You know how you’ll be reading a bunch of blogs and having a grand ol’ time and then someone will mention something about their hard drive failing? It usually goes something like this: ZOMFG!!1! YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. MY HARD DRIVE FAILED AND I LOST ALL MY DATA AND WAAAAAAAAH! I HAD YEARS AND YEARS OF INFORMATION, VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION, INFORMATION LIKE PICTURES OF MY PRECIOUS BABIES AND IT’S GONE, ALLLLLLL GOOOOOOONE!!! WHY ME, GOD, WHY ME?

Yeah.

Well.

ZOMFG!!1! YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. MY HARD DRIVE FAILED AND I LOST ALL MY DATA AND WAAAAAAAAH! I HAD YEARS AND YEARS OF INFORMATION, VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION, INFORMATION LIKE PICTURES OF MY PRECIOUS BABIES AND IT’S GONE, ALLLLLLL GOOOOOOONE!!! WHY ME, GOD, WHY ME?

You see, I’m like one smart motherfucker and stuff, so I asked for an external hard drive for Christmas last year, because I did not want to lose YEARS of information and pictures and OMG, DID I MENTION THE PICTURES? OF MY BABIES? YES? I DID? BECAUSE THERE WERE YEARS OF PICTURES! OF MY BABIES! So, I got the external hard drive, the WESTERN DIGITAL MY BOOK ESSENTIAL EDITION hard drive and I happily transferred FOUR MOTHERHUMPING YEARS worth of STUFF, VERY VERY IMPORTANT STUFF on to it. And then I felt all safe and secure and I was so proud of myself for being grown up!

But then? Then I noticed how SLOW my computer was running and OMG, IT’S TAKING ME AN HOUR JUST TO TURN THE FUCKING THING ON and so, well, you see…I deleted all the pictures off of the computer because they were SAFE AND SECURE on my external hard drive.

Today I tried to access my hard drive and grab a couple of those pictures off of it and my hard drive started cackling like a fucking maniac and I said WHAT? ARE YOU LAUGHING? THAT IS WEIRD, DUDE. WHAT’S SO FUNNY? THE PICTURES OF MY CUTE BABIES ARE FUNNY? YOU ARE GIGGLING AT MY CUTE BABIES?, but the hard drive cackled a little louder and said HUH UH, BITCH, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF SITTING HERE BEING IGNORED ALL DAY LONG AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I QUIT, MOTHERFUCKER, and so I said BUT MY BABIES! MY CUTE BABIES! DO YOU SEE THE PICTURES OF MY CUTE BABIES? and the hard drive said …. NOTHING.

So I called WESTERN DIGITAL regarding my MY BOOK ESSENTIAL HARD DRIVE and they said, and I quote, “Bummer dude,” and gave me the phone number of a data recovery service. (Okay, so they didn’t actually say bummer, but I don’t know what they did say because THEY DID NOT SPEAK THE ENGLISH.)

I called the data recovery service and do you know what THEY said? They said “Oh, sure! We can fix that no problem! Just have your bank call us with the loan information!” and I said “What? Loan information?” and they said “Oh, you didn’t know? WE CHARGE 9 MILLION DOLLARS PER HOUR AND IT WILL TAKE AT LEAST 800 HOURS TO RECOVER YOUR DATA.” and I said “OH! AWESOME! BECAUSE I HAVE LOADS AND LOADS OF MONEY!” The only problem was that what I said was a lie.

After that I called some local guy who was CHIPPER about the whole fucking thing and he said “Yeah, WESTERN DIGITAL is the worst! People bring me WESTERN DIGITAL hard drives all the time because they’ve failed!” and then I said “JUST GET ME MY PRECIOUS BABIES” and he happily explained all the reasons that he probably wouldn’t be able to recover the data himself and that probably the 9 million dollar per hour company would have to do it, but HEY, GO AHEAD AND BRING IT IN AND WASTE YOUR TIME AND MINE! I’D LOVE TO TAKE A LOOK!

And so I brought it in and he started LAUGHING because the situation, it was…funny? I guess? No. NOT FUNNY, MOTHERFUCKER.

He ran to the back and brought out a WESTERN DIGITAL MY BOOK ESSENTIAL EDITION hard drive that was identical to mine and said OH, LOOKY! SOME OTHER DUMBASS BOUGHT THE SAME PIECE OF SHIT HARD DRIVE AS YOU! AND HIS IS BROKE TOO! AND I CAN’T FIX HIS! NOW LET’S SEE IF I CAN FIX YOURS? HEEHEE HAHA! and I said DO YOU HAVE A RAZOR BLADE? I THINK I NEED TO SLIT MY WRISTS.

So here I sit. Waiting for him to call me with news and wondering if I am going to be taking out an extra mortgage on my house just to recover the pictures of my PRECIOUS BABIES.

All of this to say: BACK UP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HARD DRIVES, DUDE. Do not be like me. Just don’t.

Oh, I know. You are sitting there thinking “I should really just do it. I should just back this shit up,” but in the back of your mind YOU KNOW that you won’t. And I just have to say FUCKING DO IT, MAN. I’m tellin’ ya. You have no idea what it feels like to realize that FOUR YEARS OF YOUR BABIES LIVES are now gone. Seriously. Like you are going to remember what your PRECIOUS BABIES looked like without photographic evidence? Doubt it.

Oh, and I’m not sure if I mentioned it or not, but the hard drive that TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKED was from WESTERN DIGITAL.

So my husband finally broke. He is now the proud owner of a stray kitty. Poor guy, he hates cats. For eight looooong years I’ve been asking for a kitten. And for eight looooong years he’s been saying no. That all changed on Thursday night. I called him at work to tell him about the kitten my cousin found on the side of the road. I told him that I knew it was a bad time to get a kitty (since we’re planning on trying to sell our house in the next couple of weeks), but that THIS WAS FATE and THIS POOR LITTLE BABY WAS GOING TO DIE and DID HE WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT? DID HE?

Obviously, he didn’t. Also, I think the fake tears I injected in the middle of the conversation helped somewhat. I can pretty much get whatever I want if I just cry about it. And luckily I can cry on demand. But, lets be honest here, you would have done the same thing.

Don’t feel too sorry for him. I’ve caught him playing with her a couple times now. He acts all tough and manly, but it’s a facade. He just likes to think he’s a cold-hearted bastard who doesn’t care about sweet little animals. I’ll bet he lets Lily lick his face when I’m not watching.

The kids seem to really enjoy playing with her, except…well…I hate to say it, but I think that Cindy-Lu might be insane. Like, REALLY insane or something. You know how the crazy murderers start out hurting small animals? Yes, well. Cindy-Lu will be gently playing with Lily and then all of a sudden she’ll look at me and say “Can I pull her tail?” or “Can I knock her down?” or “Can I poke her in the eye?” I’ve started hiding all the kitchen knives. And locking my bedroom door at night.

Is this normal? Do all children go through a violent phase? She has also been threatening her brother and her cousin. If they do something to piss her off she says “If you don’t stop doing dat, I will hit you in da face!” or “If you do dat again I will kick your head!” She’s never actually followed through on her threats, but one of these days I’m afraid one of them is gonna get an ass kickin’.

I can’t help but notice that this didn’t start until I started threatening to spank her (and following through a couple of times). WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY BABY? I’ve turned her into a serial killer, that’s what. So, obviously, I’ve switched back to time outs. I might have to physically hold her in the chair for the three minutes she gets time out, but damn it, that girl gets time out!

And since I’m jumping from topic to topic anyway, I might as well add that Eeyore is still as sweet as pie. And handsome too.

Now I think I’ll go bake some brownies. I’m hungry, yo.

Things That Make Me Happy: School supply sales! Crayons for $.22 when they are usually close to $2.00! Markers for $.88 when they are usually over $3.00! Scissors for $.75 when they are usually over $2.00!

Things That Piss Me Off: Buying a cart full of markers only to get them home and realize they are not washable. WHY DO THEY EVEN MAKE MARKERS THAT ARE NOT WASHABLE?

Things That Scare Me: Cindy-Lu shouting at her cousin, “If you don’t come here right now, I’m gonna throw dis ball to your head!”

Things That Make Me Giggle: See: Things That Scare Me.

Things That Seriously Piss Me Off: Our new-ish television stand BREAKING mere hours after spending all of our money on home improvement crap. Also? Watching Blue’s Clues.

Things That Make Me Happy: The television stand breaking while we were moving it, so that we were able to hold it together until we removed the TV and PS3. If those had been broken I would have CRIED. Also, shiny new television stand! Pretty!

Things That Make Me Feel Like White Trash: Our television sitting on an ugly old coffee table while we wait for the new stand to be shipped.

Things That Make Me Wanna Take A Nap: Pulling all these fucking weeds. Maybe gardening is not my strong suit?

Things That Make Me Feel Good: Oh, who am I kidding? I am clearly a PROFESSIONAL GARDENER.

Cleaning is not the boring task I thought it was. I am actually thinking and learning and growing as a person. See what I mean:

• Walls are a waste of space. All they do is stand there and collect dust. In my new home I will not have any walls.
• If you are unfortunate enough to have walls in your home you should wash them more than once every 8 years. Because look! Shiny! My bathroom walls are GLOWING.
• Cabinets with doors are a no-no. The only reason you need a door is so that you can hide what is inside because what is inside those closed doors is OLD and USELESS and OH LOOK! ONE OF CINDY-LU’S PACIFIERS FROM 3 YEARS AGO! No. More. Cabinets.
• Should you decide to paint three rooms the same neutral color you should buy just enough paint for ONE room just to be sure you are going to like the color. Do not buy SEVEN MOTHERFUCKING GALLONS of FLESH COLORED PAINT and just assume that it will look nice. Flesh colored paint does not look nice. Also, it is hard to sleep when you can not stop chanting “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.”
• 10 hours of painting is TOO MANY HOURS.
• My husband is a much harder worker than I am. I already knew that, though.
• If you write a list of things for your husband to complete and add sex at the end of the list, you can rest assured that he will be quite annoyed when you immediately start your period after showing him the list.
• An 8 year anniversary with no sex seems somehow fitting. It’s been 8 loooong years. Why would we have sex with each other?
• I kinda want to have sex.
• FLESH COLORED WALLS.
• Secret Clinical Strength deodorant is TEH AWESOME.

Now I need to go put some real clothes on and take my babies out for pizza. I kinda missed them this weekend. Also? Am hungry.

Yes, I know. You are sick of looking at the stupid potato recipe and you are ready for me to post something else. I’M SORRY, MAN. Nothing exciting has been happening around here.

Yesterday I took the kids to their Spanish class and sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes and listened to the other mothers discuss how rich they are and then I punched them in their stupid faces and told them to shut the fuck up. Seriously, I understand that you all feel the need to one up each other, but oh my holy fuck, I think you are taking it just a leeeeetle to far when you start pulling your Gymboree receipts out of your purses to see who spent the most.

“Oh, I just ADORE the new apple line! I bought every piece! And I also bought a couple pieces from some of the other lines in the store.”

“Really? I ALREADY HAVE all the other lines. I’ll have to run out there tomorrow and pick up the apple line.”

“Mm. Well. I just ordered a couple of new American Girl dolls for my stupid spoiled brat. She just loves the matching outfits for her and her doll.”

“Oh, I know! My horribly rotten little girl also loves to dress like her American Girl! I’ll have to order them some more outfits!”

“Eek! Ouch! That white trash girl just punched me in my stupid face!”

“Oh my goodness! She is, like, so totally TRASHY and I bet she doesn’t have as much money as us! We should go sit somewhere else so that she doesn’t, like, rob us or something.”

I’m tellin’ ya. Spanish class is just a big pain in the ass anymore.

Luckily, I had just ran out of deodorant that morning and so I needed to go to Wal-Mart and pick up some more while the kids were in class. I have never been so happy to buy deodorant as I was yesterday. Anything is better than sitting in that tiny fucking waiting room with those crazy women.

When I got back from Wal-Mart I showed them my reciept and asked if I could join their club. They said no.

That concludes my totally non-exciting yesterday.

Today I took the kids swimming (sounds fun, except for the part about the kids) and then came home and scrubbed the hell out of my kitchen. I cleaned out the expired crap in my cabinets, scrubbed the cabinet faces, scrubbed the walls, and scrubbed the counters and sink. I need to clean my stove and scrub my floors and then my kitchen will be sparkly and shiny. Why do I want a sparkly kitchen? Well. Let me tell you.

For the past, oh, lets see…we’ve been living in this house for 8 years now…so for 8 years we have been talking about MOVING. But then we realize that we are either A. poor or B. lazy and we just STAY HERE. Last year we got as far as having a realtor come and do a fair market appraisal and give us a list of shit to do, but then we looked at the list of shit and we laughed and said yeah right and HERE WE ARE.

Our wedding anniversary (8 years!) is Tuesday and Cleatus took off 5 days around our anniversary to have a lot of sex or something, but then I got all MOTIVATED (I know! That’s never happened before! It’s actually kind of cool!) and made lists (very long lists) of the things we need to do (paint, clean, paint, clean, paint, clean) and I stuck them on the front of the fridge and said LOOK! NO TIME FOR SEX! Bummer! (Oh, who am I kidding? I like sex.) and then Cleatus cried like a little girl and I promised him that MAYBE if he was a very good boy and helped me complete the lists and lists of stuff to do before he had to go back to work then I might possibly have sex with him but only if he worked REALLY hard and promised to buy me a shiny new house.

Needless to say, I’m going to be busy for the next few days and so I probably won’t be blogging much.

Now I’m off to scrub pee off of my bathroom floor. Little boys are such a pain in the ass.