Seriously, y’all. My life has just gone DOWN HILL. I never expected to be THIS person. This crazy, psychotic, obsessive person. But I am. And it’s all my neighbor’s fault.
Some of you may remember way back in May when I bitched about having to repair the drainage pipe that ran under our driveway from our neighbor’s ditch to ours. If you don’t remember, the short story is that our neighbor is a fucking loon and he decided that his ditch wasn’t draining as fast as he’d like, so he called some company out to auger the pipe thingy that ran under our driveway. He did this without our permission. The company put a hole in the pipe and caused it to collapse so the neighbor’s ditch pretty much stopped draining altogether. He asked us to fix it, we told him no. He was the one who had broke it, so if it bothered him he could call that same company and ask them to come and fix it. He called the city instead. (Did I say this was a short story? I lied.) The city said that we had to fix it within two weeks or they would charge us eleventy trillion dollars. We fixed it.The city inspected it and called it good.
The end!
Except it wasn’t the end. Our neighbor’s ditch STILL wasn’t draining properly and I know, who cares. It’s a ditch. It’s sole purpose is to give rain water a place to live, right? Why are we getting all worked up about the rain water in the ditch?
But our neighbor, the bastard, is very concerned about his ditch having water in it when it rains. It drains on it’s own within a day of it raining, so it’s not like he has a fucking pond or anything, he just has a bit of RAIN WATER, OH MY FUCKING GOD.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Rain water. In the ditch.
So, my neighbor goes out and buys some sort of pump thing and hooks it up to his water hose. And then, oh God, every time it rains he proceeds to get in his wheelchair and wheel himself across his yard in the pouring rain to hook this pump up and he lays the hose so that water from his ditch drains riiiiight at the edge of our driveway.
It’s our property 18 inches over from our driveway, so he is clearly on our property. Now, honestly, I have better things to stress over than fucking rain water, but oh my god. He is doing this JUST TO MAKE ME INSANE, I JUST KNOW IT. Anytime it rains I spend the day staring out my window at the fucking hose and muttering insults about old people needing to GET A GOD DAMNED LIFE.
Clearly his evil plan is working.
Now, my question to you, all two one of you who stuck with me and read this fucking novel about RAIN WATER, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, please answer me this. Would you be the bigger person and just ignore it? Or would you haul your ass over there and stomp all over his fucking rain hose and then shove the fucking thing down his ugly wrinkled old man throat so that he chokes on the dreaded rain water? Or, option C, would you just be all tra la la, just out for a stroll in the rain and I noticed your hose accidentally drifted onto my property, let me gently toss that back into your yard in a friendly manner?
I’m leaning towards option C, but I have a feeling that he’ll come out of the house and start bitching about how that rain water is supposed to drain into my yard anyway, so WHAT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM and at that point I will lose my ever loving mind and end up killing him anyway, so I should just go ahead with option B, right?
Busted says:
Next time he pulls this crap, take a picture of the hose being on your property and then throw the ef’ing thing back his way. If he has anything to say about it, just kindly respond with, “I don’t want it on my property”.
I’ve noticed neighbors like to try to get away with as much as they can until confronted. There’s nothing like a monotoned response from an unamused person to keep people at bay.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Midwest Mommy says:
Oh I hate neighbors. I am in a feud with mine over not having their dog on a leash. Seriously I called the association and the village so many times it is finally working. I think they got fined out the butt for all of it. I documented it all with pictures. I can be a bitch but a 120 pound dog not on a leash was ticking me off.
I wouldn’t be able to not do something, lol.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Midwest Mommy says:
Oh and my husband has informed me I have now become THAT old lady who sits in the window and watching for the hooligans in the neighborhood, lol.
Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming…
October 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
MamaBug says:
This just makes me want to know what type of neighborhood do you live in?? Isn’t there a crazy house-bound x-files-on-a-roller-board neighbor on the other side? Christ on a cracker, these neighbors are great for blog stories!
I hate confrontation but then I stew about it and come up with all the possible situations, get all in a lather and end up looking like an ass because I am so worked up. Miss Poised, Gracious and Light, I am not.
I’d probably go the passive aggressive route and take photos, make sure he SAW me taking photos and then push the hose oh-so gently back onto his property and let him try and figure out what your planning. Maybe take a few photos of the ditch for good measure. And evil fun.
Thanks for posting!
October 26th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Karen Sugarpants says:
If you really what to mess with his mind, take the pump thingy off and put on one of the kid’s sprinkler things. Let him try and close to his hose with that going!
Seriously. Your life has come to THIS? Go cook something. I need ideas for dinner.
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..I Deleted My Facebook Account Today and Lived to Tell About It
October 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Shannon says:
Option C. And keep doing it. Or call the police. It’s a form of trespassing, right!? If he wants to pull the city card, stoop just as low.
I hate neighbours. I hate neighbours who can’t live in neighbourhoods even more. Why not buy 5 acres of land and put a house right in the middle of it if you’re going to have loud parties that run until 4 a.m. on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning? (Who the hell even parties on a Wednesday night??) If you don’t like to see holiday decorations, the housing development who won the top three prizes in last year’s light contest is NOT where you should buy a shingle.
Sorry I usurped your comment section. LOL
Option C. And ask Santa for a ‘No Hose Crossing’ sign for the corner of your property.
October 26th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Shannon says:
Yeah, C is probably the best choice. Can Cleatus do it so as to prevent you from committing murder? (Not that I would blame you – the neighbour is clearly an asshole.)
Shannon´s last blog ..Where I’m At
October 26th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
candygirlflies says:
Ah, fuck it. You live in the States: just shoot the bastard.
xo cgf
October 26th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Rachael says:
Do you have to keep the blinds closed upstairs and downstairs on one side of your house at all times too?? I swear old people are the worst, especially bored, cranky, miserable with the life they have created old people and their 40 year old single never gonna get a woman pain in the behind sleaze ball son who still lives with his parents. Does your city have an online service that you can post complaints on? Ours does and I’ve used it a ton of times to complain about my nosy, pain in the rear neighbor. I also learned the complaints go directly to the chief of police and if you do not see some kind of resolution then you can file a complaint against the chief of police with the city council and he will have to answer directly to the mayor in front of a live televised feed. Keeps him on his toes because the representative for our district is a biatch and will tear into him like a rabid dog while wearing a big smile on her face. I would definitely document him out there putting the hose in your yard and include that if/when you file a complaint.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
LauraLCD says:
Option C is awesome. Seriously, once the old fatty goes back into his house, nonchalantly move the hose back into his yard. You moved the hose? What? No, must of been some of the stupid neighborhood kids.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Catriona says:
Simply be the bigger person.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Corey says:
Argh. I had a neighbor like this.. he used to cut my flower garden down, my bushes.. he was horrid. I had to close my blinds every time he came outside, because I used to drive myself bananas every time I saw him.. I just got obsessed with watching what he was doing (and wanting to murder him).
How did I solve the problem?
Moved. Yeah.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Cissy says:
Heh heh… buy a pump thing just like his, and pump the water back to his yard – one big water cycle. That ought to make him crazy…
October 26th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Cin says:
Call the city the next time he does it. What he’s doing is against code and it’s the city’s responsibility to make sure the ditch is draining properly. Yes, I know too much about this. I’m on city council in our small town and we have those same types of people. It is not your problem. It is theirs. If the city says it’s your problem, MAKE it their problem. Call them every 5 minutes until they do something. And yes, I’m serious.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Zephra says:
I am surprised that you just fixed the damage last time. He cause it. I would have sued him. He was trespassing and damaged your property and then instead of fixing it he called the city on you? I would warn him first in a letter that he is draining onto you property along with pictures. Ask him to correct the problem or you will be taking further action. If he does not stop, get the city involved. You don’t have to live like this.
I do really love the idea of getting another pump and drain it back into his yard. That is killer.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Texan Mama says:
Okay, considering you DID lead the snack station at VBS this summer, I’m surprised that you aren’t taking the more Christian attitude about this whole thing.
*crickets chirping*
No, I am just kidding. I would be so pissed too.
If it were me, I would probably do some prep work, like get all the stupid papers in order for the repair work you had to do, then the next time it rains make sure you take lots of pictures or videos of that stupid dude on your property. THEN go to him and be all, “you must cease and desist with this stupid rain water shit or I will sue you. And, here’s my proof.” And then unleash the paperwork and the photos.
BOO-YAH.
Texan Mama´s last blog ..I’m a Stalker
October 26th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Bunny says:
Option D: Take a switchblade (I KNOW you have one) and make tiny slits all through his hose so it never runs anywhere, ever again. Or, since it is RIIIIIGHT at the edge of your driveway, run over the tip of the hose (be careful not to puncture your tire–that would suck) and smash it flat. When he complains, say “What hose? Oh! That one on OUR PROPERTY YOU ‘EFFIN OLD COOT!”??
Bunny´s last blog ..Food Porn! Garden Porn! Porn, Porn, Porn!
October 26th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Michelle says:
Yay! You are back!
What an ass. I would sneak on over when it is not raining and stab his hose full of holes, rendering it useless.
Michelle´s last blog ..8-0 baby, 8-0!!
October 26th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Michelle says:
OK, I just read the comment above mine, with the same idea. Clearly it is an awesome idea. Don’t forget to take pictures of the damn thing spraying all over the place.
Michelle´s last blog ..8-0 baby, 8-0!!
October 26th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Aunt Becky says:
Run over the hose with your lawnmower. DUH.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Where I Make My World My Bitch (with your help)
October 26th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Bunny says:
^Amen, Michelle. We rock. I second the taking photos of the damn thing spraying everywhere. Just remember to wear rain gear because it will also spray on you when you puncture it.
Bunny´s last blog ..Food Porn! Garden Porn! Porn, Porn, Porn!
October 27th, 2009 at 7:06 am
The Aunt says:
Is he married?? Everytime it rains Mom complains about the water standing in the curbs. She actually goes out and tries to sweep it back into the road. Maybe we could fix em up and they could move where it doesn’t rain. Or maybe we could just shoot em like candygirlflies suggested.
October 27th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Dawn says:
Oh my gosh are you funny!!! hahahhaa I say stab him and get it over with….but I am also PMSing and out of chocolate so there.
Big grin!!
dawn
Dawn´s last blog ..The creepy man….
October 27th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Cameron says:
Here’s what I would do (my neighbor is doing this to me and it drives me fucking bonkers):
Get a nice sized eleventy million watt flood light, mount it on your house, and point it directly into his yard, then leave the mother fucker on every night.
Cameron´s last blog ..Screw It, I’ll Just Jinx Myself
October 27th, 2009 at 7:42 am
A Mom Anonymous says:
I think you should just move. That city is full of crazies. My aunt who lives there has asshole neighbors too. So I’m convinced it’s the town
However, I don’t think you would be able to blog from jail (maybe you could? They have everything else available, why not the internet for blogging? Twitter? Facebook?) and I know you wouldn’t be able to cook and share those recipes. And oh man, what would Cleatus do? So don’t commit murder for that reason ok?
A Mom Anonymous´s last blog ..Menu Plan Monday
October 27th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Alison says:
I would move the hose. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. When he moves it back, you move it back. Declare war! (passive aggressive war)
October 27th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Secret Mom Thoughts says:
I agree with Alison. I would move the hose each time but I would day dream of B. I won’t share what I day dream about doing to that dog that attacked my dog.
Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Ticked Off Tuesday List
October 27th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Leslie says:
If it were me, honestly, I’d be stalking that window, getting angrier and angrier every time it rained. But ultimately, I’d do nothing about it. Because I’ a wimp.
If it were my neighbor, they’d come out and move the hose, then post a little sign that says, “No trespassing. This means hoses, too.”
Leslie´s last blog ..Tonight, He’s Gone Again
October 27th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
patois says:
Absolutely punch the holes into the hose.
Or, realistically and karmically, just let it go. Let. It. Go.
patois´s last blog ..Wordy Wednesday #82: Harry Pumpkin
October 28th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Gina says:
I would throw it back into his yard and then the next time, I would chop the fucker off right where it crossed into my property.
Gina´s last blog ..Plagiarised AGAIN!
October 28th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Lottifish says:
That would totally drive me crazy and I’d probably put a bucket in MY ditch to catch all the rain water and then throw the bucket at his front door…but that’s just me
October 28th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Lottifish says:
On a side note…you all have really crappy neighbors and it makes me afraid to buy a house.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
corrin says:
D, be all tra la la, just out for a stroll in the rain and noticed your hose accidentally drifted onto my property, let me gently toss that back into your basement window.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Audrey at Barking Mad says:
I’m tempted to tell you to shove it down his ever lovin’ wrinkled throat because we had a neighbor that did the same exact thing to us and it overwhelmed our sump pump in the basement which ended up flooding our basement. He was a total gobshite about it too when we tried to tell him what it was doing. Eventually he stopped it but not before we threatened him with a lawsuit.
But I guess you should probably go with option C, being that he’s old and all that.
Audrey at Barking Mad´s last blog ..The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same – Invasion ‘09
October 29th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Crystal says:
I’m opting for C myself (though B is a tempting alternative) and after you do that 20 or 30 7 times (provided he doesn’t own a handgun) he may just get tired of wheeling his tired butt out in the rain and leave it alone. Good luck with this. :O)
November 1st, 2009 at 9:36 am
baseballmom says:
I like mamabug’s idea. I would take pics, because obviously, he likes to get his way by calling the city. If his draining rain washed out the dirt under your driveway, at least you’d have proof. I”d make sure he sees you, and I would let him see you moving it back to his yard…it’s just like having someone’s dog shit in your yard-he has no right to put it there. He drew the line when he reported you to the city and made you fix HIS problem in the first place.
baseballmom´s last blog ..HOUSECLEANING
November 1st, 2009 at 11:57 pm
thatgirlblogs says:
I don’t know, but the house next to ours is for sale and I’m living in fear that the dude next to you is gonna buy it and haunt me.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:37 pm
sam {temptingmama} says:
I say drive him completely bat shit crazy that he up and moves and I can live beside you. Then we can just let the ditch fill up with rainwater and the kids can play in it while we drink beer in your front window while we watch them.
Sounds fair to me.
sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Disconnected
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Wiping Up Snot » I Plan To Retaliate By Blogging About Him On The Internet. That’ll Learn Him. says:
[...] How Did My Life Come To This? I Mean, REALLY. [...]
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
patty shirah says:
While I was looking for advise about blocked drains(yes plural.all of them are stopped up)I came across your plumbing aka drainage woes. Thank you. I hate that it happened to you however I sure am glad you shared it.
January 1st, 2010 at 2:01 pm