Wrapped.Around.Her.Finger.

I’d just like to state up front that I’m not the type of person to judge people.

Wait, why are you laughing? Okay, okay, so you’re right. Judging people is actually one of my favorite ways to pass the time. It drives Cleatus crazy. Every now and then he’ll demand that I tell him one person, JUST ONE GOD DAMNED PERSON, that I actually LIKE. And, usually, I’m all “My mom? I like my mom.” And then his head explodes and I judge him for being so fucking messy and inconsiderate and now I’m going to have to mop AGAIN and I just did that last week, GAWD.

So, now that we’ve established that judging people is an art form and I am a master at it, I’d like to introduce you to my neighbors.

There are three boys, ages 7, 9 and 11,  that live in the unbelievably small house next to me. I’ve never met the parents, but I have seen the dad and his hair is straight out of the eighties and, seriously, does he even own a shirt? Because he needs to start wearing one. They also have a dog and a cat and god knows what else is lurking in there. During the summer the kids keep a box of horrors in their side yard and they fill it with random bugs.

Anyway, the parents are the laziest parenters I’ve ever seen. The kids are outside pretty much all the time, regardless of the weather, and they are NEVER dressed appropriately. The oldest boy wears an old ladies purple coat in the winter and I would feel sorry for them not having money to buy their kids proper clothes except the boys like to brag to me about all the video games they have and they eat out every single day and I’m fairly sure that if they can afford video games and Burger King they can buy a $20 winter coat at The Wal-Mart, for the love of Christ.

See? I told you I was a professional judger.

The kids don’t behave AT ALL and the youngest one often knocks on our door and then just walks in. He has left our house crying multiple times because if I don’t yell at him he doesn’t leave the house and he’s not allowed inside the house because, obviously, he DOESN’T LISTEN. Anyway, he leaves crying and then comes back TEN MINUTES LATER, OH MY GAWD. If my child came home from the neighbors house crying, I don’t think I’d allow him to go back. Or maybe I would beat him for entering their house without permission.

So, we recently bought the kids a trampoline, because we don’t care if they break their bones, and also, THEY LIKE IT, no horror stories, please. My biggest concern has been other kids in the neighborhood jumping on it when we aren’t home. The kids are only allowed to jump if either Cleatus or I are outside to keep an eye on them. For the last month or so I’ve been able to put off letting the three heathens from next door jump, but today they come over and I caved.

I knew the mom wouldn’t care if they jumped on the trampoline because they leave a ladder up against the side of their house that the boys climb up to the roof with. And then they jump off the roof. Yes, really.

Anyway, we went out back and I told them to go get their mom and have her come outside and talk to me before they got on. One of them ran over and yelled through the back window (um, okay?) and she said yes, they can jump. He came back and repeated that to me. I told him that was fine, but before they could jump I needed to speak to her personally. I wanted to make sure that she understood they were not allowed to jump unless I was outside and also to tell her to keep the little fuckers out of our sandbox because they keep forgetting to cover the lid after they play in it. Also, wouldn’t it be nice to meet the woman whose children I have been screaming at for the past year?

She refused to come outside and yelled at the boys to just come inside the house.

Seriously. I don’t even know what to make of that. I mean, I understand if you’re in your pajamas or in the middle of something, but seriously. We’ve been neighbors for a year, she’s fine with them playing on my property and in my house without ever meeting me, and now? She’s refusing to come and speak to me? Parenting fail.

There. I feel better. Judging people is fun.

Judge someone in my comment section (just not me, please). Try it. You’ll like it.

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Before you go, why don’t you click over to Buns In My Oven? Check out the yummy new things I’ve been cooking up in my sidebar to your left. Don’t worry. Everything I cook is made with magical calorie-free ingredients.

One would think that spending an entire week spreading the word of God and passing out goldfish crackers and wiping other children’s asses would generate a lot of good karma, but alas, one would be wrong. My back is all jacked up. In fact, as I type this, I’m a bit high from the Tussionex cough syrup that I just took. No, I don’t have a cough, I took it for my back. What? It was the only narcotic I had in the house. I love narcotics.Please forgive any spelling and/or grammatical errors. Also, this may not make any sense at all, especially considering that I’ve completely forgotten what it was I sat down to tell you about.

Moving on to happier topics, Vacation Bible School is over, thank the Lord. I managed to behave quite well, if I do say so myself. There was only one incident where I came very close to harming someone and that someone wasn’t even a child. It was my seventh grade helper. She was playing dominoes on the floor with the other helper while I was wrangling five three year old children and muttering quietly to myself about how you just can’t find good help anymore when I heard Seventh Grader start to WHINE because Three Year Old had the audacity to interrupt her game of dominoes. Three Year Old then proceeded to climb all over Seventh Grader and Seventh Grader looked at me and tattled on Three Year Old. No, I’m not kidding. She sat on the floor, was shocked and upset to learn that three year old children like to climb on people who sit on floors, and then she whined to me that Three Year Old was HURTING her. She didn’t bother to pick up or remove Three Year Old, she just sat there and WHINED about it. I ignored it for as long as possible, because REALLY, you are three times that child’s size, YOU CAN HANDLE THIS BY YOURSELF. But then I decided that if she didn’t shut up I would have to stab her and stabbing people in church is generally frowned upon so I picked Three Year Old up and played a puzzle with her.

At closing ceremony on Friday one of the kids started dancing around saying she had to go potty. I hate the closing ceremony because it’s when all the pre-school classes come together and sing church-y songs that I don’t know the words to and all the kids and all the teachers are singing and doing hand motions and I’m standing there looking like a heathen who doesn’t know the words. I jumped at the chance to take the girl to the bathroom to avoid the singing, but of course the child had diarrhea and probably the singing would have been preferable. Remember how I said wiping snot off of children who you did not squeeze from your vagina was gross? Yes, well. Wiping diarrhea is so very much worse.

Wow. I just kind of blanked out there for a few minutes. That Tussionex is good stuff.

I should probably go to bed now, although poor Cleatus would probably prefer I didn’t. He said that last night I whimpered and cried all night. I don’t really remember it much though since I was all doped up. Whatever. Like he really needs sleep anyway.

Over and out.

So. Today was the first day of Vacation Bible School. It was, you know, bible-y. And there were a lot of kids. I was in charge of snacks and games and have you ever tried playing Follow The Leader with a group of three year olds? I don’t recommend it, especially not after loading them up with hawaiian punch and m&m’s. (Let it be noted that I was not in charge of SUPPLYING or CHOOSING the snack, just the adminstering of.)

Some of the kids were cute (not as many as you would think) and some were snotty and screamy. I’d like to state for the record that I have no problems wiping snot off of my children’s faces, sometimes even looking in to the used tissue with a weird sense of satisfaction, but when it comes to other people’s children? Wiping snot from their faces is a bit disgusting. It makes me shudder just thinking of all the snot I squeezed from noses today.

There was one little girl, though, that I fell in love with.  She walked in the room and I about fell over. She reminded me so much of Cindy-Lu when she was younger.  Her sweet little voice, her chubby hands, her sturdy little body. She was a bit of a whiner, just like Cindy-Lu, but she would stop whining the minute I picked her up and cuddled her. I did a lot of cuddling with her. At one point my heart started breaking when I remembered that Cleatus and I would never have another sweet little toddler running around our house, but then one of the screamers wandered over to me and I remembered that I don’t actually like kids, so I put the sweet girl down and went back to my job of pretending to be cheerful and loving towards all the kids. Even the screamy ones.

The highlight of the day was when this adorable little seventh grade helper asked me what grade I was in. Well, either that or getting to stare at the sexy daddy helper that monitored the playground. It’s a toss up.

I just found this in my drafts folder from a couple of months ago:

I’m trying this new thing and it’s actually working kind of well so I thought I’d share it with all of you.

First, you do a load of laundry the normal way. You know, put the clothes in the wash, put the clothes in the dryer. Easy, right? Here’s where it gets tricky! Instead of taking the clothes out of the dryer and moving them to the laundry room floor a laundry basket, you actually take them into the living room or bedroom or wherever and you FOLD them. After you fold them you put them away in the appropriate dresser drawer. It’s really kind of amazing how handy it is to have clothes folded up and put away where they belong instead of in a big heap on the laundry room floor in the laundry basket!

I’m obviously a housekeeping genius, so I thought I’d share my knowledge with you all. I’m using this blog for the greater good, you see.

I don’t think I need to tell you all that the laundry? It is sitting on the laundry room floor in a laundry basket right now. I think I lasted about a week before I realized that it’s really not worth all the extra effort of folding things and putting them away if people are just going to pull them out and then WEAR THEM AND MAKE THEM DIRTY AGAIN. Can you believe the nerve of my family? Wearing my freshly laundered and folded clothes? It’s enough to make a person crazy.

So, now my advice to you is this: Hire a housekeeper.

You all think my husband is cute, right? I mean, look at him! Those eyes! Did you know that sometimes they are blue and sometimes they are green? Hot, right?

But you don’t know him like I do. I mean, he’s not just a pretty face. There is SO MUCH more to him than that.

Drawing courtesy of Cindy-Lu.
(It probably goes without saying, but this picture is drawn to scale. Obviously.)

My, my. What a nice large belly button he has. And those scrawny little legs are so sexy. His heart is nice, of course, but we all know it’s his wiener that I love best.

UPDATED: Why are you all looking at the thing over his LIP? Who cares about his mouth! It’s the dick we are focusing on! But, to keep you all happy, I asked Cindy-Lu what that was and she said it was his extra nose. Meh. Whatever. At least she got the male anatomy part drawn correctly.