I often think to myself that I should have married a farmer. We would live on the farm, raise our children there, grow old and die on our farm. And, of course, be buried on our farm as well. Obviously. Who needs those new-fangled cemetries that people are using these days anyway?
Can’t you just imagine me out in my garden? I’d be hoeing the vegetables. Or the dirt. I’m not really sure what one hoes. I just know that it is a critical process in growing a garden. I’d weed and I’d hoe and I’d pick vegetables. My husband would do things. With animals. And crops of stuff. I’d can the vegetables we’d grow. He’d chop up cows and put them in neat little packages in my freezer for me. My children would ride horses and play hopscotch and go fishing in the little pond out back.
Then I snap back to reality and realize that I hate gardening, my son is scared to death of horses, and my husband would probably leave dead animal parts all over the damn place.
And, besides, have you seen my garden lately? No? That’s because YOU CAN’T SEE IT FOR ALL THE WEEDS. I do have tons of tomatoes growing, but good luck finding ‘em! I have some jalepenos that are growing like crazy, but they are also turning black and I’ve never seen a black jalapeno at the grocery store, so I’m not gonna eat them. I have watermelon vines shooting out all over the place, but I’ve been told not to expect them to actually produce watermelons. Also, there are all these bugs in the dirt and I don’t like that.
It’s times like today that I realize I would be a total failure at country living.
You see, last night I must have gotten out of bed to go pee about five times. One time I didn’t think I was going to make it, and I’ll be honest here, a little bit dribbled out before I sat on the toilet. I’m not proud of it, but it happened.
I think that I peed so much last night that now I’m a bit dehydrated.
You can understand my frustration when I woke up this morning and realized that Cleatus drank the last of our sweet tea. Sweet tea that is not made by me, because I suck at making tea. Sweet tea that I have to buy at the store.
I was also saddened to discover that our last gallon of water was nearly empty.
It was a long, hot day and, damn it, I was thirsty. I’d been rationing the water and just taking sips here and there, because I REALLY did not want to go the store again today. I drank the last bit of water around eight o’clock tonight. About five minutes later I was dying of thirst.
I started thinking about how if I lived on a farm I’d be SO SCREWED all the time. What in the world would we DRINK? Milk straight from the cow? Would I resort to collecting rain water in a bucket and guzzling that down when I was thirsty? Oh, wait! Farms have running water! AND SO DOES MY HOUSE.
Funny how one can forget that THERE IS A FAUCET THAT SPILLS OUT WATER IF YOU TURN IT ON when one is used to drinking from a gallon jug.
I very nearly perished tonight, but luckily I remembered that we had water. It just wasn’t in my refrigerator yet. I even boiled some of it up and stuck a couple of tea bags in it. I MADE TEA. WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS. My mama would be so proud of me.
And I’ve decided to continue living in the city. God only knows what would happen to me out on a farm.
noble pig says:
Oh no, I’m afraid for you too! Stay in the city and wear overalls for fun.
noble pig’s last blog post..Anti-Climactic
July 11th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Kim says:
I actually posted a recipe for sweet tea. Go check it out! Farm living, that is what I am destined for. We live in the city for now but my hubs does things best saved for farm life. Lamb in the basement, butchering in the back yard. Neighbors looked at us funny for a while, but his southern accent seemed to reassure them, like oh, he’s expected to do that because he’s southern. LOL
http://imarriedacountryboy.wordpress.com/2008/06/15/sweet-nothings-and-sweet-tea/
Kim’s last blog post..Quit Crying Over Spilt Milk
July 11th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Jerseygirl89 says:
My in-laws live on a farm, though they no longer keep animals now that both of their sons have fled (to the city) and they can’t handle the animals. But still. Sometimes in the winter, because of the dirt road they live on, they are stuck in the house for weeks. Sometimes they run out of water and have to go haul more. They cannot get internet service. No internet.
No thanks.
Jerseygirl89’s last blog post..No, Ms. Martinez is NOT Available
July 11th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
You’ve made the right decision. I’m pretty sure.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Wife Swap
July 11th, 2008 at 8:11 am
ali says:
hahaha…you can’t see mine either. WEEDS. holy crap…the weeds!
ali’s last blog post..please come and sell me chocolate. i will buy a dozen.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Katie-KD says:
I grew Rhubard this year. Ijust ignored it and it grew. Like 5lbs worth. That is the kind of farm you need. Rhubarb. Plus it sells for like $3 a pound!
Katie-KD’s last blog post..“We can’t go there! That place is for MEN.”
July 11th, 2008 at 9:36 am
that girl says:
I know — I totally want to sew, garden, cook — but then I recall this place called the mall where you can buy all that crap and I go there instead!
that girl’s last blog post..Ginormous Leap of Faith
July 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Leslie says:
I live on a farm - a cat farm. (Ha! That was a joke.) You can always come visit me when you get a hankerin’ for country living!
Leslie’s last blog post..This Is Called “Attitude”
July 11th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
the planet of janet says:
*snort* some of us were not meant for country living, hon.
i count myself among them.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Haiku Friday: Happy birthday to my baby
July 11th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Your Mama says:
I am very proud of you and not just because you made your own sweet tea. Love ya!
July 11th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Auds at Barking Mad says:
I have succesfully grown tulips this year, but my best crop by far…are you ready for this? Weeds. Mine are very hardy and I dare anyone to try and compete with mine crab grass, dandilions, four-o’clocks and other assorted crap that’s clogging that I think used to be my front garden.
Perhaps if I got myself a cow he’d eat the weeds? Is that how it works?
Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..Let’s Play a Game!
July 11th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Zephra says:
But what does that have to do with you peeing a lot last night?
July 12th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
nan says:
Buried on the farm? I have often thought of burying my husband out there at our place, but my friends have advised me against it. Get the body off the property, they say. I just figured it would be so cool if chickens could crap all over his grave, ya know? And I could grow pumpkins on him. Nobody would ever know, either! “He’s gone fishing!” I would say. Haha!
nan’s last blog post..“Don’t Hate Us Because We’re Beautiful…”
July 13th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
carol says:
I too often what to live “the simple life” until I think how complicated it would really be. To get that milk you have to milk that cow–ugh.
carol’s last blog post..Parenting Semi-Adults: Debit Cards
July 14th, 2008 at 9:25 pm