I started this blog with the intention of it being a place full of happiness. And love. And rainbows and puppies and sunshine. Two minutes later I remembered that I was married to Cleatus and that there were going to be times that I would need to spew HATRED and RAGE all over the internet to keep from murdering him. Like today.
Cleatus is a very busy guy. He works ALL THE TIME. Which is nice, because OVERTIME! But also not so nice, because NO TIME TO DO THE THINGS I TELL HIM TO DO! Things like replacing my left front blinker that went out FOUR MOTHERHUMPING MONTHS AGO.
I told Cleatus that the blinker was out and he promised to get right on it. A few weeks went by and I reminded him again. Lather, rinse, repeat for about two months. I finally reminded him that we would be leaving for vacation and driving over one thousand miles and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE he could get that blinker fixed before we left. He promised me that he would get it done. He was out in the driveway at about 9pm the night before we left trying to replace the blinker, but he couldn’t get it to work. By that time it was too late to ask someone for help or to go to the auto store for a different part or whatever it is that he needed to do to get my damn blinker blinking. We went on vacation with no left blinker.
About a month ago not only was my blinker STILL not working, but that same headlight also stopped working. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I whined, and most of all I YELLED. He still wasn’t anywhere closer to getting my van fixed.
But then I had an epiphany. If I wanted Cleatus to fix something that was inconveniencing ME then I needed to flip it around so that it was instead inconveniencing HIM. I don’t know why it took eight years of marriage, four months of left turns with no signal, and two months of being a padiddle, but I had finally figured it out.
This past Saturday Cleatus was working nights, from 6pm until 6am. I was going to my parents’ house to celebrate my brother’s birthday and probably wouldn’t get home until dark. I woke Cleatus up around 3pm and told him that I was going to take HIS car to my parents’ and that he was going to take MY van to work since he wouldn’t be driving around after dark and I would. Genius, no?
Fast forward two hours and I was at my parents’ house and glanced at the clock. It was nearly 5pm and I reminded myself to call Cleatus and make sure he was getting out of bed to get to work. (Yes, I am his mother. I also wipe his butt for him.) It reminded me of my brilliant plan and so I mentioned to my family that OH HEY, I’M SO SMART! CLEATUS HAS TO DRIVE THE LOSER CRUISER TO WORK TONIGHT! BET HE FIXES MY HEADLIGHT WITHIN A WEEK! Everyone agreed that I am an evil genius and we went about doing whatever we were doing.
At 5pm I picked up the phone and called Cleatus. The conversation went like this:
Me: Good morning! You awake?
Him: Yep! I’m at the auto parts store!
Me, loudly so the whole room can hear: OH, YOU’RE AT THE AUTO STORE?
Him: Yeah, I’m trying to find the part to fix your headlight.
Me: REAAAAAAALY?
Him: What’s so funny? Why is everyone laughing?
Me: Oh, um, the kids are being silly.
That fucker woke up early (SOMETHING HE NEVER EVER EVER DOES) and to fix my van all because he had to drive it to work ONE GOD DAMNED NIGHT. I’m sure that ten minute drive to work would have been HORRIBLE without a left blinker or headlight. And I should know! After all, I’d driven that way FOR FOUR MONTHS!
I laughed and laughed, because I totally called it. I knew he would get on the ball if I turned this into his problem instead of mine, but YOU KNOW WHAT? I’m pissed. I’m trying not to be pissed. BUT I CAN’T HELP IT.
You know what else is REALLY ANNOYING? I reminded him LAST NIGHT that he needed to get the oil changed in HIS car and DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID THIS MORNING? He got the fucking oil changed. LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER. My van could go over by nine million miles and he wouldn’t care, but HIS CAR? Oh no. Must change the oil! I suppose it is good that he got it done, but OH MY GOD I WILL KILL HIM.
And no, the blinker/headlight is still not working. Something about sockets and water and FUCK IF I KNOW. I’m moving the car seats and crumbs from my van to his car until it’s fixed. That’ll learn him.
Jill (CDJ) says:
This is my husband to a T! I finally stopped waiting for him to do anything and now I do everything for myself. Because I can remember more than 2 things at a time and he can’t, so why put myself through the trauma. It’s very freeing and empowering!
p.s. Love the new site design!
Jill (CDJ)’s last blog post..“Dude, What’s The Stank in My Car?” The Contest
August 11th, 2008 at 11:54 am
A Mom Anonymous says:
MUST. TRY. THIS. TACTIC. IMMEDIATELY!
A Mom Anonymous’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday!
August 11th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
Oh don’t I hear this! We have seperate bathroom sink/counter tops. The light bar above mine has 8 lights. The wiring is messed up and one by one they’ve gone out. I’m down to one (sometimes a second one comes on for a bit). All of his work fine. He won’t fix mine. And you can bet your sweet ass if his lights didn’t work - there’d be an electrician in my bathroom instantly.
And that is only ONE example of my “fix time to person inconvenienced” raio.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Shark Goes To Work
August 11th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Kristin says:
It’s something to do with the Y chromosome, I betcha. I get SO TIRED of taking care of EVERYTHING myself (like calling in refills of his prescriptions so that HE doesn’t DIE). ugh.
Kristin’s last blog post..Non-Sequitor Sunday
August 11th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Melizzard says:
I’m thinking it’s time you drove over to Mr GoodYear and just took the money out of the boys beer budget.
Melizzard’s last blog post.."Open Wide," said the Wizard.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
ali says:
oh hai!
your site looks AWESOME!
ali’s last blog post..a story of my first time. and my last time.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
MommyCosm says:
First of all, love the new design.
On to business:
Um, welcome to the dark side, my dear. If you want to get what you want, you need realize that you are trying to communicate reasonably with a MAN. (For the record, I’m not a man basher, just a realist, *love* men.)
*ahem* Stop asking for what you need…clearly, THAT never works. Figure out what motivates him, different for each man, and voila, you’re IN.
It’s only quasi evil, btw. Who cares as long as you’re getting what you need, right?!
MommyCosm’s last blog post..Santa Cam Scam
August 11th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Mrs. Schmitty says:
Padiddle? OMG I am laughing so hard, I haven’t heard that is years!!
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..What Happened Here?
August 11th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Sissy says:
along with the “never take out the trash, not even once, or he will always expect it” piece of advice, my husband’s own mother told me if I needed something taken care of, make it his problem and it will be done. the two most useful things I’ve ever learned
great post!
Sissy’s last blog post..Demise of The Tattoo
August 11th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
citystreams says:
I laughed SO LOUD and SO HARD reading this. In fact, I was laughing so loud that Hubs couldn’t hear Seinfeld on TV so he turned the volume up and I laughed a little louder. Too funny!
citystreams’s last blog post..Hot Pink Tosies
August 11th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Texan Mama says:
Oh now don’t you feel a ton smarter? That moment when clarity happens… and stuff gets done around the house… (cue sound of angels singing “alleluia! alleluia!”) The way I get stuff done is I give my hubs a deadline: one week, one month, one day, whatever. Then I tell him I am going to hire a handyman to do it. I think his man-side kicks in. He can’t stand the thought of another man doing his work, and having to pay for it to boot.
And, did it never cross your mind to say, “Not tonight hon. My left blinker isn’t working.”?
Texan Mama’s last blog post..The Writing is On The Wall
August 11th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Carrie says:
I feel your pain.
Right now, I’m working on getting as many plants as possible on my kitchen windowsill so that my husband will finally get me the garden window I’ve wanted for years!
August 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
Genius! Daren is SO the same and I have a huge dilemma right now. We are moving to an apartment in 2 weeks (for 3 months while the new house gets built). We can’t bring the dog. For two weeks, I’ve been asking Daren to call his dog-loving aunt to ask if she’ll take the dog for 3 months. EVERY EFFING DAY I ask him. If she says no, I have to figure out something else. I’m freaking out. How do I switch this around???? You are my only hope. No pressure.
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Here From Her Bad Mother?
August 11th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Gretchen says:
I second whoever suggested “Fix it by Friday or I’m going to the repair shop and it’s coming out of your beer budget.”
I have also, on one occasion, told my husband that if he ever did that again, I was going to call his mother and let him explain to HER why it was okay to leave an open bottle of Tylenol where the toddler could reach it. Since she thinks the granddaughter walks on water, she would have teleported out her to firmly implant her motherly foot up his ass, and he knows it.
Problem solved.
Gretchen’s last blog post..Kylie-Ann!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Shannon says:
Just wanted to say I like the pretty new theme!
Shannon’s last blog post..Not That It Happened to Me Monday: The Frog Pond Edition
August 11th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Petra aka The Wise (*Young*) Mommy says:
Oh sista, I can relate because my husband would never get ANYTHING done unless I reminded him 62 times and finally threatened to cut off sex for a month. Everything else is more important, and if it goes too long and I get in real trouble with it, it’s MY fault for not reminding (a.k.a. nagging) him enough. I do not like being a naggy wife, but he forces me into this title. Argh.
By the way, I want to send you some blog love by adding you to my blogroll. I love your writing!
Petra aka The Wise (*Young*) Mommy’s last blog post..Someecards Meme–So Funny!
August 11th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Leslie says:
It’s a man thing.
Stupid men.
Love your new theme!
Leslie’s last blog post..New And Improved! With Eyebrows!
August 11th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
that girl says:
when he’s done I have some stuff for him to do at my house…
that girl’s last blog post..Win a $20 Amazon Gift Certificate. You’re Welcome.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:41 am
sam (temptingmama) says:
Hahahaha! That’s so something Mike would do.
I’ve resorted to going and paying someone to fix it instead.
I tell him once and he doesn’t do anything? I get someone to fix it for me. I’m so sick of waiting and begging (which is interpreted as nagging).
sam (temptingmama)’s last blog post..Sold!
August 12th, 2008 at 6:26 am
sam (temptingmama) says:
By the way, you’re site looks great!!
sam (temptingmama)’s last blog post..Summer Lovin’: We’re Having a Giveway!
August 12th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Lindsay says:
My tactic is to try to do it myself, knowing that I will royally screw it up and my husband will immediately start fixing my mistakes all the while cursing me.
Lindsay’s last blog post..Emergency
August 12th, 2008 at 7:52 am
noble pig says:
Hilarious!
And I love the new look around here! Nice one.
noble pig’s last blog post..A Tiny Addiction
August 12th, 2008 at 10:19 am
David King says:
He fixed it the first time he drove but how long did you drive it without fixing it?? Ohhhh….
An infinite book of knowledge known as the internet and you have to wait until your husband drives it ^_^
David King’s last blog post..Random conversations I overhear at work
August 12th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
David King says:
And yes I’m siding with Cleatus on this one
accept it
David King’s last blog post..Random conversations I overhear at work
August 12th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
Now see, I’d just cut it off, if you know what I mean? Not getting laid for 4 months will do something to a man.
And yeah, I may drive it, but watch how that logic gets thrown around or it could be applied all the way around.
Wha? You don’t have any clean underwear or clothes? Well, *I* didn’t wear them.
Wha? You’re hungry? Well, you’ll have to go to the store to get your *own* food. *I* went and got this here, so don’t touch!
Wha? You got your own food and now want a meal? *I* didn’t get it so I don’t have to cook it.
We women could go on for days with lists like this.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..Where Champagne Replaces My Morning Coffee
August 12th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Zephra says:
See, now you are learning. You got to use psychological warfare with the husband. You have to make them think it was their idea all along…sort of like a 3 year old.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
David King says:
Heather I have a list too
Porn
Drive Thru laundry
Ruby Tuesday
Give me as many lists as you’d like
oh and accept it
David King’s last blog post..Random conversations I overhear at work
August 13th, 2008 at 5:42 am
And this is why I don’t Haiku. | Wiping Up Snot says:
[...] my blinker [...]
August 13th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Nan says:
Have you tried slamming a few doors? At least you HAVE a car. If I don’t have a car of my own by September 2nd, My kids will not be going to school.
Nans last blog post..Adventure!
August 13th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Gala says:
Um…huh…yeah…we have the same problem w/our minivan light.
The estimate from the Plymouth dealer to fix that dang thing $200.
The “ACTUAL” COST to have my uncle who is the parts manager for a major car dealer in Freeport fix it…
10 minutes and $44.20 later….
We had the SAME EXACT PROBLEM!!!
August 13th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Kimberly says:
Brilliant!!! I’m filing this away for the next time I need something done around here!
Kimberlys last blog post..Non-Structurally Challenged
August 13th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
samcy says:
Hahahahahahah!
You just described my marriage - except I am the one who never has time and my hubby is the one who has to play evil kanevil to get things done
samcys last blog post..This is how I feel right now…
August 14th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Theresa says:
HAHAHAHAHA! How funny! Men honestly live in their own world. Last night I told hubby that I hadn’t cooked dinner cuz I was busy doing everything else. He replied ”OK, I’ll make myself some sandwiches”
”Great” said me. ”I’ll just eat air then. But what about YOUR brother and his girlfriend who you invited over for dinner????”
Idiots!
Theresas last blog post..Feng Shui for luuuurve
August 14th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Sarah@The Zoo says:
I would laugh until I peed but I think you and I might have married twins who were seperated at birth!
Sarah@The Zoos last blog post..Mom Tip #39
August 16th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Jaime says:
HAHA BRILLIANT!!! I need to remember that! Although..mine is lazy enough that it wouldnt work. Ill let ya know!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Filled With The Christmas Spirit | Wiping Up Snot says:
[...] I should remind you of the story of my blinker. Long story short, back in April or March my left blinker went out and Cleatus HAS STILL NOT FIXED [...]
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Patrick says:
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:52 pm