best little boy anyone could ever want and some days it is YOU that keeps me from going insane.
Love,

Mommy

19 Comments so far
Say It!

Ha - this cracks me up because I was just typing up a post in letter form.

Gina’s last blog post..Woooooo! And also - Ewwww

I myself, being a Comcast hater, feel ya. Wankers!

I may just have to borrow your letter to Cindy-Lu and send it to not only the Little Imp, but her EIGHTEEEN year old sister, who it also applies to. We had the battle to end all battles (until the next one anyhow) last night and are still not talking to one another. And then the Impish one had to have a meltdown this morning, all in an effort to out-do her older sister in the “lets piss mom off” contest.

Grrrr kids.

Sadly I don’t have an “Eeyore”…so no happy letters to anyone, here. Not today anyhow.

Auds over at Barking Mad’s last blog post..The ABC’s and XYZ’s of Me

Uh oh. Maybe we shouldn’t get my DD and Cindy Lu together this summer because they will start the mother of all cat fights over INVISIBLY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS!!!
I hear ya and I feel for ya, BIG TIME.

Uh, I mean invisiblE. Sorry, too early in the morning for me.

It’s those “keep your daughters protected until marriage” people that give homeschooling a bad name.

PS–I love Cindy-lu’s imagination. Maybe you have an future Oscar winner on hand.

MammaLoves’s last blog post..I’d Blame it on the Illness or the Weather…

dear karly,

you’re so funny!

love, janet

the planet of janet’s last blog post..Intestinal fortitude

Girl, trust in God to get rid of ticks? Eeek! What kind of mailing list/playgroup is this?

Bleck, I lived, through our Army travels, in some small, bible thumping towns, and it was beyond claustrophobic. You just gave me deja vu with this post. Shiver!

What? Comcast isn’t comastic? No! At least you got a real person. In Seattle, I got a automated voice telling me what to do–no joke. Then when I followed their instructions, I had to call a different number to get them to reset–yep, automated. Dude, I couldn’t even rant hoping some one was “recording this call,” because someone was probably yet another robotron.

Scout’s honor’s last blog post..Dirty Jokes Are Not For Mothers

OMFG!!!

Wow, really, I shed a few tears laughing at this one. And the fire/piss line, pure gold.

As for unwanted advice, here’s more - My kids are now 12 and 16. I have seen with my own eyes that it *does* get easier. Different, but easier.

Also, as a Jew, I agree with some of the Christian Homeschool E-Mail Group Members - you should absolutely wrap your children in Saran Wrap and bubble wrap and store them in the attic until they get married.

Stu Mark’s last blog post..The Pre-Passover Celebrity Sighting

Okay, I’m sorry, but this is funny. Especially the Christian homeschooling group. Having been homeschooled myself, I’ve seen some crazy homeschooling parents. It’s one thing to get your kid involved in every “intellectual” extra-curricular activity out there - it’s another to dress them like the Amish, complete with little bonnets, and not let them associate with boys at all. Like I said, c-r-a-z-y. But hey, I turned out all right (although that’s probably because my mom wasn’t one of those crazy people).

Pug Mom’s last blog post..Mistakes: Gotta Make ‘Em

I think there needs to be an official name for the “Dear __________” blog post. It’s such a good method for venting.
Shannon’s last blog post..an open letter to my children about suicide

Gina,

Letter posts are the best!

Amy,

We’ll just use Stu’s idea and wrap them in Saran Wrap and stick ‘em in the attic. They’ll be JUST FINE.

Dear Janet,

Your sweet.

Love,
Karly

Scout’s Honor,

I swear it isn’t some freaky cult group. It’s just an area Christian group. But, some Christians? FREAKS!

And Comcast is very good about having an actual person available to speak to. They also had someone out to my house the very next day when I called at 9pm at night. So, there’s that.

Stu,

I may become a Jew if it means I can wrap my children in Saran Wrap and keep them in the attic. They’d be so much less messy and obnoxious that way.