Sell Out

Guilt: It Worked For My Mom, Why Doesn’t It Work For Me?

July 26, 2009

I’m back from BlogHer and, yes, I had a great time. I’m still trying to process it all and as soon as I do, I will write up a post for those of you who are interested. For those of you that are not interested, I’ll include a link to some free porn.

In the meantime I thought I would share this little story about my daughter and what an absolute asshole she is.

emma1web

While I was at BlogHer the kids stayed with my parents for a few nights. One of those nights Cindy-Lu was playing the Wii and, when Eeyore asked her for a turn, she refused to share. My mom, having really never had to discipline my kids much before (they’re usually actually very well-behaved), repeatedly asked Cindy-Lu to give up the controller. Cindy-Lu knows that her Granny is just a sweet old lady (okay, minus the old part) that pretty much lets her get away with anything from eating cookies for breakfast to picking all the flowers in her garden, so she refused to hand over the controller. Finally my mom got down and tried to physically remove the controller from Cindy-Lu’s hand, and, well, Cindy-Lu kicked her in the boob.

My daugther kicked her grandmother in the boob.

I have obviously instilled a deep respect for their elders in my children and I win at parenting.

emma-noelleweb

When I got home today I started lecturing Cindy-Lu about hitting and kicking and being kind to our family. Cindy-Lu responded by lying and saying that she never kicked her Granny. I told her that Granny had called and told me about it.

“Well, Granny wasn’t mad that I kicked her. She thought it was funny.”

I told her that Granny was very mad that she had kicked her and that was why she had gotten a time out.

Then I had a brilliant parenting idea and decided to lay on the guilt. I went on to say that not only was Granny very angry that Cindy-Lu had kicked her but her feelings were hurt too. I told Cindy-Lu that Granny called me and she was so sad that it was quite possible she was crying because family should never hit or kick each other and we should always treat each other with love and respect, and how was Granny supposed to know that Cindy-Lu loved her if she was kicking her in the boobs?

“You don’t want to make the people you love sad, do you?” I asked.

“But, I don’t love Granny,” she replied. “I only love my one girl, Cinderella.”

And, yes, I totally told her that Cinderella doesn’t like little assholes so she better start at least PRETENDING to love her Granny. Like I said, I win at parenting.

Things That You Should Know

July 14, 2009

So, it appears that in less than two weeks I am going to be heading to Chicago to actually MEET other bloggers. I know, it’s weird. I generally don’t LIKE people and here I am, heading off to hang out with a bunch of them for 5 days! I must be insane.

Before I leave on my trip, I thought it’d be best to make a list of facts that you all should know about me. These will be handy if you are at BlogHer and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

1. When I try to picture a blogger in my head, I usually picture her somewhat skinny. Don’t picture me that way. I look skinnier in your head than I do in real life.

2. When I get nervous, I spill things all over myself. I swear that I am bringing clean clothes with me, they just probably won’t look that way when you meet me. Be prepared to find me with food and drink dripped all down the front of my clothes. It’s just how I roll.

3. I’m probably not actually going to be missing my children at all. I homeschool, okay? I see a lot of them.

4. I’m going to be wearing Spanx. Also, I’m going to be drinking a lot. When I drink a lot, I tend to pee. If you happen to be in the bathroom and hear someone falling over and cussing and coming out with bruises, it’s probably me. Getting Spanx off to pee while drunk is not something that can be done gracefully, okay?

5. I’m not graceful even when I’m sober.

6. When I am on my period I am super clumsy. I drop things, I trip over things, I bump into stuff. I normally wouldn’t be on my period the week of BlogHer, but remember: I bleed when I go to hotels.

7. My roommate for Wednesday night is Jill from Charming and Delightful. My roommate for the rest of the trip is Leslie from My Mommy’s Place. These two ladies should be warned that I sleep naked. Except when I’m on my period. So they have nothing to worry about.

8. I am unbelievably excited to be attending BlogHer this year, not because of all the alcohol or the parties or the swag, but because I really want to meet all of you. If you’re going, please please please leave me a comment so that I know to look for you.

10. I was also invited to attend the “What Women Want: Tech & Quality Event” by Ford. I’m going to be touring their plant (I hope to hell I don’t have to wear a hard hat.), trying out their Active Park Assist (You push a button! And it parallel parks for you!) and test driving the Ford Fusion! Ford would like to know what women want (hence the name) in a vehicle. Leave me a comment and let me know what YOU want and I’ll let Ford know. (Me: I want the little GPS dashboard screen in more vehicles. So handy! Need one!)

So, uh, I guess that’s it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shop for some shoes to wear to BlogHer. I neeeeeed some shoes, man.

The Big Announcement. It’s Huge, People. Huge.

July 5, 2009

Oh, hai.

It appears that I have a bit of the verbal constipation, but don’t worry. I’m forcing these words out JUST FOR YOU.

So, first off, I should probably make the big announcement. No, I’m not pregnant or getting a divorce and I didn’t save the whales. This is even bigger. This is, in fact, HUGE.

I bought an iPhone.

Whew. It feels good to get that out there. I mean, sure, waving it around in everyone’s face has been fun, but it just didn’t feel official until I announced it here.

I won’t even tell you everything I’ve had to go through to make this happen (hint: my knees have bruises) or tell you how Cleatus feels about 1. the cost of the phone (hint: Cleatus + frowny face = how he feels) or 2. the cost of the plan (hint: I didn’t actually tell him that part, because then the frowny face would turn into an angry face) or the fact that while he still has Verizon, I now have AT&T (hint: irritated. Very irritated.), so yes. Let’s just skip talking about all of that.

Excuse me for a moment, I need to go pet my iPhone, she gets lonely when I leave her all alone in my dark and dreary purse.

I’m back, but I can’t just sit here and blog all day. I have an iPhone to make sweet love to. So, I leave you with homework.

First, I need you all to go enter my contest to win a Baby Signs book and $50 gift card to Babies “R” Us. Even if you don’t have a baby, it’d make a great baby shower gift, so GO ENTER.

Second, I need you to look over there by your little scroll-y bar thing. You know, to the right. Towards the top of your page there is an orange tab that says “Suggestions.” Sweet, right? Click it and you can leave me suggestions for things to blog about, because, let’s face it, you need more Wiping Up Snot in your life.

Third, what iPhone apps can I not live without? (You see that? See how I brought it back around to the iPhone? I do that in real life too. It’s very charming. People love it.)

Assignments due immediately. Chop chop.