If you’re just tuning in, you may want to click here to read the first part of The History Of My Vagina And All Of It’s Hairy Glory.
Amazingly enough I did survive the traumatic bikini waxing experience and went on to greater things. I kept my appointment at the REAL SALON (AKA: not someone’s basement), although you can imagine just how nervous I was after my first experience. I pulled in to the parking lot and the first thing I noticed was that I was heading into someone’s house. Only not really. It USED to be a house. It had been converted to a gorgeous salon and NOBODY LIVED IT. At least, not on the first floor. I didn’t go down in to the basement this time, so I can’t say for sure that nobody lived down there.
I signed in, filled out a questionnaire (Does your vagina prefer classical music or jazz? Red wine or white?), and waited nervously for them to call my name.
My time came and a nice lady with really good hair (On her head. I assume her cooter was hair free. Although I did not ask to see.) and a tan came out to meet me. She shook my hand, invited me to follow her and left me in a sunny room that had been decorated quite nicely. She showed me where I could lay my pants and underwear, gestured to the sheet laying over the table, and told me she would be back in a few moments. They had thoughtfully left a box of baby wipes on one of the tables so I quickly stripped and wiped my crotch down, because I dunno about you but sometimes when I’m nervous my hoo-ha sweats. And boy was I nervous. So, I wiped myself down, because baby scented vagina smells better than sweat scented vagina, am I right?
I hopped on the table, covered up with the sheet and waited. She came back, made small talk, spread my legs and ripped the shit out of my pubic hair. (Um, I do not mean actual shit. I mean that she WENT TO TOWN. Their was no poo in my pubes. That I know of.)
I know that if you have not had a Brazilian before you are waiting impatiently for me to tell you if it hurt. All I have to say is this: You are a fucking moron. OF COURSE it hurt. Badly. It was tolerable though. I didn’t cry or scream, but I wanted to. I had taken Tylenol before I went and would definitely recommend doing that, because if it hurt that bad WITH the Tylenol I don’t even want to think about what it would feel like without. In fact, if you can find someone to drive, you may just want to go drunk. I should also mention that, sadly, you think it hurts in the beginning, but dude, you don’t even know what pain is yet. They start on the outside and work their way in and it just gets worse the farther in they get.
So, yes. Pain. Lots of it.
After she was done ripping all the hair out (which probably took about 20-30 minutes) (also, I should mention that I was “sugared” not “waxed.” Apparently sugaring is better. Do not ask me why. I do not know.), she told me to roll over on to my side so that she could do my butt crack. Oh yes, you read that right. She wanted to wax my butt crack.
I politely declined, but she insisted. “Oh, everyone says they’ll pass on that the first time, but I promise it doesn’t hurt! It’s NOTHING compared to what you just went through.”
All I could think was: Lady? I am not nearly as concerned about the pain as I am about spreading my ass cheeks for you. It is one thing to show you my lady bits, but there is just something about holding my butt cheeks open that makes me want to say PASS!
Obviously, because I am such a strong woman who has no confrontation issues whatsoever, I rolled over on to my side and reached around with one hand to hold my butt cheek up for her. Oh, the humiliation. Happily, it didn’t hurt a bit. (Yes, really. No pain.)
She left the room and I gingerly put my clothes back on and then hobbled out to pay. She asked if I would like to schedule another appointment for the following month, but I chose not to. I told her I would call her later. I wonder how many first timers actually schedule that second appointment right then?
Me and my vagina went home and Cleatus was so excited to play with his special new friend, but unfortunately she was in pain and refused to play. He kept asking to just see it, but dude, you are not a doctor and my vagina has a rug burn. For three days it was too sore to play BUT ON THE FOURTH DAY…well, lets just say that IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.
Seriously. Worth it.
It took about 3 weeks to start growing back and I haven’t gone back. This was all two years ago, so obviously I’m past due for an appointment. The only reason I haven’t gone again is because Cleatus works weird hours and it’s hard to schedule appointments a month in advance. Also? My mother-in-law is my babysitter, so asking her to keep the kids while I go get my hoo-ha waxed is a bit awkward. And I haven’t felt like spending the fifty or so bucks on it.
So, do I recommend that you run out and get the hair ripped from your hoo-ha? Oh, yes I do. Just get a recommendation on a good salon before you go.
feener says:
REALLY ? REALLY ? worth it ?? I too scared !!!
feener’s last blog post..Inventions
May 29th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
the planet of janet says:
crying now. c.r.y.i.n.g.
which leads to n.o.t. b.r.e.a.t.h.i.n.g.
which started with h.y.s.t.e.r.i.c.a.l. l.a.u.g.h.t.e.r.
note to self: STOP STOP STOP reading karly at work. people are starting to talk.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..OK. It’s time to grow up. Seriously
May 29th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Mrs. Schmitty says:
That is the funniest thing I have ever read! You seriously crack me up, lady!
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..School Days
May 29th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
carla says:
OMG!!! You are a HOOT!!! I have laughed soooo hard at your last 2 posts. I checked back today to see if you posted the *real* story!! lol
I think I’ll have to pass, though….I am a WIMP!!!
May 29th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
carla says:
OMG!!! You are a HOOT!!! I have laughed soooo hard at your last 2 posts. I checked back today to see if you posted the *real* story!! lol
I think I’ll have to pass, though….I am a WIMP!!!
carla’s last blog post..Kaylea’s hand…
May 29th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Gretchen says:
And here my husband hyperventilates anytime I mention my lady bits on my blog … he’d kill himself if I published a story similar to yours. And it skeeves me out to think of my MIL knowing the lay of the land down there if I did … more power to you for having the balls to post this!
Oh, and yesterday’s description of the basement “salon” with the teenagers in the “waiting room” - priceless. Like a really uncomfortable sitcom scene - are you sure you didn’t copy it from a Bridget Jones book?
Gretchen’s last blog post..She’s my hero
May 29th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Gretchen says:
Oh, and how funny is it that your “recent comments” now starts with “Gretchen on My Vagina: Version 2.0″
There’s a scary diagnosis - “I’ve got Gretchen on my vagina - the doctor gave me a week to live.”
Gretchen’s last blog post..She’s my hero
May 29th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Dawn says:
OOh Janet said it all.
For the record - my fuzz stays on - it’s covering the damn stretch marks.
Dawn’s last blog post..I’m in so much trouble
May 29th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Katie-KD says:
First off I am so glad you are posting so often! I truely love your blog and I know I will always get a great laugh! You did not disappoint! I am so getting one done, even with all the mentions of pain. I will make Caspian drive me with a stop to get some prickly pear margaritas first.
Katie-KD’s last blog post..Smoothalicious-ness
May 29th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Suzi says:
Oh, man. You have outdone yourself! I just posted a link to your post from yesterday, at the end of my own hair-removal story. You are a brave, brave woman!
May 29th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Kristie says:
Was just sent a link to your site yesterday, by a friend who almost couldn’t type she was laughing so hard. You are a brave woman for enduring the basement situation; braver still for sharing it with the world.
But, just so you know, I’ve had my private parts both waxed and sugared … and the sugaring is FAR worse! I don’t know who the hell ever said it is better, because I was told the exact same lie, but in my own experience, it is not. Now, that’s not to say waxing is pleasant in its own right …. but dude, the sugaring? It lasts for EVER. Waxing is just as painful, but its over in one quick rip.
Imagine being stoned to death slowly, with a million tiny rocks, or having one giant boulder just fall on your head. (Sugaring = tiny rocks; waxing = boulder, in case my lame analogy wasn’t clear.)
Although if you’ve gone two years, I’d just say the hell with it at this point and never go back.
Kristie’s last blog post..Plus One
May 30th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Karly says:
Feener, REALLY.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:57 am
Karly says:
Gretchen, Half the guys my husband works with reads this blog, so I warned him the day I posted this. “My vagina is on the internet! Have a nice day at work!” (Ok, I didn’t say THAT.) And I promise I didn’t steal the story, but you are right…it would make a good sitcom scene!
May 30th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Karly says:
Dawn, Honey? You have stretch marks? On your VAGINA? I can just see you guilting your kids with this when they are teens. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE IN JAIL? You call here in the middle of the night asking me to BAIL YOU OUT and after all I’ve done for you! I have STRETCH MARKS on my VAGINA thanks to you! Ungrateful little shit!” If that moment ever comes I want to be there.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Karly says:
Katie-KD, Is it weird that I’m so happy you are getting it done? Seriously though! WORTH IT! Oh, and I’m going on vacation next week, so I probably won’t post at all, so how’s that for timing? You tell me you like when I post more and I hide from my blog for a week.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Karly says:
Kristie, Oh. My. God. I can not believe I didn’t realize that. Of course waxing wouldn’t take as long! Jesus. I am SO getting waxed next time instead of sugared, because that roll it and rip it technique they do SUCKS. Thanks for the tip! Although, the thought of all that hair coming out at once…OW.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:09 am
David King says:
Reminds me of the first time you got your ears pierced in St. Louis, except you cried like a little bitch then… and I didn’t have to think about your dirty parts.
Bahahah
David King’s last blog post..Why are people so stupid??
May 30th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Much More Than A Mom says:
I used to do that ALL the time, but haven’t since I was pregnant with my first. Now it just gets trimmed and touched up with a razor. Poor neglected vagina.
Great stories! (Sorry I suck at commenting - I only have time to read in my reader lately and not to click through. BAD blogger!)
Much More Than A Mom’s last blog post..Fun Fact Friday, The Second
May 30th, 2008 at 8:53 am
ali says:
so worth it….
i find that the most painful part is right where the “landing strip” is. she once took that off, and i pretty much died right there on the spot.
ali’s last blog post..things that only happen to ali…and LOST!!!!
May 30th, 2008 at 9:00 am
AMomTwoBoys says:
Gah! I’ve been “wanting” (because can you really say you WANT to do it) forEVER now but still haven’t been able to work up the courage. It’s the butt crack part that gets me. And the image of my co-worker, in our office in a skirt-suit, showing me the position her waxer put her in to do the insides…funniest & scariest thing ever.
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..This Is Your Brain On Crack
May 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Katie-KD says:
Of COURSE you are going on vacation LOL! No worries! I am sure that will load you up with many wonderful things to blog about when you get back.
Oh and I am calling a salon that I have a gift certificate for today! I will let you know.
Katie-KD’s last blog post..Smoothalicious-ness
May 30th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Michelle says:
Really? You haven’t gone back? I have to admit after the first time I did it, I couldn’t stand having the hair back. I cheat though. I have a prescription numbing cream that I use. I put it on, cover it up with saran wrap for an hour (yes, i crinkle when I walk, and yes i do this at work because I get waxed on my lunch break), wipe it off, and presto! I am pretty numb down there. I mostly just feel the heat of the wax. I am also not a fan of the butt in the air, spread the ass cheeks position, but I am used to it now. Anyway, thanks for the awesome laugh!!
Michelle’s last blog post..Guess what….
May 30th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Shannon says:
Thanks for not making me wait for a whole month for this story. Reading it today was just the laugh I needed.
You are a brave woman. And although I really don’t see myself ever feeling comfortable enough to let someone do this to me, it’s kind of good to hear how it all works, should I ever get crazy!
Shannon’s last blog post..SOS: Please send chocolate!
May 30th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
It’s official - you have way bigger balls than me. I would have to be knocked out.
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..New House! New House! New House!
May 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
A Mom Anonymous says:
Two hints for you and anyone else considering it…. use stuff called No Scream Cream or use vagisil about 1/2 hour before your wax. It numbs it all up a bit. Just be sure to get it all off with the baby wipes.
And yes, TOTALLY REALLY REALLY worth it. Plus, people say it, I didn’t believe it but it’s true. It gets less painful the more you do it. If I miss a few months, oh mama it hurts again but if I go regularly and use the cream, eh, not quite so much.
May 30th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Pam says:
I’ve been known to shave but frankly, it doesn’t do anything for Larry so I figure, why bother he likes me in all my glory and he’s even agreed to let me know if the hair is hanging out of my shorts at a baseball game. He’s nice like that.
Pam’s last blog post..I Can’t Help But Wonder
May 30th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
noble pig says:
I am cringing in pain just reading this but laughing all the way.
noble pig’s last blog post..Life is Just a Chair of Bowlies
May 30th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Kristin says:
OMG. I laughed quite hard at post 1 and 2.0. And I am a CHICKEN SHIT-E and will NEVER EVER attempt such stuff. sigh.
Kristin’s last blog post..Lessons I’ve learned this week
May 31st, 2008 at 7:26 am
Kelley says:
Not on your life. Aint gunna happen. I am a pussy about pain *snigger*
I wonder if Nair would work though? Or would it just melt all my girly bits?
You are teh rockstar my lovely, I bow to your bravery. But sugared? Sugared? Sounds a bit to kinky for me, if any one is gunna be sugaring my girly bits I want it to be some freaking hot stud not some chick.
Kelley’s last blog post..Duuuude! Point that thing outside.
May 31st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Elle says:
You totally rule in the big brave department. However, you can have ALL of my future waxing appointments, I had enough trouble when upon finding a grey (no, white) pube, I decided to try to PULL it. With tweezers. I sneezed and wretched, eyes watered, for Just ONE. Can’t imagine all of them, at once. Besides, Chuck seems to appreciate the au natural just fine. So I’ll just go with that for now.
Elle’s last blog post..Ah, the Delicate and Subtle Joys of Summer
May 31st, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Chris H says:
There is NO WAY IN HELL I am ever going to do that! Just no way. It’s bad enough having to go to the Dr for an ‘intimate’ examination, let alone letting some complete stranger stare at me fanny just for the hell of a few hairs! I ain’t got many anyway! As for the butt crack.. F*#k that!
Chris H’s last blog post..***NEWS FLASH ***** NEWS FLASH*****
May 31st, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Leslie says:
Karly, you are the funniest person. Ever.
I’m too afraid of A) the pain and B) the embarassment of going to have it done. If I go bare down there, it’s courtesy of a razor. Although, it’s pretty much wild kingdom right now.
June 1st, 2008 at 11:24 am
Kim says:
You make me laugh and I send the links on to some of the girls I work with because we can all empathise.
Thanks for the giggles while I am in the office.
Kim
Kim’s last blog post..A long time between drinks
June 1st, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Joc says:
Damn you, now I have to clean spit out coffee out of my keyboard lol
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 am
amy2boys says:
Oh girl, I am SO non-confrontational, but I would have run screaming like I was on fire from that first basement place!!
Women don’t really have butt crack hair, do they?
And ya know, with some shave gel and a new Venus razor, you can shave it all off at home. You have to do it 2-3 times a week, but after the first time it’s only a couple swipes (careful ones) and you’re good to go.
But it is SO worth doing!
amy2boys’s last blog post..Shark Bites
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:48 pm
nan says:
Waxing isn’t so bad if you do it regularly. Sugaring sounds kinda kinky? I guess you could surprise Cleatus with another Brazillian… One day. Your story is so funny, but it didn’t make me rush to the salon for a wax job down there! I’ll stick with just doing my armpits, thanks!
nan’s last blog post..Introducing the Bling Ride
June 4th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I said it yesterday. I’ll go hairless as soon as the hubs goes hairless.
Someone needs to seriously clue me in to exactly WHY this is SO worth it because damn. I’m standing over here on this side of the fence with a big sign saying Hell No I Won’t Go Until My Hubs Does Something Kinky For Me!
And now i’m wondering if I’m the crazy one instead of you gals with hairless hoo-haas.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..This Time I Really Do Sit On a Shrink’s Couch
June 4th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Crystal says:
Hilarious!!! I’ve been there…. I was afraid I’d scream too but somehow I didn’t. The woman that was yanking my hair out said “do you have any children?” I told her I didn’t and she said she was surprised because I seemed to have a high threshold for pain. I’ve only done it once when I was out of town and a friend recommended the salon. I don’t even know where to look in my own town.I guess I’d have to call around because there’s no way I’m going to walk into a nice salon and ask for the service in person, especially if they don’t do them. I’d totally walk out imagining that they’re thinking I’m a perv (or my husband is) :O)
June 4th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
cate says:
oh. bloody. hell! i’ve got tears rolling down my face from laughing!
this is yet another one of those few upsides to having lost all of my hair (like…ALL of it) to Alopecia…hair removal is but a distant memory!
cate’s last blog post..mommies don’t have penises
June 5th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Jerseygirl89 says:
Besides my fear of pain, I can’t get this story out of my head:
My friend Sara got Brazilians regularly. She talked my friend Christen into doing it as well. Christen nervously shows up at the salon Sara goes to and the waxer, whose first language was NOT English, asks her what shape she wants. Christen has no clue, so the woman starts saying all these shapes, but Christen can’t understand her. So the woman lifts up her skirt - she’s not wearing any underwear, natch - and says, “You want like dis?”
I am convinced something like that would happen to me.
Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..That’s An Insult? Seriously?
June 5th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
V says:
In case any of the previous commenters read the follow-ups (sorry I’m a bit late with this, just read it today), I always use Veet for sensitive skin(hair remover). Just cover up the sensitive bits with tissue and you can get a total Brazilian. Doesn’t last as long but much less painful. Very Nb that you get the one for sensitive skin though!
V’s last blog post..Update
June 8th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Joshua Ozuna says:
I laughed out loud while reading this one! I really really like it a lot. I’m just glad I’m a guy and I don’t really have to worry about that too much. lol
Hey I also wanted to tell you that I am from pekin too! It really is a small world.
Joshua Ozuna’s last blog post..The Dream Team Halloween Hayday
June 8th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Carol VR says:
My god, I just found your blog, and was killing myself laughing.
Just the title of your blog alone, really draws you in… OK I know…it’s pathetic, isn’t it?!?
Do pop by my blog and say hello.
Carol VR’s last blog post..Awesome recipe site I stumbled across…
June 18th, 2008 at 9:01 am