I sometimes envy you people with husbands that work nine to five, Monday through Friday. Cleatus works from seven at night til seven in the morning. His schedule rotates with three days on, two off, three off, two on, blah blah blah, I generally just rely on him to tell me when he is off because I can’t keep track of it. The days that he works we really only see each other for an hour or two and part of that time is spent with him getting ready for work. He works more overtime than one would think possible. A couple of weeks ago he worked ninety-six hours in just seven days. Some days he is at work for twenty or more hours at a time.
What I am saying is that my husband? Isn’t around much. I don’t see him all that often. I miss him sometimes. Sometimes I resent him. He gets to GO AWAY without the EVIL SPAWN. He gets to interact with PEOPLE that can pour their own chocolate milk and TIE THEIR OWN SHOES. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he goes to work and takes naps and eats chocolate and gets blow jobs while I, on the other hand, am at home slaving away, cooking dinner, sweeping floors, wiping noses, and RAISING HIS CHILDREN.
Then he has a three day weekend and he’s home the whole time and I start wondering when he will GO BACK TO WORK, JESUS GOD, NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW? He gets all up in my shit and I just want my normal routine back! Why should I have to COOK HIM LUNCH? Is he JUDGING ME for not showering until three in the afternoon? Is he keeping track of how much time I’ve wasted on the internet this morning? Gah! Go back to work already!
Praying that I just leave him alone.
Obviously, I am a pleasure and a joy to be married to.
Surely I am not the only wife who gets irritated that her husband isn’t spending enough time at home and then gets irritated because he’s been home for seventy-two straight hours and OH MY GOD, you want ANOTHER* blow job?
You all do that too, right? RIGHT?
*By “another” I mean “in addition to that one I gave you a few years ago.”
Karen Sugarpants says:
Oh holy hell, yes. Totally.
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..I Feel Like Crap and You’re Getting a Stuffed Chicken
December 14th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Julia says:
Wow. This could have been me writing this! My husband works for a roofing company and his hours are always different, but they’re usually 10 hour days at LEAST. Sometimes he goes out of town for the entire week and I’m stuck here alone with my 3 year old and 1 year old. I miss him terribly and crave an ADULT CONVERSATION.. but then he gets home? And I’m like, is it Monday yet?
Oh, and right now I’m mad because he’s off doing something with his friends YET AGAIN, but next week when his company lays him off and he’s home with me for weeks on end? I’ll be FORCING him to get out of the house and do something, ANYTHING, JUST LEAVE!
December 14th, 2008 at 11:36 am
feener says:
i am simply going to say – i like this post
feeners last blog post..Let’s talk about …
December 14th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Christina says:
Uhm… Did I blog in my sleep last night? How did it post over here instead of at my own site? I’m confused….
My husband’s an OTR truck driver. I SO feel your pain. 5 minutes after he leaves I miss him and also envy him for being out there in the world with people over 3 foot tall. And 5 minutes after he gets home and slings his crap everywhere I’m asking “So when are you leaving again?” And why are spaghettios and pizza good enough for us but not him??
Christinas last blog post..My Knitting Victories!
December 14th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
the planet of janet says:
i have NO idea what you’re talking about.
that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Mrs. Schmitty says:
Good God woman…how do handle him not being around so much? If not for only taking the kiddos off your hands for a while.
Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..If He Only Knew What He Said
December 14th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Gina says:
I totally do that. I work from home two days a week and recently, he wasn’t feeling well and was contemplating staying home on one of those days, and instead of giving a shit about his (man)illness, all I could think was, “oh please god, NOOOOOOO”
I also like to bitch about him not doing enough stuff with us, but then when he does I think wistfully about the the last museum/zoo/park visit, where I only had two whiny shits to contend with and not three.
Ginas last blog post..Photo Meme
December 14th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Ashlie- Mommycosm says:
My husband works 24/7. When he’s not working, he’s a frickin boy scout helping out the world.
Case in point, we have been without power since the wee hours of FRIDAY and he’s off and running helping the neighbors hook up generators, b/c apparently he is the only man on the street with knowledge of how to do this without killing himself…he’s only had to go to the ER once for electric shock.
Part of the reason why I loved him, but often I’m the LAST on his list. Then? When he finally does put me first, I’m like “Dude, would you just go away already?!” Yeah, it’s what makes our marriage work, most of the time. You’re totally not alone in this.
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Holiday Hoopla: giving away Jump Start 3D Virtual World
December 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:
Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.
All of it.
Yes.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..Perhaps I Let Him Watch too much Television
December 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Jill (CDJ) says:
I’m with you, only my husband isn’t really gone that often. We both work from home and as much as you miss Cleatus, I am here to tell you there is such a thing as too much togetherness. There are times when I am praying for a three day business trip to appear on his schedule. And I have to tell you, almost every other married woman I know feels the same way. You wish they’d be around more to help and so you have another adult to talk to, but when they actually are the just totally mess shit up! That must be what “Can’t live with em. Can’t live without em.” refers to. lol
Jill (CDJ)s last blog post..I’m the color of baby poo? That’s not cool!
December 14th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Zephra says:
Story of my life.
Zephras last blog post..
December 14th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Nan says:
I’ve stopped missing mine. Sad but true.
Nans last blog post..Dreaming Of A White Christmas????
December 14th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Cameron says:
What a selfish ass, that Cleatus. How dare he demand another blow job (in addition to the one several years ago). I’ll bet after about 36 hours, he starts to breathe funny that sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. And the shit he finds funny is so obviously not. The gal of that bastard. He probably fucks up the ass imprint on the couch, too. And I’ll bet her occasionally wants to watch a sporting event on tv when you just wanna watch a chick flick. Jerk!!! Course, he probably fixes shit and takes the garbage out when he gets home. And maybe he runs some errands and helps you take care of the kids, just a hair. You have yourself a great guy!!! Now suck it up and suck…..
Camerons last blog post..One Year…..This Blows
December 14th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
baseballmom says:
Oh yeah, I was totally thinking about the same thing the other day. Coach works from 7 am-10 pm every day…except that he’s OFF for the next two weeks. He was so dumbfounded when we all left for school and work last week, and he had nothing to entertain him all day and no one to cook for him-hello, you can vacuum if you’d like to, or do laundry, or dust, or etc. etc. etc.
baseballmoms last blog post..Sweet dreams…
December 14th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Vicky (Secret Mom Thoughts) says:
I totally understand. I told my husband to go out on Saturday with his friends just so I could surf the internet and watch my really bad shows on the DVR.
Vicky (Secret Mom Thoughts)s last blog post..Weekly Winners
December 14th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Janie says:
Mine’s been gone for three months and I miss him terribly.
That said, can he come see y’all after he’s home for the first day?
Janies last blog post..Hunting Pheasant and Chukkar in Santa Anna, Texas…and Pheasant Phighting Throwdown!!
December 15th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Mom-In-Scrubs says:
I’m on the opposite side of this: I am the one who is gone all the time. Fortunately for me hubby is THRILLED when I come home, probably ’cause I don’t get all up in his shit, and the kids stick to me like leeches and leave him alone. He’s always sad when I go, but I’m like…I need to get out of here for a day or two. Much longer and I’m missing them all terribly!
Mom-In-Scrubss last blog post..When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be Like This Guy
December 15th, 2008 at 12:18 am
billytamale says:
What the fuck did you think marriage and kids would do to your formerly utopian personal/sex life ?Drink some booze and throw some shoes !
December 15th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Aliceson says:
I am so sick of the afternoon blow job. “Quick, while the kids are sleeping.” Yeah, my house looks like a bomb went off, but a blow job is much more important. I get nothing done when my husband is home from work.
Great Post!
Alicesons last blog post..Why Are Christmas Parties Still In The Budget?
December 15th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Candy says:
Finally some honesty about blow jobs in the bloggerhood. And other things too!
My husband was away Thursday to Sunday and when he got home, it wasn’t an hour before I was hoping he’d just go to bed already! Tired of hearing about all your fun! Go!
Candys last blog post..In Which I Ponder My Latest Dilemma
December 15th, 2008 at 10:07 am
kd@abitsquirrelly says:
My hubby works a lot too. But he was on vacation last week and by day three I was ready for him to go back to work. He messes with my mojo when he is home. I know, I am a terrible wife.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
An Iowa Mom says:
Yup. Exactly. Same deal here.
Only Big Daddy gets a blow job every night he’s here.
You don’t do that?
I’m just kidding. Big Daddy just told me the other day that our anniversary is coming up and it will be 11 years … and he thinks that he’s due for a second one. I haven’t decided yet. Probably not.
An Iowa Moms last blog post..I Finally Got Invited!
December 15th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Cheryl in Sacramento says:
Yes! EXACTLY! Men are annoying and I miss the DumbGuy when he’s gone.
Although I guess I’m the lucky one because my husband decided every other Sunday that it is his house and I go get a massage.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Kelley says:
he he he
YES!
Unless he is cleaning the gutters. Cause then he is outside and out of my hair and doing something productive
December 15th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Texan Mama says:
Yes, do you also face the “Let’s do a quickie. I put a video on for the kids!” Um, have you ever heard of doing it AFTER THE SUN HAS GONE DOWN??? Apparently this does not occur to them. Texan Papa’s excuse is, “oh my stomach never feels right in the evening.” I don’t even want to tempt fate that we’ll be doing it and his back end will need to erupt,mid-coitus. No thanks.
Okay, TMI.
But, tie their own shoes? pour their own chocolate milk? I know someone who can do that… TEACHERS. I know you love homeschooling… i’m just sayin… They are wonderful for restoring sanity to a mother.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Petra says:
This totally happens to me too. My husband works long hours and spends a lot of time renovating our old as shit house that we will supposedly move into one day and the days that he is actually home, I am all discombobulated and can’t get my shit together.
But it’s OK. We are women. We are not supposed to be content. It’s the hormones.
Petras last blog post..The Highs and Lows and The Backseat of the Car
December 15th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
ali says:
you and i? twins. my husband works crazy hours and isn’t home a lot of the time. and i bitch and moan sometimes and envy my friends who have their husbands home for dinner every night. and then, my some strange miracle, he finds himself home and after 30 minutes, i’m all “and what was i bitching about? give me back my remote, impostor!”
December 16th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Auds at Barking Mad says:
Well this seals it. I am going to put together an entire list of things to keep the hubby busy over the 11 days he’s off during the holidays. Otherwise I’m going to go stark raving mad! And at this point, for me, that’s a very short trip!
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Santa Better Be Packin’ Midol and Merlot When He Shows Up!
December 16th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
I do it!
My husband has two four-day weekends coming up next week and the week after.
Send vodka. Please.
December 16th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Swistle says:
YES. While he’s at work, I resent having to be the only adult here. AS SOON AS HE GETS HOME, I think how much better it is when I’m the only adult here. Sigh.
December 18th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Sissy says:
Oh My Gawd! I know!!! My husband is home until Dec 27. All day, every day. I’m gonna put my hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him. I can dream, can’t I?
Sissys last blog post..3 Awards For Mama
December 19th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Rachel says:
Bwahahahahaa.
My hubs used to work nights and when he switched to ‘real’ hours, my head nearly exploded at the intrusion into our lives
Thanks for the giggles.
Rachels last blog post..PSF: Monkey and The Boots
December 19th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Leslie says:
Dave works a similar schedule. Midnight to noon; two days on, two days off; three days on, three days off. I have to write it on the calendar to know when he’ll be showing up.
And yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. TOTALLY.
Leslies last blog post..The Coolest Yule Ever Be
December 29th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Leslie says:
Dave works a similar schedule. Midnight to noon; two days on, two days off; three days on, three days off. I have to write it on the calendar to know when he’ll be showing up.
And yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. TOTALLY.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
Leslie says:
Damn. My comment posted twice. Fucking Internet Explorer. (I’m using it because Firefox and I had a fight.) Mother flippin internet.
Leslies last blog post..The Coolest Yule Ever Be
December 29th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
kristi says:
Gaaah and I thought my Hubs was the only one who felt “entitled” to more than one bj a year!
kristis last blog post..Little People Big World/ Jon and Kate Plus 8
February 24th, 2009 at 3:59 pm