I’d just like to state up front that I’m not the type of person to judge people.
Wait, why are you laughing? Okay, okay, so you’re right. Judging people is actually one of my favorite ways to pass the time. It drives Cleatus crazy. Every now and then he’ll demand that I tell him one person, JUST ONE GOD DAMNED PERSON, that I actually LIKE. And, usually, I’m all “My mom? I like my mom.” And then his head explodes and I judge him for being so fucking messy and inconsiderate and now I’m going to have to mop AGAIN and I just did that last week, GAWD.
So, now that we’ve established that judging people is an art form and I am a master at it, I’d like to introduce you to my neighbors.
There are three boys, ages 7, 9 and 11, that live in the unbelievably small house next to me. I’ve never met the parents, but I have seen the dad and his hair is straight out of the eighties and, seriously, does he even own a shirt? Because he needs to start wearing one. They also have a dog and a cat and god knows what else is lurking in there. During the summer the kids keep a box of horrors in their side yard and they fill it with random bugs.
Anyway, the parents are the laziest parenters I’ve ever seen. The kids are outside pretty much all the time, regardless of the weather, and they are NEVER dressed appropriately. The oldest boy wears an old ladies purple coat in the winter and I would feel sorry for them not having money to buy their kids proper clothes except the boys like to brag to me about all the video games they have and they eat out every single day and I’m fairly sure that if they can afford video games and Burger King they can buy a $20 winter coat at The Wal-Mart, for the love of Christ.
See? I told you I was a professional judger.
The kids don’t behave AT ALL and the youngest one often knocks on our door and then just walks in. He has left our house crying multiple times because if I don’t yell at him he doesn’t leave the house and he’s not allowed inside the house because, obviously, he DOESN’T LISTEN. Anyway, he leaves crying and then comes back TEN MINUTES LATER, OH MY GAWD. If my child came home from the neighbors house crying, I don’t think I’d allow him to go back. Or maybe I would beat him for entering their house without permission.
So, we recently bought the kids a trampoline, because we don’t care if they break their bones, and also, THEY LIKE IT, no horror stories, please. My biggest concern has been other kids in the neighborhood jumping on it when we aren’t home. The kids are only allowed to jump if either Cleatus or I are outside to keep an eye on them. For the last month or so I’ve been able to put off letting the three heathens from next door jump, but today they come over and I caved.
I knew the mom wouldn’t care if they jumped on the trampoline because they leave a ladder up against the side of their house that the boys climb up to the roof with. And then they jump off the roof. Yes, really.
Anyway, we went out back and I told them to go get their mom and have her come outside and talk to me before they got on. One of them ran over and yelled through the back window (um, okay?) and she said yes, they can jump. He came back and repeated that to me. I told him that was fine, but before they could jump I needed to speak to her personally. I wanted to make sure that she understood they were not allowed to jump unless I was outside and also to tell her to keep the little fuckers out of our sandbox because they keep forgetting to cover the lid after they play in it. Also, wouldn’t it be nice to meet the woman whose children I have been screaming at for the past year?
She refused to come outside and yelled at the boys to just come inside the house.
Seriously. I don’t even know what to make of that. I mean, I understand if you’re in your pajamas or in the middle of something, but seriously. We’ve been neighbors for a year, she’s fine with them playing on my property and in my house without ever meeting me, and now? She’s refusing to come and speak to me? Parenting fail.
There. I feel better. Judging people is fun.
Judge someone in my comment section (just not me, please). Try it. You’ll like it.
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Jill says:
Maybe she’s like 800 lbs or something and can’t go outside without the help of a flatbed truck. I bet you feel bad for trying to make her come outside to talk to you about your deathtrap trampoline now, don’t you?
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Texan Mama says:
Oh my goodness. Maybe she couldn’t come out to talk to you because her Toni Home perm was setting and she had her house coat on.
Or maybe she was in the middle of a really good joint and didn’t want to share.
Whatev. Now you don’t have to let them bounce on your trampoline. The last thing you need is some faceless woman suing your ass because her kid broke his collarbone on your property. Actually, she’s probably waiting for JUST that event in order to keep up her lottery-ticket addiction.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:14 pm
baseballmom says:
Hm…sounds a little sketchy to me! I think she was probably watching a Jerry Springer/Maury Povich/Steve Wilkos marathon and couldn’t tear herself away. At least now you have an excuse for not letting them bounce! I would post some no trespassing signs around it, just to cover your ass if they go on there when you’re not home and she tries to sue you! She may get Judge Joe Brown all up on your ass…
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:06 am
kimberle says:
We had neighbors who never came out, too, and one day I got a glimpse inside their living room and saw it was because they were watching porn. Good thing ~ I wouldn’t have wanted to shake their hands anyway. And DON’T let ‘em jump until she signs a waiver. If they break a bone, it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 am
Aliceson says:
We had neighbors like that at our last house. The kids were free range hellions and the only time the parents would surface was when the cops were called.
You should drag your judgmental ass over there and give her hell, although blogging about seems to be much safer.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:02 am
Karen Sugarpants says:
OMG your comments are as funny as your post. I’m WLMAO (whisper laughing my ass off – my kids are still sleeping).
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:05 am
Zephra says:
Major warning lights going off in my head. My guess is either rampant drunk or Jerry Springer marathon though I like the porno comment. I could so see the porno thing…Wait! That didn’t sound right did it? Well no matter what, I bet there is a moo moo and stained housecoat involved.
You need to bake cookies, go over there and meet her because I am dying to know. But please be careful because if something ever happens to those boys and they can sue you, I bet they will. And check your homeowners policy, often, trampolines are not covered.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:48 am
Ashlie- Mommycosm says:
I was thinking that she was either too heavy to go outside or a drunk.
Guess I’m a judger, too.
Good luck with that. Take a picture of her ladder on her house – b/c you’ll need evidence when they sue you for their little heathen jumping on the trampoline when you’re not home and breaking his neck. Or post a sign “no jumping on trampoline without adult supervision”. That might cover you. Maybe.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:15 am
Lisa says:
I loe to judge others. It’s so personally rewarding
I was thinking the 800 lb thing too. Have you ever seen this woman? Maybe the husband keep her chained up? maybe shes got some really horrendous deformity or is handicapped?
Do you need to have a fence in your yard for the trampoline? Our neighbors got one and our town ordinances say it has to be fenced in…liability and all…same as with a pool.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
nichole says:
I’m definitely Judgey McJudgerson, too. I can’t.stop. My husband also pulls the “you hate everybody” arguement. I’m always all “well, if everyone wouldn’t be SO stupid!
I think your neighbor is probably just a rude, anti-social biotch. But then again, the theory of an alcoholic jerry springer addict has a nice ring to it, too.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Trenches of Mommyhood says:
Umm…WEIRD!
I feel bad for the boys.
(And for you for having to be their neighbor!)
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:37 am
Leslie says:
She was probably drying pot in the oven. Or working as a phone sex operator and couldn’t hang up. Maybe she has a Nazi face tattoo. The possibilities are endless. I think you need to find a reason to go over there. We’ve got to know what’s up with this woman!
Also, a ladder to roof where the kids jump off? My kid breaks her leg just walking. How come these kids aren’t in casts? I actually heard someone say, “Some people don’t deserve children,” as I walked past with my broken legged kid at the zoo, meanwhile, the hermit mother doesn’t hear anything because she won’t come out of her house! UGH!
I like to judge as much as the next person, as long as they’re not judging me.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:57 am
Mrs Soup says:
I am SUCH a judger….I get it from my mom and grandma. My husband HATES it. I try to work on it, but fail. I could go on for HOURS judging people I know. I think that may be why I don’t have many real life friends….I judge them too much that their habits get on my nerves.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
Gina says:
Clearly, she’s a fucked up crazy bitch. I judge my psycho neighbors all the time. You’d love them, from a judging perspective.
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:47 am
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
It’s probably Kate Gosselin in hiding.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Jennifer says:
As the good ole fashioned lawyer who loves your site, don’t let the kids jump on the trampoline. Be the evil neighbor you already are & don’t let them jump. Don’t draw up a waiver…won’t work, trust. Your home owner’s insurance will allow this family to move to a much better house where they can expand their hydroponic pot growing, Maury watching, Nazi tattoo faced, 800 lb ways. Whew.
2ndly, you said we got to judge someone in the comments. I would like to anonymously judge my mom for going to Puerto Rico with my aunt (her sister) and cousin. I know we are all grown ups and she can do what she wants, but it still gets on my nerves that she treats “her” family better than she treats her kids and husband. We just don’t matter sometimes. I judge her for being rude and selfish.
I feel better now.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
amanda says:
OK I am judging jill (1st commenter) cause she stole my idea!!! I was totally thinking giant fat lady unable to fit thru the door. That makes me sad that she cares so little. (not jill the neighbor) I am now set on a 800 lb lady smoking a joint WHILST drunk and watching springer – dear god I am scared. Hold me?
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
MamaBug says:
Oh man. I am among my people! I am thinking your neighbor is an X-files-inbred-mom-under-the-bed-on-the-rolling-cart-thing. If you’re too young to get this reference, Google it.
As for judging, I am so at your level and the view from here is just fine! I had my first conversation with my crazy-ass neighbor yesterday. My 1st conversation in the 10 years we’ve lived in our house.
She explained colorfully at the top of her lungs that we needed to crawl under our shrubs and trim back the (invisible) weeds that are causing her 30 year old fence to fall down. When I explained that we would be happy to look into it, and that we would probably respond better to a more civil request, she yelled that she “didn’t want to be my MF’n friend, God D-it!!”
Well, she can’t be my friend now. Nyah-nyah-nyah. Stupid neighbor.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Procrastamom says:
In our old house we had these neighbour kids that would let themselves into our backyard and shed and just play with our kids’ toys whenever the hell they felt like it. I made the mistake of insisting I meet their mother before I’d let them go on our trampoline. They took me inside their house to meet Mom and oh my god, I finally realized where that terrible smell in the neighbourhood had been eminating from! The house was so incredibly cluttered and dirty that those chicks on How Clean is Your House would have run away screaming. Yeah, I would think that you probably don’t want to be meeting that neighbour lady of yours (and don’t shake her hand!!!).
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas says:
I feel bad for them, and yes – parenting FAIL.
I feel bad for you too. All I could think about reading this was our next door neighbor girl who drives us to effing drink. She comes in without knocking, comes in when we’ve said stay out, comes in when we aren’t IN THE HOUSE (!?!), she knocks and rings the doorbell ALL THE DAMN TIME, takes food and drinks from our fridge in the garage, and is a big fat problem whose parents have zero control over her (she’s 7). However, we are practicing for sainthood via extra holy patience because she has ADD & various other as-yet undiagnosable problems (a touch of autism they think is one).
So, she breaks our hearts AND drives us freaking insane. And we really really wish her parents would fence their yard. Tomorrow.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Shannon says:
Sounds like a real family of winners you have there. Lucky you! Aren’t neighbours fabulous?
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Elisabeth says:
I’m with the x-files alien mom on a creeper under the bed. Something is WAAY wrong here! Good luck! Maybe put some raccoon traps out? Then the boys will get the hint? Enough about you lets talk about me…
OMG! You have touched my heart again! How about the house I bought has a gate in the privacy fence into my back yard (single divorce lady living alone here). that opens only from their side. They have 17 kids, the mom is 22 and the oldest son is 18 I think. And who comes into my back yard ALL THE TIME? The oldest boy and all his neighborhood hoodlum friends. I will have to send you a pic of the craptastic job I did “fixing” my gate problem. It so totally looks like something Wile E. Coyote came up with. There are nails and boards EVERYWHERE!
So I talk to Miss “I’m 22 and am a baby MACHINE” finally about keeping her kid and his friends in her OWN FRIGGING BACKYARD before I realize that’s where the big kids play because the little kids run around NAKED in the front yard. Who do I call? DFaCS? the SPCA? I dunno. I gave up and moved to TX
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:54 pm
thatgirlblogs says:
maybe she couldn’t come see you because she’s already been letting him sneak into your backyard and tramp around when you’re not home.
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
candygirlflies says:
When I went over to welcome our new neighbours a few years ago, the little man who answered the door (who, by the way, was the spittin’ image of Herbert Birdsfoot from Sesame Street), hollered to his wife to come out of the kitchen to meet me.
Her response?
“DO I HAVE TO?”
MY response?
(In a voice resembling that thing from “Poltergeist”)
“YES. YOU. HAVE. TO.”
That?
Pretty much set the tone for the relationship.
(But then, I actually really enjoy it when people are scared to death of me. It’s Fun.)
June 24th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Cameron says:
You oughtta just knock on their door and walk right in and meet the mom. Bet she’d like that.
June 24th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Cameron says:
Oh, and I’ve met you, IN REAL LIFE, so I can judge the shit out of you. Wonder what I think…..
June 24th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Lisa says:
That’s why summer sucks-other people’s children. Here’s my neighbor child hate…older neighbor boy who always makes my 8 year old cry. I used the excuse that he’s too young to play with psycho boy anymore to end the daily tear-fest. Psycho boy leaves a note and a batman figure on our doorstep a’la single white female. “You’re my best friend in the whole wide world” Then when we didn’t respond he’d show up at our door step at 7:00am in the morning ringing the doorbell-over,and over,and over. Finally had to have the Seinfeld “It’s not you it’s me” talk with the mother. Sigh.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Tosha says:
That’s completely insane! No way i’d let my kids go play at someones house without ever goign over and finding something out about the people! I can see you having more issues with these kids in the future..
June 24th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Nan says:
Yikes! Time to fence the yard and get a fierce-looking dog with a reputation. (Our “Fierce” dog was a teddy-bear, but we used to say “Back! Down! Hold on, let me lock the dog up, he’s a biting menace!”)
Or, send a letter, registered mail, keep a copy, saying “Do not, under any condition, allow your children into my yard” to avoid lawsuits. No, that might not work.
Hire some hit men? Who will knock on her door, go right in, and sit playing with stuff untill told forcefully to leave?
Hey! Maybe it’s ELVIS! He’s had a sex change, and doesn’t want to be recognized!
June 24th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Jennifer W. says:
I’m not going to read the other comments because I too am a Professional Judger and I don’t want to start an internet riot over my sarcastic judgings (so much better than “judgement” don’t you think?). All that to say someone probably said this already, “Have preprinted waivers (you can find them on the net) that ALL the kids parents sign and keep them filed away”. Even for your friends. I won’t bore you with my horror stories related to this issue.
Oh, and no it is not wrong to say it. My husband? IS pretty hot.
June 24th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Suburban Turmoil says:
This is hilarious! And that mom’s gotta go. I feel sorry for her sons!
June 25th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Maggie C. says:
I’m so glad we don’t have any neighbor children! Then I would have to put on pants in the morning when I go out to feed the dogs and I would hate to have to that!
June 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Maggie C. says:
Perhaps that’s why their mom wouldn’t come out and talk to you – she was sittin’ around in her undies and was to lazy to get some pants on! ya – thats it!
June 25th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Petra aka The Wise (Young) Mommy says:
Oh man, that would drive me CRAZY! The only thing that gets my goat more than my own kids driving me crazy is other people’s obnoxious, poorly raised children driving me crazy!
June 25th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
BlueBella says:
Ok Jill got it right first off . . .either that or she’s the female version of the Treeman . . . erm the Treewoman with rootlike appendages holding her 800 lb frame to the couch.
And sounds like you now have a simple solution to the damn neighbor kids roaming free range – just tell them to have their Mom come talk to you and she’ll get them out of your hair post haste. Problem solved.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
patois says:
No clothes to wear because the oldest is wearing her going-out coat.
Judge away.
June 29th, 2009 at 8:33 am
kimberly sepulveda says:
Oh my gosh, you are one of the funniest people I have ever read about! This is really annoying about the parents, I really feel your judgment is really just facts about them, they are terrible parents, obviously. I love your blog, and I can’t wait to look at your food too(:
I just tweeted about this blog post because I loved it so much(: twitter: kimberly4562
June 29th, 2009 at 10:40 am
lindsey says:
Love your site.
First thing that came to mind was that she was a hella-fatty. She’s probably a delightful person, but has indulged a bit too much on the twinkies over the years to fit through the door.
Second, I second the lawyerly advice and say not to let them jump on your trampoline. People like that are the type of people that sue for big bucks when the kid falls off and breaks an arm. How else are they supposed to fund that twinkie habit of hers?
June 29th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Aunt Becky says:
Dude. How have I not met you before? It’s like Christmas in freaking July today.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:07 am
David King says:
I feel your pain I’m only over there what… 3 times a month MAX? And those little fuckers drive me insane!! If they ride their bikes so close to my car again I’m going to punch this in their ugly faces
lmao
I would honestly move
June 30th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Auds at Barking Mad says:
Oh girlfriend…I’d have gotten my “urban” on and walked my ginormous ass over there and would have been all up in her business. Seriously.
And then once whatever the fuck drug I was taking wore off and I realized that I was not indeed urban, and had no clue what I was doing, I’d run my ginormous booty back home and hide.
Then I would call my mom who is a lawyer and she’d rip me a new one and tell me I was a dumbass because if the heathen children from next door manage to break their face on my trampoline, I’m liable for it. And then there go my homeowner insurance premiums.
See, my mom is always thinking about me…errr, my finances.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Holli says:
I’m not a big judger, but I have a friend that is the worst. She will see someone wearing a stupid outfit and will write them off forever. She’s awful
By the way- I’m guessing neighbor lady is a gazillion pounds.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Leigh Anne says:
Love this post!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Olivia says:
….”Why can’t they be like we were, perfect in every way…..what’s the matter with kids today?” I love that song. Seriously though, today’s young parents are products of the raising they received and on and on. I was never told to leave the neighbors alone, I just did. Why would I go into stranger’s yards? Never occurred to me. But then, I am seventy. My kids, who are middle aged themselves, say they knew they shouldn’t do it either and mostly didn’t, but occasionally bugged the old guy next door on purpose, to see him scream. Each succeeding generation from the forties on has let standards slip for child rearing to the point most people can’t stand other folk’s offspring anymore.
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September 30th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Visty says:
The neighbors here probably think we are the worst parents in the world because our kids are always “sick”, “doing homework”, “babysitting the baby”, or “cleaning” and can never come out and play with their son anymore.
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