About a month ago my mama and I were shopping at Target and she was looking for a new purse. I, being the ever helpful daughter, was looking with her. Only instead of finding HER a purse, I found ME one.
This one. Only not that EXACT one.
Isn’t it perdy? My mama loved it too, but I found it first SO HA! Old people are slow, not my problem! (Okay, so I offered it to her, but she held out for a brighter colored, similiar bag at JCP.)
I loved that purse. It was neutral, which is good, because I don’t like changing purses often. It was the perfect size. It had the perfect amount of good sized pockets. Oh, that purse was my SOUL MATE, y’all.
We were very happy together. It contained all of my favorite things, like my two lip glosses, my lipstick, my little mini jar of vaseline (to be used like chapstick, soooo good, although I worry that people will think I carry vaseline around in case of a butt sex emergency of some sort), my wallet and credit cards, my money, my favorite Cocoa Butter lotion, my non-favorite regular lotion, a million old receipts, lots of change and who knows what else.
While we were on vacation I got in the habit of leaving my baby in the van. Cleatus was around all the time and where there is a Cleatus there is a lot of available pocket space. Besides, I was usually hauling my camera with me and that was heavy enough. Every time I would forget and grab my purse before going in somewhere Cleatus would remind me to just leave it in the van. EXCEPT! That one time, on our last night there, when I insisted that we eat at No Way Jose’s. I took my purse in, sat it under the table, ate my weight in chips and salsa, and then promptly forgot my purse under the table and left.
Obviously it was Cleatus’s fault for not reminding me to leave my purse in the van. OBVIOUSLY.
I realized what I had done as soon as we were getting out of the van to go in the cabin. My purse had been missing for twenty minutes tops. I ran inside, called the restaurant, spoke to some guy who couldn’t speak English (I know I’m going to offend someone, but OH MY GOD, if you live in the United States you should SPEAK ENGLISH, JESUS FUCK, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?), was transferred to our waitress who told me “Ah, bummer, it’s not here.”
Cleatus was rather irritated with me, even though it was ALL HIS FAULT, and he went out on the deck and pouted while I called and canceled all of our credit cards and hyperventilated because we were now on vacation, 600 miles from home, with only $300 in cash and no way to get more money. After the cards were canceled, I called my mama and whined, and then climbed in to bed to watch the DVD I had brought along for a boring night. (Grey’s Anatomy Season 2, obviously.)
The next morning we climbed in the van to head home and I popped open the glove compartment just for fun to see what I might find. Guess what was in there? No, not my purse. I would never shove my purse in some dark dreary hole. I would, however, shove my wallet in there to make a little extra room in my purse should I decide to put my camera in there. MY WALLET. IN THE VAN. WITH ALL MY CREDIT CARDS. THAT WERE ALREADY CANCELED. FOR NO REASON.
Luckily our bank was able to reverse the hold on our debit card so we had access to our bank accounts. THANK GOD, PANIC ATTACK AVERTED, PLEASE ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR TRIP HOME.
We ended up staying in a hotel about four hours from home so that the kids could swim. It was totally worth the money, too, because about thirty minutes into swimming Eeyore puked in the pool and they had to close it down for a few hours. The other guests then stormed our room carrying pitch forks and torches. It was a totally relaxing way to end our trip.
Anyway, I’m home now. And can you guess where I went the very next day after I got home? To Target! To buy the exact same purse again, of course! Only this time? It was on sale! I am such a bargain shopper! Instead of paying $50 for a $25 purse, I only paid $37! Cleatus is so lucky to have me.
David King says:
Not to mention if the person who took your purse gets caught, they will already have vaseline for their prison butt sex emergency
David King’s last blog post..Why do people continue to be stupid?
June 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
noble pig says:
Oh my gosh I’m sorry about all the trouble but that just cracked me up and David’s comment OMG.
noble pig’s last blog post..Noble Pig’s Wine Shopping List
June 11th, 2008 at 10:50 am
the planet of janet says:
i had something all witty to say, but david’s comment just made it all go away.
uh. so. um. yeah.
what he said.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..It’s the tw!l!ght of our ecl!pse for a new m00n at breaking d@wn. I’ll be the h0st
June 11th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Katie-KD says:
David–OMG…
Won’t the person who stole it be like UBER-PISSED when they realize the didn’t get anything but lip gloss, lotion and vaseline??? They did however getyour awesomely cute purse and for that I am sad for you.
Sounds like the rest of the trip home was os so joyous! Have fun buying new lotion!
Katie-KD’s last blog post..Friends, Freebies and Freedom! (WFMW)
June 11th, 2008 at 11:54 am
David King says:
Well from what I heard they also got a phone, because I was apparently texting the enemy the other day (although I’m assuming it was shut off by then anyway). Then again, perhaps that was left out intentionally, but I felt the need to bring it up anyway. teehee
David King’s last blog post..Why do people continue to be stupid?
June 11th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Karly says:
David,
Good point. I can’t believe I forgot about my phone and MY MONEY. Only about thirty bucks, but STILL! I was more worried about my lip gloss and my lotion.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Josh Ozuna says:
How exactly was it Cleatus’ fault? If there is one thing that is for sure in this world its that wives will always be blaming husbands for their mistakes until the end of time.
It probably works the opposite way too but I don’t pay attention to that since I’m a guy.
Josh Ozuna’s last blog post..Fun With Insomnia pt.1
June 11th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Zephra says:
Prison butt sex emergency? Bwah hah hah.
Zephra’s last blog post..Hot fun in the summer time
June 11th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Lottifish says:
I was stuck on that middle paragraph for so long thinking that you were saying you literally “got used to leaving your baby in the van.” I had to read that paragraph at least 10 times to realize that by “baby” you meant “purse.”
Lottifish’s last blog post..Stealing My Mom’s Funnies
June 11th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Suzi says:
High five to my sister in the Target Purse Sorority! Think of all those poor schmoes who lose their $500 designer bags instead. Although…was your camera in there? Because if it was, then it’s not a happy ending, after all.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
rachel says:
That purse is just adorable.
And it only ended up costing you what? $87? *snicker*
Glad you found your wallet though, sorry about all the shite you went through. I bet a busser or waitress went home happy with a new purse that night.
rachel’s last blog post..More Than, Less Than… Wednesday
June 11th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Leslie says:
What I learned from this post: Moist lips are a priority for you.
That sounded like a fortune cookie.
I’m sorry about your purse. I hope whoever has it is treating it well. Chances are, though, that it’s crying for you right this very moment from some dark, creepy place where people are having butt sex.
Leslie’s last blog post..Understanding Grimmettese: Lesson One
June 11th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Pam says:
As a self diagnosed purse-aholic, I salute your taste and died a little for you when you lost your beloved. Glad you found your wallet though AND sweet on the deal at Target. Just another reason why I love Target, they treat purse and shop aholics very well.
Your cabin trip looks to have been a ton of fun!! How was Dollywood?
Um and what exactly is Leslie’s point about people who have butt sex? Some of the nicest people I know have butt sex. Not me of course, but people I know.
Pam’s last blog post..Weight Loss Milestone
June 12th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Vicky says:
Cute purse. I’m glad you could get another one.
Vicky’s last blog post..Diet Loser
June 12th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Shamelessly Sassy says:
I love this post, because it would SO happen to me.
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Fannypack Phobia
June 13th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Owning Up To My Irresponsible Ways | Wiping Up Snot says:
[...] when I left my purse at a restaurant while we were on vacation? Well, I could tell that he was PISSED about it. He [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 9:27 am