I know you’re all dying to hear what happened with The Neighbor and His Hose (which could totally be the title of a porn movie, right?) and so I will tell you.
I sat here and I read each comment that came through about my neighbor and how I should handle the situation. I laughed at some of the sillier suggestions and I nodded and shook my fist in the direction of my neighbor’s house at some of the “slit his hose with your pocketknife” type comments. I did nothing though. I just sat and stared out the window at the hose and I got angrier and angrier and finally, FINALLY, I shouted at Cleatus that I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Go out there and pick that hose up and throw it back into his yard!” I said, sounding not at all crazy.
“Um. Okay,” Cleatus agreed in the tone one would use with an upset patient in a mental facility.
“And don’t just gently lay it on the ground either! Make sure you throw it! Throw it hard!” I gave up pretending that all is well with my mind. Clearly, I have gone insane.
I stood at the window and watched while Cleatus marched out there and picked that hose up and threw it (THREW IT!) into the neighbor’s yard. I felt so much better until I started feeling like a douche.
I mean, really. How old am I? Couldn’t I have just let it go?
No. No, I couldn’t.
I stopped feeling guilty about it pretty quickly and I decided to just stick with hating the neighbor.
WE DIDN’T EVEN TRICK OR TREAT AT HIS HOUSE.
You don’t want to make me angry, y’all. I will just skip right by your house on Halloween. Screw you and your grumpy old man candy. We don’t need it or want it and you can’t make us have it. So there.
AND THEN!
This morning I was sitting in the house feeling all happy that the hose situation had been taken care of (he’s now draining the ditch into his own front yard, the fucking moron.) when I glanced out the window just to enjoy the view of a ditch water free front yard when, lo, my neighbor was blocking the view. He was blocking the view because he was using a leaf blower to blow all of his motherfucking leaves into our front yard.
A little thing I like to call PROOF.
He blew his leaves out of his yard, across our driveway, and into our yard. There is a big ass pile of leaves all down the edge of our driveway.
I fully expect to look out the window later this afternoon to see him standing there pissing all over our lawn.
Bunny says:
Oh, Hell-to-the-no! You need to borrow a friend’s BIG dog and have it dumped a big ‘ol pile right in the middle of his grass.
Or you could just set his yard on fire like we did to our neighbors. They blew a bunch of leaves in the right of way bordering our property (sorta part of our yard) which my husband decided to burn. A stray burning leaf blew onto their newly laid sod, catching it, their fence and a big tree on fire. 911 was called. Mayhem ensued. Luckily, we did NOT get fined because my hubs was smart and called for a burn permit before firing up. Our homeowner’s insurance had to pay for the damage but, by God, it was worth it because no more leaves in the right of way since then!
Bunny´s last blog ..Ho-Ho-Halloween
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Bunny says:
PS, next time get a photo of him actually blowing the leaves into your yard and use it for proof of vandalism. That’s got to be vandalism, right??
Bunny´s last blog ..Ho-Ho-Halloween
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
anna see says:
oh my goodness. i would not be happy about this either. good fences make good neighbors??
anna see´s last blog ..Eddie Haskell
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Nan says:
You need video evidence too. Could you lurk in the bushes with a videocamera? OR! Hire a private detective to lurk in the bushes! OR, put on a ghouly leaf mask and leeer in at his bedroom window in the dead of night (you may need a ladder)(I am the ghoooost of the leeeaves!). Lurking and leering, bound to scare him to death. Then he’d be well and truly out of the way. Mwahahahhaaaa!
Nan´s last blog ..Scary Stuff
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
OMG.
I would SO blow the leaves right back into his yard.
Did you know I was only the 3rd runner up in the Miss Maturity pageant? True story.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..It’s The Great Pumpkin Fudge, Charlie Brown
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Alison says:
Shut UP! No fucking way! I am getting emotionally involved in this, its just painful. What the hell is wrong with him?
My dad had a long dispute with a neighbor that ended with my father chasing this man (who was on a mower) with a fence post. Now I just have an image of you running after old man river with your spatula or butcher knife (!) chasing him as he wheels himself, using his legs, in his wheelchair. Probably shouldn’t take pictures of that should it come to it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Aliceson says:
No, you need to go pee on HIS lawn. Or if you don’t feel like squatting in the front yard, I have a Saint Bernard you can borrow. He can destroy a lawn in a week.
Think about it.
Aliceson´s last blog ..RTT- Vote Today!
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
HaB says:
Oh my. Not good. I admit, I laughed last week at the whole hose. And, I just figured when I started reading this, that at the end, the hose would be back in your yard. Not that he would blow all his leaves into your yard.
Is it possible to make him something tasty, with large amounts of laxative and ground up leaves as a garnish? Seems very fitting given how un-neighborly he is being.
HaB ´s last blog ..Give_A_Way: Paisley Park Frame Set
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Texan Mama says:
Aw, heyell naw.
Now, you’ve got to put your thinkin’ cap on. You’ve gotta do something to him that will retaliate good. Like, spray paint something in the driveway and let the “overflow” of spray paint go on his grass. PROTECT THE CONCRETE DRIVEWAY but make sure the grass gets it. a lot.
Or, if you have a cat, empty the litter box in his ditch.
Or, put a big pile of shit in a paper bag, then place it on his doorstep, then light it on fire, then ring his doorbell and run. I love that one.
You could always go the “I’m nice and you are to be pitied” route. Like, tell him, “I see you blew all of your leaves into our yard. Do you need someone to cut down your tree for you so that you don’t have so many leaves? I’ve got a chainsaw right here. It’s handy!” or “Was your prostate acting up again? Is that why you couldn’t bag up your leaves after using the leaf blower. I totally understand. I was just telling (insert 2 or 3 neighbor names) about your prostate problem and they really sympathize.”
Either way works. But I like the flaming bag of shit idea best.
Texan Mama´s last blog ..What Age Technology?
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Cameron says:
Isn’t your neighbor in a wheel chair…and like a 100 years old? And he’s getting the best of you?!?!
I’m telling you, a 4 billion watt flood light pointed directly at his house all night, every night will drive him insane in no time.
Cameron´s last blog ..Another Flu Strain (Please Tell Everybody You Know)
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Michelle says:
My vote is for the flood light mentioned by Cameron above. That is AWESOME!
Michelle´s last blog ..And now for the costumes…
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Gina says:
Oh. My. God. What a COCK! next time, go out with your camera and get right up on him, taking photos/video.
Gina´s last blog ..A Halloween Tip
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
MamaBug says:
OK. I have it. Get one of those creatures (ours was a spider from halloween last year) that is made of garbage bags you fill up with leaves and fill it up with his leaves and then pose it, staring at his house. Or place it on his lawn. Or in the tree where he can’t reach it. Ok, too mean?
Or you can be even more mature and fill up the leaf refuse bags and set them on the edge of the driveway and then “accidentally” bump them over with your car, spilling them into his yard.
These are the ways of the wise and passive-aggressive.
I gots a million more of ‘em…..and I’m way too invested in this. I need to go make nice with my neighbor, but I. just. can’t.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Lindsay says:
Oh yeah, I’d def be bagging up the leaves and bringing them to his doorstep!
Lindsay ´s last blog ..MPM
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Shannon says:
What an asshole! Get a BIGGER leafblower!
Shannon´s last blog ..Coming Home
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Cin says:
Grrrrr. I don’t even know this fucking asshole and I want to cut his little leafblower wielding hands off! I love all of the suggestions but really, you MUST do something! Something that would just annoy his wrinkly little ole ass off! I might consider going to the local dog park and collecting a massive amount of dog poo. During the night, evenly distribute the little piles all over his little yard. And while your at it, take an ammonia bottle and squirt here and there. His perfectly little manicured yard will be dead as shit within a week. Then you can blow all the leaves back over there. Asshole.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Catriona says:
I would be upset too, I agree with the flood light! That would drive anyone insane! But be prepared for what he might do next!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Rachel says:
Tonight, under the cover of darkness, rake all of the leaves into his drainage ditch. Or cut the brakes on his wheelchair.
Rachel´s last blog ..Say What?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Elisabeth says:
Salt his yard.
Sam’s club sells 5 lb Morton’s. Get one and go to town tomorrow night. Not only will hs lawn die, but he’ll NEVER be able to grow anything again.
But that might affect your property value.
Move. THEN salt his yard!
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Amy says:
He sounds like the kind of neighbor that would empty his chemical toilet into your sewer while shouting across the street, “Shitter’s full!”
November 4th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Ashlie- Mommycosm says:
I vote for the flood light. My neighbors have one on their garage that practically shoots into our master bedroom. And they like us. It’s horrible – and the perfect retaliation.
Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..Ways for kids to give back during the holidays
November 4th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Daisee579 says:
Blow those suckers back into his yard!! I have a friend who shares a driveway with her pain in the butt neighbor up in Michigan. They get a lot of snow, and this asshat wouldn’t do his fair share of shoveling the drive. So she started shoveling only her side and/or driving through the snow (she has an SUV and he doesn’t). A few days of that and he got the hint. So I say blow those leaves right back and he’ll get the hint.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Jennifer says:
Invest in a fence….This is crap, I think I would not handle it as well as you. Confrontation is the best medicine I mean you can walk right up to the door or mail a letter certified ans say HEY we don’t appreciate things on our property ect…
Good luck be careful he may empty HIS cat litter box at the base of your driveway next
Jennifer´s last blog ..18 and 26 = ?
November 4th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Secret Mom Thoughts says:
OMG! Wow. I have a large yellow lab you can borrow to leave deposits on his lawn. Photograph him next time and call the cops after.
Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday and Wardrobe Wednesday
November 4th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Rachael says:
Seriously is he really that petty? That must be quite taxing for some old geezer in a wheelchair to get out there and blow all of those leaves into your yard. He seriously has a screw loose or a stick went up his butt during the blowing.
I found this on another site and it seems very fitting, maybe you can try the Hefty bag trick or better yet make Cleatus do it. hehe…
“When faced with the capriciousness of nature, one must realize the wisdom of living in a neighborhood with a militant homeowners association that’ll kick someone’s ass for violating certain bylaws.
If you don’t have an HOA, there’s another thing you can try. First, knock on your neighbor’s door wearing nothing but a giant Hefty bag and a naughty smile, then tell him you’ll let him take the bag off of your quivering, naked body if he promises to fill it up with leaves. Problemo solvedeo, muchacha. (Note: Depending on the amount of trees in his yard, this may take some time. Be sure to bring along sunscreen, Gatorade and a few cans of bug repellent.)”
November 5th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Catootes says:
You do have the neighbor from hell, don’t you?
Fencing. I would put up just enough of a fence between the houses to let him know you KNOW he’s a complete douchebag.
Good luck.
Catootes´s last blog ..what I learned
November 5th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Leslie says:
OH NO HE DID NOT! IT IS ON, KARLY! What are you going to do? (I have no suggestions as I am a complete wuss, but if you want to talk about all the things we would love to do, I’m your woman. I CAN TALK ABOUT SHIT ALL NIGHT! And the shit I would talk about doing to him? Dude, it would be so awful, he’d stop fucking with you just hearing it.)
Leslie´s last blog ..Some People Say I Talk Too Much
November 5th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Leslie says:
Okay, I’ve been thinking about my comment up there. And really? I probably don’t even have shit to talk. I have no ideas. But dammit, if I did. I’d tell them to you and it’d be fucking awesome.
Leslie´s last blog ..Some People Say I Talk Too Much
November 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Cin says:
Ammonia will definitely turn it brown, but gas or kerosene will KILL. IT. DEAD. Put some kerosene in a spray bottle and give his manicured yard a squirt squirt every now and again. I’d love to see the frown on his pissy wrinkly face.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
patois says:
Oh my God, isn’t he in a wheelchair or something? With a fucking leafblower. Get a picture, woman! Quick.
Oh, and watch you don’t get busted for elder abuse.
patois´s last blog ..Every Day Should be Veteran’s Day
November 5th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says:
CLEARLY you need to scare the shit out of him.
Invite over a bunch of bikers in leathers to stand in your driveway and just STARE at his house.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Marti says:
You are going about this all wrong. Retaliation only leads to escalation. You want to cool this thing down. You want harmony, don’t you, not perpetual dissenion and upsetment. You want a stomach ulcer over all this?
Make a pot roast and a dessert of some kind. Take it over to him in disposable containers. Apologize for your part in all of this. Offer to help him deal with his leaves. Help him shovel the snow in the winter. Ask if there is anything you can do to help him out.
Geez. SOMEBODY’S got to be the grownup in this situation. It might as well be you. Think of all the good karma points.
November 7th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
candygirlflies says:
“I see you blew all of your leaves into our yard. Do you need someone to cut down your tree for you so that you don’t have so many leaves? I’ve got a chainsaw right here. It’s handy!”
OMG, I absolutely LOVE that one. I can actually IMAGINE that one. Karly, you HAVE TO BUY A CHAINSAW. Make sure you revv it good and LOUD right after you say that line.
And don’t forget to wear one of those “Jason”-type face masks.
He’ll just keel right over, without you even having touched his sad, wrinkly little ass.
Alternatively, if you’re feeling energetic and creative, you could bag those leaves, set them up in a row on your front lawn, and spell out B.A.S.T.A.R.D. on them, with a big arrow pointing towards his house.
Not as much fun as the chainsaw, though. Just a little bit less expensive.
xo CGF
ps. Squirting the lawn with ammonia wouldn’t hurt, either.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
baseballmom says:
um, yeah…much as karma points are nice…I’d be breaking out the TP!
baseballmom´s last blog ..HOUSECLEANING
November 8th, 2009 at 1:39 am
thatgirlblogs says:
time to park your car on the lawn my friend. them’s fighting leaves.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Lagunatic says:
Right now is about the time you start phoning the Mormons, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Vacuum salespeople – you know,,all the annoying door-to-door type folks – and tell them that you’re very interested in what they have to offer and would they like to come over for tea tomorrow…at HIS address.
This is Code Red, yo…time to break it DOWN for the mofo
Lagunatic´s last blog ..I hope he’s not lactose intolerant
November 9th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Jill says:
Well, at least you can rest assured that you’re not the craziest person on the block!
Miss me? xoxo
November 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Cin says:
Ooooohhh…the Mormon thing is a great idea. I might acutally use that one on some people I know. Hmmmm. Please please, do tell what has happened since. I’m dying to know! And to Hell with good karma points.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Papa K says:
Nice. We have a couple with an annoying dog down the way that won’t freakin’ stop barking… but your situation sounds a little more teeth gnashing. You know… if anything… you got a great blog post out of it! Be interested in hearing more about your crazy ass neighbor in the future!!
Papa K´s last blog ..The End Of The World Starts With Britney Spears
November 14th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
corrin says:
What a jackass! It’s time for some ding-dong-ditch.
November 18th, 2009 at 7:04 pm