You may remember about six months ago when I was bitching about Cindy-Lu’s brand new dresser falling apart after two days of use so I duct taped it together. (Okay, so chances are you DON’T remember that, but whatever.) Well, SURPRISE, that dresser has been held together with duct tape all this time. And by “held together” I mean one of the drawers was totally useless because the front part is completely seperate from the drawer part and the other drawer had a bottom that kept randomly falling out which would then cause me to have a seizure every time I attempted to open that drawer because the bottom part was halfway in the drawer beneath it so it wouldn’t open and JESUS CHRIST ON A PIECE OF TOAST, WHY HAVE I LIVED THAT WAY FOR SIX MONTHS?
Last night I had a dream that I superglued the dresser back together.
Today I tried to superglue the dresser back together.
Luckily for the dresser, I couldn’t find any damn superglue. All I could find was that stupid craft glue that I bought when I thought maybe I was crafty so I ran out and bought eight million dollars worth of crafty stuff and then decided that nope, not actually crafty and owning all the crafty supplies isn’t going to change that!
Craft glue actually holds pretty well. But, I didn’t stop there. I didn’t want to be in the same situation a week from now, so I decided to GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM. Why was the bottom continually falling out of the drawer? What was causing this? I had to find the answer if I wanted to correct the situation, and god damn it, I wanted to correct the situation.
It was Cleatus’s fault. Obviously. When he nailed the bottom part of the drawer into the drawer part of the drawer (huh?) he COMPLETELY MISSED. The nail went through the bottom part of the drawer and up into THIN AIR. The moron. You KNOW he had to see that when it happened. And did he fix it? No. Bastard.
So, I started looking for a hammer. All I could find was a stupid ball-peen hammer and the only reason I know it is called a ball-peen hammer is because Cleatus asked me to get it for him a couple of weeks ago and I said “what the hell is a ball-peen hammer?” and then he showed me. Ball-peen hammers, in case you are wondering, do not have the little grippy things for removing nails and I really needed the grippy thing to get the nail out because I couldn’t find any other nails to use.
I got a fork. It is totally similar to the grippy things on a hammer. But it didn’t work.
I got a knife and tried using the edge of it to pry up the nail. Didn’t work.
I got a bottle opener and, honestly, I’m not sure how I thought that was going to help, but I was going to give it a shot, but then I remembered seeing a pair of pliers laying around and I got those.
I was able to pry the nail up with the knife just enough to grip the nail head with the pliers and I got the nail out. Then I used the stupid hammer and hammered it into place.
So there you go. I am a home improvement guru. I glued it and I nailed it.
I’ll let y’all know how long it lasts.
And, now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hang some new cabinets in my kitchen. With my fork.
Texan Mama says:
Dude, where were YOU when Apollo 13 happened? You could have TOTALLY saved those guys. Who needs a bunch of engineers anyway?
Texan Mamas last blog post..Stuff I Don’t Get (SIDG) – Cycle 9
March 11th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Leslie says:
Ohmygod you are so funny. And awesome at fixing stuff.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Jeffary says:
Yes, your are a home improvement guru… There is no doubt after reading this.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:39 am
baseballmom says:
OMG, that looks suspiciously like T’s dresser that had a falling out bottom too…I had to nail like 4 nails below the falling out part because COACH had not put it together right. Stupid boys.
baseballmoms last blog post..BUMP ON A LOG
March 12th, 2009 at 1:15 am
Shannon says:
I am in awe.
If you have to glue it again at some point in the future you should try wood glue (from like Home Depot or something). That shit would the dresser together through the end of the freaking world. We have a bunch of crappy IKEA furniture that we can’t afford to replace at this point (dining table, chairs, coffee table, desk) and after a couple of years they were all wobbly and they felt like they would collapse, but the hubby took them apart and then put them together again adding some wood glue and HOLY CRAP those things are solid now. Highly recommend.
Shannons last blog post..Inquiring minds need to know…
March 12th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Rachel says:
We have owned dozens of dressers like this with the bottoms of the drawers falling out. Ours are not due to shoddy assembly, so much as CHEAP-ASS dressers which children overfill by about 60 lbs worth of unfolded clothing and other miscellaneous junk!
Great job on the fix, though. My mother always told me a woman can be home improvement guru with nothing but a butter knife and a high-heeled shoe.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Zephra says:
I give it 3 days…
Zephras last blog post..
March 12th, 2009 at 8:11 am
SCY says:
You go girl! However long it lasts will be great
SCYs last blog post..That sound you hear?
March 12th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Cameron says:
My favorite posts are the ones where you start calling Cleatus names like “moron” and “bastard”. I like em because either:
a) they’re true (which is funny), or
b) they’re not true (and you call him names to be funny….which is funny)
But mostly I just like to call people names myself.
Camerons last blog post..I’m Not Above Shameless Plugs
March 12th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Nan says:
Lordy, that is hiiilarious. I bet it stays put forever. Out of fear.
Nans last blog post..Don’t Panic!
March 12th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
kristi says:
LOL! That is why I have to supervise when my Hubs puts things together in case he does it wrong, I can tell him all about it!
kristis last blog post..Redneck pickup lines
March 12th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Stacey says:
Everyone has to let out their inner MacGyver once in awhile.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
kaylen says:
I am a huge fan of using forks in non-traditional roles. And I have done quite a lot of household fixes wth my butter knives as well. Make the most of what you have, right?
kaylens last blog post..Do You Love Tetris??
March 12th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Secret Mom Thoughts says:
Good for you. You should get your own home improvement show. How to fix anything with a butter knife maybe?
Secret Mom Thoughtss last blog post..Skywatch Friday and Friday 5
March 13th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy says:
Ty Pennington better watch out!
Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommys last blog post..My Sweet, Perfect Daughter…Kinda
March 13th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Elisabeth says:
Hey there! That totally sounds like my DIY prowess untill Russ bought me an ENTIRE home improvement store. Be careful what you ask for. Now he expects me to actually USE the tools????
March 13th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Michelle says:
I actually do remember the post about Cindy-Lu’s crappy new dresser (I also remember all the comments that told you to take it back! So why didn’t you?
) Clearly I need to get a life!
Michelles last blog post..Todays public service announcement…
March 13th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Carol VR says:
I kept imagining you wold post a video tutorial on the steps you’d taken…LOL
Carol VRs last blog post..Who’s Benny???
March 14th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Chris says:
With a fork?? Don’t use the fork! Use the pliers! Or.. a shoe. Yeah, shoes work good. And if you’re using screws, keep the knife handy.
BTW, just a little suggestion =D You should find some *ahem* WOOD glue and use that instead of tacky glue. And after you get it all glued together, put it somewhere with books or or heavy toys or… children sitting on it for a day or two. Let the glue set really good and that oughtta help your problem. If you choose to use the children, make sure you wrap them in diapers and towels or the pee will just ruin the glue and you’ll be back to square one. Plus it warps the wood.
March 15th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Chris says:
I forgot to say… I like the new colors. =D
Chriss last blog post..Novocaine For The Soul
March 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Jerseygirl89 says:
Can you come over? Lovebug’s dresser is falling apart too.
PS I know I’m not supposed to talk about this, but I am SO SAD I missed the vagina party.
Jerseygirl89s last blog post..Search Term Fun
March 16th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
April says:
I found you from a link from somoene else that I found on anothe blog site, blah, blah, blah. Because of your vagina post (yes, the post. not just your vag), I am adding you to my ultimate fave blogs list. And I just wrote a blog about deleting people from my blog list. Be honored!
I’m making it my official project this week to read all your blogs. I work for the federal gov’t, so I should have plenty of time!
Aprils last blog post..And the Award goes to… ME!
March 16th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
patois says:
I’ve got a leaking toilet. Could you come craft glue it for me?
patoiss last blog post..As if More Proof Were Needed: I’m an Idiot
March 17th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Auds at Barking Mad says:
That settles it…I’m going to run out and get myself a ball peen hammer although neither the hubby or I have any friggin clue what the hell we’re going to use it for. As a matter of fact, I don’t think British people even have ball peen hammers over there. I’ve never heard the hubby mention it anyhow. Who knows…they could call them tallywhackers for all I know. As a rule, if it’s seen or used on This Old House, I probably don’t know what the hell it is, or own it.
BTW, I have a busted chair leg, when might I be able to book you and your trusty craft glue and ball peen hammer?
March 17th, 2009 at 9:45 pm