My Vagina. Let Me Tell You About It.

May 28, 2008 | Filed in: I'm Cool Like That!, Life As I Know It

It was two years ago this summer when my friend first mentioned to me that she had gotten a Brazilian wax. I was intrigued. I had SEEN Brazilian waxes before (Hello, pay-per-view porn.) and I had heard about people getting waxes before (Hello, internet.), but I had never actually KNOWN anyone that had gotten it done. She probably regretted mentioning it to me, because I immediately began interrogating her. “Did it hurt?” “How bad?” “Did you scream?” “Does it really take longer to grow back?” “Did she make you get on all fours and spread your butt cheeks?”

Happily, she answered my questions and gave me the name of the salon she went to. I called them and requested an appointment. Apparently cooter waxing is big business because they couldn’t get me in for a MONTH. I’m the type of person that has to get what I want RIGHT WHEN I WANT IT. There is no waiting for me. I need instant gratification, baby. That’s totally why Cleatus loves me. Because I am a whiny spoiled brat who stomps her foot and whines when she doesn’t get her way RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT.

I told them to schedule the appointment, but seeing as how my vagina was hairy and I did not want it to be hairy for a minute longer, I started calling around. I found another salon that could get me in that Saturday. It wasn’t IMMEDIATE but it was better than a month away. I told the girl to go ahead and schedule me and then started whimpering from fear. She did her best to reassure me, even going so far as to tell me that the waxer had a special way of folding the sheet over me so that I would never be exposed. That concerned me a bit, because HOW WOULD THE WAXER SEE THE HAIR?

I put the fear out of my mind with the help of some vodka and finished out my week. Saturday rolled around and I put on my big girl pants and headed off to have the hair violently ripped from my girly bits.

I pulled up to the “salon” and immediately noticed that it was actually someone’s house. (SIGN #1 THAT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE: You are about to enter a stranger’s house and allow them to look at you naked and then pull hair from your body.) I reassured myself that LOTS OF SALONS ARE IN PEOPLE’S HOUSES.

I walked in and was greeted by a teenage girl and a group of her friends. Did I mention that her friends were teenage boys? They were. I told her my name and that I was there for an appointment. I did not mention what the appointment was for, because TEENAGE BOYS. CAN NOT BREATHE. MIGHT POSSIBLY PASS OUT FROM LACK OF OXYGEN. (SIGN #3 THAT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE: Teenage boys.) She told me to go sit down and wait.

I sat by some lady who was getting her nails done. In the living room. Which was right off the kitchen. Which happened to be painted purple. The cabinets. The floor. The walls. The ceiling. All different shades of purple. (SIGN #3 THAT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE: Purple kitchens in the salon.)

I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. While I was waiting I noticed the big sign hanging up that listed the “salon’s” services. Funny, but Brazilian wax was not listed. Eyebrow wax. Lip wax. Leg wax. Bikini wax. No Brazilian. Whatever, I thought. They just don’t want to talk about waxing vaginas in their living room. PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE.

Finally the lady who would be doing the waxing came out and told me to follow her. So I did. Through the kitchen to the back of the house. And then down three steps to the landing by the back door. The back door that was wide open. And then down some more steps to the basement. At the foot of the stairs was a doctor’s office type bed. AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. WAS A BED. (SIGN #4 THAT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE: Open back door. Bed. At the bottom of stairs. In view of back door. Back door is open. Bed.)

“Here we are!” chirped the crazy bitch who planned to violate me. “Take your pants off and hop up on the bed.”

I took a couple of deep, calming breaths and looked up the steps to the back door. It was still open. Those teenage boys would probably go walking out of it any minute. Hell, they would probably come down the steps to watch the show. MAYBE THEY WOULD HELP WITH THE WAXING.

That was it. This was too much. I could not be expected to strip in front of an open door in someone’s BASEMENT and then be VIOLATED. This was totally unprofessional and there was no way I was going through with this. I had to be brave and gently explain that NO FUCKING WAY WAS THIS HAPPENING.

“Um…uh…do I need to take my underwear off too?”

Have I ever mentioned that I hate confrontation? I don’t like to offend people. I think that if I was the owner of that house with the purple kitchen and the back door and the medical bed in view of the back door that I would be TOTALLY OFFENDED if someone with a hairy vagina told me that my salon was not up to her standards.

I knew the answer to my question was going to be yes, you need to take your underwear off you FUCKING MORON, but I had to ask, because 1. she didn’t specifically say take your underwear off and 2. she was standing there staring at me and NORMALLY when people expect me to take my underwear off they have the decency to turn around or leave the room and let me do it in private.

“Nope! I’ll just tuck a paper towel along the sides of them so I don’t get wax all over them.” (SIGN #1 THAT GOD LOVES YOU: Your Brazilian wax has just turned in to a not so terrifying bikini wax.)

She did the bikini wax. I bit my lip and prayed that nobody would walk in the back door. That open back door actually took my mind off the pain. I was too busy worrying about those damn teenage boys to care about the fact that hair was being ripped from my body.

When she was done she watched me put my pants back on (WHAT. THE. FUCK.) and we went back upstairs. It was difficult to walk up the stairs while I was on my knees THANKING GOD that I had somehow scheduled a Brazilian wax at a place that didn’t even offer Brazilian waxes EVEN THOUGH the receptionist had told me all about the special sheet folding technique. Or maybe the woman was just confused and thought I was only there for a bikini wax. I don’t really know WHY I made it out of there with my hair still in tact on my vagina, but I DID and for that I was GRATEFUL.

I happily paid my thirty dollars for a service that I never really wanted in the first place and thanked the girl profusely. I acted as though I had just had the BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. What? Like you wouldn’t have done the same.

I then ran home and cried like a little bitch and broke the news to Cleatus that THE VAGINA, IT IS STILL HAIRY.

But, don’t worry, I still had that other appointment scheduled. Could I really go through with it again? Was I willing to risk my life a second time all in the name of a hairless hoo-ha? OF COURSE I WAS.

But I’ll have to tell you about THAT experience another time.

28 Comments so far
Say It!

ROFL. I was sitting here reading this in my lovely Google reader, the title of the post in MONSTROUS 24-pt bold type (I can’t see for shit and have my browser set to view LARGE fonts), when suddenly behind me I hear my husband gasp and say “WHAT THE FUCK.” (That’s funny in and of itself since he’s deaf and doesn’t “verbally” speak, with the exception of FUCK and its multitude of variations and an occasional SHIT.) I thought something was wrong and whipped around in my chair, coming face to face with his dinner-plate-sized eyes and mouth agape, staring at…. your vagina….. LMAO

Angie’s last blog post..Okay, for This Week

You are one brave woman, in more ways than one! HOLY CRAP!

Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

You.are.too.funny.

In the Trenches of Mommyhood’s last blog post..What I Did In NY–By Eldest

OH. MY. GOD.!!!!!!!

I am DYING here…that is just hysterical!! I can’t wait to hear about the real brazillan wax. (of course, I too know no one who has actually had one done and am DYING of curiosity about how embarrasing it is and how much it REALLY hurts…)

Enquiring minds need to know! (very weird..i just typed that i “need to know” about your girl…not something I ever thought I would say…)

marie’s last blog post..Bones…

LMBO!! I am one of those people that gets the brazilian. Actually, during the winter I get the “extended bikini” (ie- the jazz patch), then I get the brazilian in the summer. The first time I went (to surprise my hubby for valentines day a few yrs back) the lady came out and said “Oh! Are you Dr. C’s wife? He is my kids pediatrician!” I was mortified. i then informed my husband that the mom of one of his pts was even more intimate with my hoo haw then my OB! There is no way to do it discretely! Good luck next month, can’t wait to hear about it!

Michelle’s last blog post..Good food and great friends

I may be going to Hawaii next winter and I have been contemplating getting legs, underarms, brazillian waxing done and OMG I about spit out my diet pepsi reading this! You are too much! LOL!

Katie-KD’s last blog post..Works for me Wednesday: Cleaning Chart

LOL. Now I’m going to email once a week and ask if you’ve gotten it done yet.
Shannon’s last blog post..another reason why i hate moving

for starters, the title in my reader nearly did me in.

and after that, i just gave up and sprayed diet cherry chocolate dr. pepper all over my computer keyboard.

i’ll send you the bill.

the planet of janet’s last blog post..Dum-de-dum-dum-DUH *edited*

I have friends who do the whole brazillian. They swear by it, and I can quite understand the allure. I have done a basic skimpy bikini wax and it hurts less every time. I only wax my armpits now, and I love how it takes forever to grow out once you’ve waxed a few times. Totally worth it, here in bikini land!

nan’s last blog post..travel wasnt always this perfect…

i have been getting Brazilian waxed for years.
yes, you take your underwear off.
yes, you lie on your back with your nethers exposed
yes, it hurts like a bitch.
yes, you lie on your stomach and she spreads your cheeks ( but it’s only for a second..that part does hurt either)

but oh my dear god, it’s ALL worth it!

ali’s last blog post..my worst break-up ever…

oh you are a brave soul. that is too darn scary for me.

feener’s last blog post..Don’t forget the giveaway ! photo/stationary question

Tears are streaming down my face and I. Can’t. Breathe.

Shit, that’s funny. I’m way too chicken for just a regular ‘ol bikini wax. You’re a brave, brave women…good thing you put on your big girl pants first, otherwise you might not have made it through;)

MommyCosm’s last blog post..YoBaby Yogurt

Angie,

That is hilarious. I think your comment is much funnier than my story. My Vagina: Inspires the mute (or usually mute) to speak! That’s my vagina’s new motto!

Michelle, I would have died. I definitely prefer showing my hoo-ha to people that I do not know. Um, you know what I mean.

Shannon, This was all 2 years ago…so I had it done. I was just too tired to finish the story. I’ll finish it later this week!

Oh you are tooo funny! I am a brazillian waxer. LUUUUUVVVV it. Sure it hurts but only for a bit and it’s much better than shaving. I don’t get quite the same comments out of FG when I do just a bikini wax vs. a full on brazillian *wink *wink. Make it all worth it!

Okay. You have my full and riveted attention.

Swistle’s last blog post..Father’s Day Gift Ideas and Diet Update

HAHAHAHAAHA!

Can’t wait to hear about the Brazilian.
Nancy’s last blog post..Six by six by six etc.

I can NOT stop laughing. I think everyone should blog about their first waxing experience. Though my story doesn’t even compare to the hilarity of this one.

Can’t wait to read more.

Pocklock’s last blog post..Wardrobe Malfunction

Okay this is by far the best wax story I have heard. Please please please tell us about the next one. I can no longer see my hairy vagina…..at all but I’m thinking that I should do something about all that as to not scare the doctors when they try to serve the eviction notice to my child.

I’ve never waxed, but never knew why. Now I know why. A little hair won’t hurt anyone. Cleatus can go first if he wants you to brazilian.

that girl’s last blog post..That Hungry Girl: A Giveaway

STUFF THAT!!!!! I’m getting a trim tonight… oh joy… got to go see the Doctor tomorrow… and I suppose he will need to be able to find ‘it’… LOL!

Chris H’s last blog post..MORE INSPIRATION STUFF

Karly, you are hilarious!

I’m a do-it-yourselfer when it comes to grooming my “parts.” I’m too scared to go to a salon.

OMG, this is so wrong in so many ways…an open door…the basement…the wrong service for what you requested…just great right?

noble pig’s last blog post..Are There Other Practical Options?

Holy hells bells woman.
In her house! Shoot. I’d have turned tail and run.
Interesting. Can’t wait for the next installment. You’re braver than I. I’ll stick to shaving, thanks.

rachel’s last blog post..Bebe and The Brain Cancel

[...] Comments Kazelqhz on A Sign Of A Good Party?Kazelolf on A Sign Of A Good Party?rachel on My Vagina. Let Me Tell You About It.noble pig on My Vagina. Let Me Tell You About It.Leslie on My Vagina. Let Me Tell You About It. [...]

I was hoping to read about you actually having the full waxing. I must know all about it… because with only 6 weeks to go until the c-section I’m all set and ready to have someone magically (ok… even painfully) remove all the hair.

You are a braver woman than I am. I made a dentist appointment at a random office listed on our insurance providers list… and when I drove up it was a regular house. I didn’t even go in. Forget about trusting a salon in a house.

Colleen’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - Florida Flower

I stumbled this one…It was HILARIOUS.

Jennifer’s last blog post..The Post I Never Thought I’d Write

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