Cleatus has a way of making me feel just a wee bit dumb. He’s very good at it really. I think it is because he really does have a lot of common sense and, well, I’m a girl and stuff. I do weird things sometimes. And then he looks at me like I’m dumb and then I feel dumb. Boys suck.
Remember when I left my purse at a restaurant while we were on vacation? Well, I could tell that he was PISSED about it. He didn’t say he was angry and he didn’t tell me I was stupid or anything (because he NEVER would, he’s not that kinda guy), but I KNEW he was thinking it. It just totally ruined his day. He was irritated with me and he tried to hide it because he’s a good guy, but he didn’t really succeed, because I have super powers and I can read his mind. Either that or I just assume I know what he is thinking, because he likes when I do that. Really. He does.
Anyway, he usually gets to be the smart one in the relationship. That’s okay. It works for us. At least it DID work for us. UNTIL YESTERDAY.
I was doing laundry, because that is what I do. All day, every day. Laundry laundry laundry. Oh, right, telling a story here.
I was doing laundry and when I went to transfer the wet clothes from the washing machine in to the dryer I heard a little jingle jangle. I looked in the washing machine and what to my wondering eyes did appear? MY CAR KEYS. With the little electronic key fob that beeps open my locks and slides open the door on my van.
I snatched the keys out of the wash and ran to the front door and began pushing buttons, willing my van door to go sliding open. It didn’t work. I set it out to dry for a little bit, but no. It was done for.
I grabbed my phone, called GM and asked how much it would cost for a replacement. Seventy-five bucks. Not as bad as I expected, but still. Wasted money! Money that could have been spent on SOMETHING more fun. I don’t know what exactly, but I’m sure I would have found SOMETHING.
I pouted for a bit and worried about how I was going to tell Cleatus. I’m always losing things (such as my purse and my debit card and my will to give blowjobs) and he just rolls his eyes at me and mutters about RESPONSIBILITY, can I please GET SOME the next time I’m at the store? He’s a bastard, that Cleatus.
While I was stressing out over breaking the seventy-five dollar news to Cleatus I started trying to come up with excuses. Because that is what I do. I needed a GOOD REASON for why my keys were in the washing machine. A GOOD REASON that placed the blame elsewhere.
And that’s when it hit me.
I keep my car keys in my purse. I don’t wash my purse. Cleatus keeps his car keys in his POCKETS. I was his pockets. I thought back to who drove the van last and it was CLEATUS. I checked the dryer for the shorts he was wearing that day and THEY WERE IN THERE.
It was Cleatus’s fault. He broke my car keys. He was going to pay.
I couldn’t wait for him to wake up to break the happy news to him. I was beside myself with joy about this. HE MESSED UP! He NEVER does that! I was going to get to rub his face in his mistake and call him dumb and tease him about it for years and years! Oh, the happiness.
He finally woke up and I told him all about my poor, sad car keys and how it was going to cost seventy-five dollars to replace them and boo-hoo and OH, HAI, GUESS WHAT! YOUR FAULT! NOT MINE! NEENER NEENER NEENER!
Do you know what that little bastard said to me?
“Who washed the shorts without checking the pockets?”
Oh yes he did.
We’ve gone over this before and HE KNOWS that it is his job to EMPTY HIS DAMN POCKETS before he puts them in the dirty clothes. But he doesn’t do it. Ever. In fact, one pair of jeans sat in the bottom of the laundry basket for THREE MONTHS (I swear on my blog that I am not even exaggerating here) with a pen in the pocket and THE BELT STILL IN THE BELT LOOPS. It was only when he finally asked where the hell his other belt was that I pointed to those jeans and growled EMPTY THE MOTHERFUCKING POCKETS BEFORE I CUT YOU. True story.
So, yes, he tried to blame me. That is what he does. NOTHING is ever his fault. But, that’s okay. He’s right. It wasn’t his fault.
I AM irresponsible. I CAN’T be trusted. To prevent any future mishaps I should just NO LONGER DO HIS LAUNDRY.
Best seventy-five dollars I ever spent.
Strong and manly. Also, kind of dumb.
Katie-KD says:
It’s like reading a page from my own life!! Seriously Caspian ALWAYS dogs me about my “Jessica Simpson Moments” but the very rare times he messes up he always spins it on me….If he wasn’t so cute and didn’t make the money he woul be in trouble..but I am a sucker for cute-ness and money…damnit/
Katie-KD’s last blog post..CRAP: My Go-To Word
July 9th, 2008 at 10:11 am
feener says:
i didn’t expect that….those men are fuckers
feener’s last blog post..humpf
July 9th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Gina says:
Mr b and I have been having the same fight for 18 years. Even the Great Black Ink Pen Tragedy of 2006 didn’t help things.
We also have the fight over the food in the sink. He gets mad I take out the strainer when I clean it and it gets clogged when he throws food-y plates in it. I say you should scrape off the food before putting it in the damned sink because the strainer is meant to catch tiny pieces of food and not an entire baked potato.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Michelle says:
LMAO!!! ‘Nuff said.
Michelle’s last blog post..4th of July, Shadowbrook style!
July 9th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
I KNEW he was going to say that!!
My hubs does his own laundry. Always has, always will.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - Peek A Boo!
July 9th, 2008 at 11:25 am
noble pig says:
Are we related…you are so stinkin’ real, I love it.
noble pig’s last blog post..Something Different
July 9th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Auds at Barking Mad says:
My hubby learned the painful and expensive way to ALWAYS clean his pockets out before throwing them in the huge pile that becomes the Pile o’ Laundry Death…it got so bad that I made up a new rule that said anything in your pockets be default becomes mine because I do the laundry.
After our last trip to the UK hubby went to the bank to change his £175 into more than $300 USD’s! Gotta love the exchange rate nowdays…anyhow, he STUPIDLY left ALL THAT MONEY in his pocket which then went through the washer and dryer. While I was folding his Levi’s I noticed the wad in the pocket.
Let’s just say the girls and I had a freakin awesome “girls night out!”
Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..What’s Wrong With This Picture?
July 9th, 2008 at 11:47 am
ali says:
men are all the same, aren’t they?!?!?
ali’s last blog post..my appendix may be lost forever…and blogher
July 9th, 2008 at 11:52 am
This Mom says:
Oh hun… I seriously think you and I could be long lost twins… we are just that similar. And our husbands? Does Cleatus have a brother he doesn’t know about? I think I might be married to him. LOL
Boo laundry and boo to emptying pockets. Said crap should be removed from said pockets before said dumbass puts their clothes in the hamper. ’nuff said.
This Mom’s last blog post..What’s Happening in My Neck of the Woods
July 9th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Karrine says:
AHHH this is SO real . THANK YOU. More moms really need to fess up to what its really like in the loving ‘trenches’ of motherhood
Karrine
Karrine’s last blog post..Affiliate Parasites and why you need to know what they are
July 9th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Shannon says:
Oh girl! I am so with you on that one! Generally my hubby is righter than I am, mostly because he really is a helluva lot smarter than I am, But when it comes to cooking and laundry mama knows best and he’d better not challenge me if he knows what’s good for him! Luckily for him, he’s never put keys through the wash, but only because he’s always leaving them all over the house and can never find them in order to PUT THEM IN HIS DAMN POCKET!
Shannon’s last blog post..a few of my favourite things: hotel edition
July 9th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Lindsay says:
I refuse to empty pockets ever since I reached into a pair of my husband’s jeans and found a razor sharp cross-bow arrowhead. WTF?
Lindsay’s last blog post..Why I (Sometimes) Buy Canadian.
July 9th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
the planet of janet says:
aw, i KNEW he’d find a way to make it your fault. that trait is on the Y chromosome, ya know.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..For the Nikster, with love
July 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Miss says:
Girl… I totally knew exactly what he was going to say. Because I am you. Same exact thing happened to me. With keys. And a cell phone. On different occassions.
Miss’s last blog post..We got badges!
July 9th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Leslie says:
Boys are so dumb.
Dave’s not so great at emptying his pockets. But I live by the rule that I can keep what I find. Especially if it’s money.
Leslie’s last blog post..Time For Change
July 9th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
David King says:
I wonder if he feels the same sense of joy when you do something dumb. He IS happy an awful lot
bahaha
David King’s last blog post..Toys make everything feel better*
July 10th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Cris says:
My DAUGHTER has this problem. Her iPod went through the wash and the little witch insinuated it was MY fault for not checking her pockets first.
Cris’s last blog post..I’ve gone and moved
July 10th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Jerseygirl89 says:
Dude, I have put Hot Guy’s wallet, cell phone, keys and business cards through the laundry. On separate occasions. And he STILL forgets to empty his damn pockets and he STILL thinks the above incidents were MY fault.
It’s a good thing he’s good at fixing things.
Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..No, Ms. Martinez is NOT Available
July 10th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
baseballmom says:
Hahaaaaa! How funny. I’m with Auds up above, ANY money I find while doing laundry is MINE, consider it compensation for all of the times I have done laundry and not found any money. I’ve washed two cell phones, and last week Husband left a box knife-open-in his pocket…he learned not to do that, since it shredded his pocket and he STILL has to wear those pants, ’cause who was the dumbfuck who left it in there?!
baseballmom’s last blog post..Enough with the hotness
July 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Heidi says:
Been there, done that. I am in full agreement with you. No cleany the pockets, no washy the clothes. I washed my husband’s work cell phone and it took over three weeks to get him a new one. Think he learned his lesson? Not a chance in hell.
Heidi’s last blog post..it’s raining, it’s pouring
July 10th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Vicky says:
My husband knows better than to blame me. My FIL complained that MIL was ironing his pants wrong when they were first married and she hasn’t ironed a thing since. I threaten to do the same.
Vicky’s last blog post..Dinner Time Drama
July 11th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Diana says:
Karly, you are hysterical. I love your blog! I laugh out loud when I read what it. It’s like you’re me. Too damn funny!
Diana’s last blog post..Perfect measurements by some: 36-24-36
July 11th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
moosh in indy. says:
SNORT! Are you married to a lawyer too? Because this? Totally every day of my mother thumping life.
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..Gossip of the delicious kind.
July 12th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Michelle says:
Oh yes… this has happened to me. I was still a newlywed and as I had relocated to get married, still unemployed. So, I volunteered to wash my husbands uniforms (he’s in the Air Force). As I was transfering BDU’s to the dryer, what do I see? RED INK all over the sleeve of one of his shirts. I checked all the other uniforms and luckily the ink was contained to just that one shirt. I take the offending shirt and soak it in the tub and blot it and soak and blot… So I agonized for the rest of the day until my husband came home and I said “You must have left a pen in the pocket, but I got most of the ink out and since you roll your sleeves it won’t be that bad, really.” And he says to me “maybe you need to check my pockets before you do laundry”. I grew up in a house where you checked your own pockets before putting anything in the wash. It was LAW. So, clearly the fault had not been mine, right? So, I said, “maybe you need to do your own freaking laundry”. And you know what he does? Sends the stupid uniforms to the stupid drycleaners!!
July 12th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Loralee says:
I loved this post so freaking much I almost want to make out with it. I RELATE, I RELATE!!!!!
Loralee’s last blog post..Birthday wishes giveaway!
July 12th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I am totally on board with you taking responsibility by not doing his laundry any more.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Pieces of My Heart
July 13th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Cleatus says:
I know this is old, but I choose to respond now…
the comment about the you could have checked them came out of spite after incessant drilling into my head what a “L-O-S-E-R” I am. The constatn denial that came before that was in disbelief that I would empty my pockets of all other goodies (wallet, pen, notebook, money) and leave only the keys in there. That didn’t make sense.
Now to the giddy-ness of the $75 dollar screw-up I made???
Are you kidding me? Genuinely HAPPY that I made a mistake?? Problem now fixed…
$3.77 and 3 minutes of my time at Wal-Mart to replace the battery.
Anyway, this is not responded to out of anger by any means (it is a month later), I was just surfing her site and thought I would comment!
Love you honey!!!
August 15th, 2008 at 1:59 pm