I feel like I should post SOMETHING already, but I just don’t know what.
I could tell you about how the Long John Silver’s commercial for their new flatbread sandwiches makes me shudder in disgust. I don’t really know why, but those things are WRONG. I guess I just prefer my greasy deep fried chicken planks to be smothered in ketchup and eaten with a fork. I don’t need them dressed up with lettuce and bacon and some weird red sauce. Also? Where would they put the crunchies?
I could also tell you about how neurotic I am. Every time I get in my bed I have to pull all the blankets and pillows off and put them in a special place on the floor. How do I determine the special spot on my floor? I look around and ask myself these questions: Do you see any bugs? Could bugs be hiding anywhere nearby just waiting to crawl in my blankets? If the answer to both questions is no, then I’ve found my special spot. Then I grab my pillows (three of them, because I am a PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS) and shake them out and then peer worriedly into the dark pillow cases to make sure I don’t see anything moving. I then shake the hell out of the sheet before I put it on the bed, and finally I shake the comforter and lay it over the sheet. And then I usually do one last (quick!) check under the sheet just to be sure some sneaky little fucker didn’t crawl in there while I was busy with the comforter. I don’t just do this before bed. I do this before I get BACK in to bed after a quick midnight pee. I do this after getting out of bed and going into my children’s bedroom to yell at them to QUIT THE FUCKING ARGUING ABOUT WHO GETS TO SLEEP ON THE TOP BUNK AND WHO HAS TO SLEEP ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OR YOU WILL BOTH BE SLEEPING IN THE GOD DAMNED STREET. (We recently got the kids bunk beds and they are now sharing a room! It’s going GREAT!) I do the bug check after I get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water. Our bedroom isn’t even infested with bugs or anything. Its just that there COULD BE a bug in my bed and THAT WOULD BE BAD. I think the earwigs traumatized me last year. Oh, and Cleatus LOVES it when he is sleeping peacefully and I bark “BUG CHECK!” and start flinging the blankets around and jerking his pillow out from under his (big and heavy) head. I have also been known to stop Cleatus in the middle of sex and urgently whisper “We forgot to do a bug check!” It takes all the willpower I have not to push him off of me and shake out the pillows and blankets.
Another thing I could tell you about is the cereal I bought at the grocery store today. Barbie cereal. Cindy-Lu snatched it off a shelf and, in an awe-struck voice, whispered “Princess cereal!” There was no way I could turn her down after that, so I didn’t even look at the price tag because I knew it was probably twice the price of the generic “Flaked Corn and Sugar!” box that I usually buy the poor kids. I then had to let Eeyore pick out a box as well, and I bet I spent ten dollars on cereal today. I also bet that I will be going back in a few days to buy more. Those kids eat a lot of cereal.
I could also tell you that when I eat raw celery my ankles always start itching like mad.
Or I could tell you how cotton balls make me want to DIE. I can not touch them. And I most certainly can not LISTEN to them. I can’t even open new Tylenol bottles for fear of a wad of cotton lurking under the cap.
If you wanted I could tell you about the slightly embarassing thing I do when I kill bugs. Normally I would just yell “CLEATUS! BUG! IT’S A BIG ONE!” (I say it’s big even when it’s not, because I think that will make him move a little faster. It usually doesn’t work.), but Cleatus works a lot so sometimes I am forced to kill the little bastards myself. I noticed recently that whenever I squish one I do this weird grunt thing and jab my index finger in it’s general direction like WHO’S THE BOSS NOW, BITCH? I’m pretty sure that, subconsciously, I’m doing that so that if any other bugs are lurking nearby they know not to mess with me. I’m sure it works, too.
But, like I said, I don’t really know WHAT to post about, so I’ll just call it quits for today and maybe something exciting will happen tomorrow.
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I nominate you for mommyblogger most in need of therapy because of your obvious and severe bedroom bug phobia.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..It’s True - The Turdlet Doesn’t Fall Far From the Ass
August 7th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Suzi says:
The scardiness of bugs I totally get, but cotton ball phobia? You are a mess, woman.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Texan Mama says:
I had a friend in HS who also hated cotton balls. When I didn’t understand she said, “Picture this. Bite a cotton ball with your front teeth. Then pull the cotton ball out, like pulling gum out from your teeth.” Kinda gives ya the sensation of nails on the chalkboard, doesn’t it???
Texan Mama’s last blog post..The Writing is On The Wall
August 7th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
David King says:
im the same SAME SAME way about cotton balls. I actually buy a certain brand of tylenol that comes with a plastic piece instead of cotton
David King’s last blog post..Memories
August 8th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Theresa says:
I swear my post today is the antithesis to yours. giggle
Theresa’s last blog post..Etc etc etc
August 8th, 2008 at 4:10 am
KD @ A Bit Squirrelly says:
This post is exactlly why I *heart* your blog. You make me feel likemy neurosis is normal. Everyone has them.
KD @ A Bit Squirrelly’s last blog post..Can You Have A Six-Pack With Stretch Marks?
August 8th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Jill (CDJ) says:
Cotton balls! Did you hear about the horrible Maury Povich show where he terrorized a woman with an, um, sorry, irrational, fear of cotton balls by having to guys dress up in costumes coverd in cotton balls and chase her around the studio! For realz! I read about it on the internet, so it must be true. And way-ass cruel too!
Jill (CDJ)’s last blog post..Doncha wish your birthday was as cool as mine?
August 8th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
Wow. You make me feel (nearly) — normal. The Bug Check is simply stunning. (I would be divorced. Cleatus is a saint.)
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Dear Delta Airlines
August 8th, 2008 at 8:21 am
David King says:
I don’t think I’ve ever tried touching velvet. I think it’s because I’m too poor?
David King’s last blog post..Memories
August 8th, 2008 at 8:33 am
samcy says:
Hahahahaha, this has put a smile on my dile today - I needed it - thanks!
samcy’s last blog post..This is how I feel right now…
August 8th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Chelle says:
I wish I was half as entertaining as you are when I “have nothing to write about”. You crack me up.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Shannon says:
God, my kids are about to start with the bunk bed. They’ve been sharing a room for a long time already, but the bunk bed will be new. Luckily the bunks will be determined by the fact that one of the two of them would climb to the top and promptly launch himself off into broken-legville. He will be relegated to the bottom.
And while I’ve never done a full blown bug check like you are describing, it actually sounds totally reasonable to me. There COULD be bugs in there. That’s where the hubby would roll his eyes at me.
Shannon’s last blog post..the motherguilt birthday cake
August 8th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Nicole says:
LOL Delurking to say that the thought of stopping during sex to worriedly exclaim “we forgot to do a bug check” cracked me right the hell up, Thanks!
Nicole’s last blog post..Hey at least it wasn’t Yo Gabba Gabba
August 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Kristin says:
God woman you are cracked up. Bug check?
He he.
Thanks for making me smile. I REALLY needed it.
Kristin’s last blog post..Something to talk about
August 8th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Elle says:
OMG you’d never survive summer in N.O. When I was about twelve, going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I stepped on a Cadillac-sized cockroach. Barefoot. I still remember the sickening squish crunch. But I survived, and while I have never gotten blase enough to recreate that feat, I will take a giant wad of TP and squish/suffocate a bug.
Elle’s last blog post..Portrait of a Mad Woman On Hold With ISP
August 8th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
noble pig says:
Yeah, that is a lot of stuff! I have a special spot on my floor too.
noble pig’s last blog post..Red, White and Drunk All Over
August 8th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Sunshine/Melody says:
You had me at ‘Bug check’
I think I am no officially in love with you - and not just becuase you made me realize that I’m not as batsh*t crazy as i thought I was…
This was an awesome post…
Sunshine/Melody’s last blog post..Oh, The Google searches I’m going to get…
August 8th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Sunshine/Melody says:
I meant to say NOW officially in love - oops!!
Oh, and The Blogess has lots of neuroses in her latest post - this one reminded me of that…
Sunshine/Melody’s last blog post..Oh, The Google searches I’m going to get…
August 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Auds says:
Karly…I just want you to know that I probably wont sleep now, for oh, THE REST OF MY FREAKING LIFE!
My ears are itching and I’m quite certain there’s something crawling in it.
I don’t do bugs…I don’t care if it’s so much as a ladybug, GET IT OUT!
Oh and I don’t know if you’ve noticed lately, but take a look at my blog…a few posts down, that thing is called a nurse spider and we gave that motherfucker a Viking funeral last week! And all her little demon spawn too!
Auds’s last blog post..It’s Funny Because it Didn’t Happen to Me
August 8th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Lani ~ The Wooden Porch says:
OK, you officially are a CRACK UP! I fear bugs in my bed too, but I try not to think about them. The other day I went outside for about 10 minutes. I had just washed my hair and twisted it up. About 30 minutes later I realized that something was stuck in my hair. It was a JAPANESE BEETLE. It had flown in and gotten stuck. I made my brother-in-law kill it.
Lani ~ The Wooden Porch’s last blog post..The Fresh Smell of Sun Dried Clothing
August 8th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Kelley says:
I am going to make my husband read this so he will realise how much more awesome I am. Like that is even possible.
DAY-UM woman!
Kelley’s last blog post..Where my lasers at?
August 9th, 2008 at 5:36 am
Zephra says:
And I thought I had issues….
August 9th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Leslie says:
When I kill bugs, sometimes I’ll let the squishy guts lay for a for a few minutes, so the other bugs will see it and run away in fear.
Also, crunchies are absolutely the best thing about LJS.
Leslie’s last blog post..Julia And Lola
August 10th, 2008 at 8:34 am
NTE says:
Thank the lord that somebody understands about the cotton balls: they are horrid! There’s this weird, crunchy, fibrous… ickyness about them. My family torments me by making sure to wait to open medicine bottles until I am paying attention to them. The texture, the shoes-crunching-in-new-snow- sound of them? Totally creeps me out.
That said, I’m not afraid of it (I will not run and hide like the lady on Maury, apparently): I just don’t LIKE it.
NTE’s last blog post..Dear Boston -
August 10th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Loralee says:
Dear god, I will not be able to sleep for the rest of my life now!
GAH!
Loralee’s last blog post..Sideblog:WTF?
August 10th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Carrie says:
How am I ever going to go to bed tonight? I’m scarred for life, and it didn’t even happen to me.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Nan says:
Trinidad is home to the BIGGEST COCKROACH IN THE WORLD. I once dropped a brick on one, and it kept walking. Dragging the brick. I ran screaming.
Nans last blog post..Adventure!
August 13th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
AlexM says:
Your blog is interesting!
Keep up the good work!
AlexMs last blog post..Going Mobile on the Orient Express
August 16th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Jaime says:
UGGHHHHHHHHHHHH COTTON BALLS!!!!! I have cold chills running down my spine now! that “sqeauuuuuk” sound…COLD CHILLS!!!! Whenever Im at the salon getting my nails or hair did I CRINGE when they break out that big box of rolled up cotton!!!!!!!!!!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:03 am