Sometimes when Cindy-Lu gets scared or nervous or hurt just enough that she has to let us know but not so hurt that she needs to cry she will giggle like a little terrified maniac. It is such a funny little laugh, but it breaks my heart knowing that it isn’t from happiness, but from some emotion that she doesn’t know how to express. You can see in her eyes that she is feeling something and it is confusing to her. At three years old she just isn’t quite sure how to handle it yet. And so it bubbles up in the form of a scared giggle.
Tonight I caused that little giggle and then I betrayed her trust. It was something so silly, so trivial, but the guilt is tremendous.

Earlier today Cleatus was trying to leave for work and Cindy-Lu was blocking the door telling him he couldn’t go. He pulled the door open and somehow caught her foot under it and the door scraped the top of her foot. It wasn’t a bad scrape, but there was a little blood and she was crying and very upset about it. I went and got a band aid for her thinking that would make her feel better. Because I’m cheap I don’t buy children’s band aids (also because neither of my kids ever get hurt enough to need a band aid), so I drew a little smiley face on it for her. (Yes, I am a genius.) She felt a little better but then started in with her “I’m sick” speech and began requesting medicine to make her foot feel better. She is a drama queen.

Later this evening Eeyore thought she asked him to pull her band aid off and started to rip one side off. She freaked out. Those band aids hurt, yo. I fixed it for her, but it wouldn’t stick very well. All night long she was having me push it back on to her little foot. I asked her if she wanted a new one, but she remembered that it hurt when Eeyore had pulled off the first bit and she wasn’t about to go through that again.

I’d fixed her band aid for her a few times when it came undone again. I told her to come to me and she did that nervous little laugh and said “You just going to pix it Mommy!” Well, I wasn’t just going to just fix it. I was going to rip it off and give her a new one. But I nodded my head and told her I was going to fix it. She still wasn’t sure if she should trust me so she slowly walked over to me, laughing that little laugh and sat down next to me.

I smiled gently and I ripped her band aid off. She screamed and she sobbed and I wanted to cry along with her.

It was just a band aid. It wasn’t that big of a deal. And yet, it was. She was nervous, she wasn’t sure if she could trust me and what did I teach her?

I taught her that she couldn’t trust me.

I’m blushing. You guys said some awfully sweet things in the comments of that last post. A few of your comments actually made me cry. But, thats not why I’m blushing.

I hope you all know that I wasn’t fishing for compliments, because while they were truly appreciated, that is not what I was going for. I also realize that my last post kinda sounded more like goodbye than I meant it to. I wasn’t saying goodbye. I was just saying that I probably won’t be around quite so much. I’ll be here…but only when I’m “feeling it.”

Thank you all so much for telling me that I don’t suck. (I didn’t respond in the comments on that post because I didn’t want to say the same thing over and over, which would be: I LOVE YOU DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME PLEASE CIRCLE YES OR NO)

Now, tell me the truth. Does my butt look big in these pants?

I’m going to start this with the dreaded phrase “So, last night I had this dream…” and before y’all go closing the window I just want to clarify that while this is about a dream, its really NOT about a dream. Got it? Now remove your cursor from the red X at the top of your screen before I cut you.

So, last night I had this dream. I dreamt that Cleatus had gone to the doctor for some routine bloodwork and SURPRISE! The doctor told him that his blood work indicated that I was pregnant. With twins! A boy and a girl! (Do not ask how Cleatus’s blood work showed that I was pregnant. We go to very fancy doctors ’round these parts. Mmkay?) Cleatus came back from his doctor’s appointment with my ultrasound pictures and told me the news. (I told you our doctor is bad ass. I wasn’t even in attendance and I got ULTRASOUND PICTURES!) I was so happy. I’m actually very nearly crying right now remembering HOW HAPPY I was. It was just that perfect everything is exactly the way it should be 100% content kind of happiness. I spent the remainder of the night showing my friends and family the ultrasound pictures (which, by the time I had shown quite a few people and told them the news, the ultrasound pics had turned into a sliced onion (?) and they were starting to fall apart and that was kind of sad.) and saying “Twins. A boy and a girl.” and just being happy about being pregnant.

Some of you may remember that Cleatus got a vasectomy a while back. And that right after his vasectomy I hoped thought that I might be pregnant. I’m right back to that place again. That place where I think that MAYBE I could be pregnant. I mean, it HAS happened before, right? Vasectomies don’t always work. Stranger things and all that.

Cindy-Lu came about after trying just two times. In one month. Hell, in one week. I had been BEGGING Cleatus to have another baby for 2 years when he finally agreed. It was March. He said lets do this. We did it. And then I freaked out and changed my mind. I was so worried about day care. I worked and we couldn’t afford for me to quit, but we also wouldn’t be able to afford daycare for two children and the current situation of Eeyore staying with his great-grandparents wouldn’t work out if there was a newborn in the mix. So, after two years, I said nah, lets wait.

Cleatus and I had always used the “pull out” method of birth control. (TMI?) But, we had sex one last time after I had changed my mind without pulling out. And I got pregnant. I’ve always believed that I didn’t get pregnant before that (four years of pulling out! Pulling out is not one of the most effective birth control methods!) because we weren’t BOTH ready. And then he said he was ready. And BAM. I got pregnant. It was like all that time he had just been bossing around his sperm and telling them to stay away from my eggs. Either that or God had a plan. You choose. (I choose option A, because the image of Cleauts lecturing his penis is very humorous to me.)

All I’m trying to say here, I guess, is that these babies from my dream, they could be real, couldn’t they? I mean, I got pregnant so quickly with Cindy-Lu and I WANT this so bad. I have held on to this dream, these babies, all day long and I just can’t let it go.

I told Cleatus about the dream and asked if he would be happy. No. He wouldn’t be. Of course he wouldn’t be. That’s why he got the vasectomy. And I agreed to him getting the vasectomy. I understand why he doesn’t want more children (No, I don’t. Why wouldn’t he want more children?). I DON’T actively go around wishing for babies. He wanted one. I wanted three. We have two.

I just…I wasn’t done. I really wasn’t done yet.

Fucking compromise. Its so dumb.

Do you know what I was doing 3 years ago today? I was sleeping. Exciting stuff, huh? Do you know why I was sleeping? Because at midnight on Dec. 29, 2004 I had to be at the hospital to be induced.

Ouch. Labor hurts.

Do you know what I was doing at 2:01pm on December 29, 2004? I was meeting my sweet baby girl, Cindy-Lu Hoo.

Is she not the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen? Yes. She is.

And then, all of a sudden, she wasn’t my little baby anymore. She was this big one year old girl who ate cake and opened presents and flipped off all the other babies who were already walking by then because damn it she wanted to be carried around.

THEN, she decided to hell with this “little” business. I’m growing the fuck up. Or something like that. And there was this.

But NOW? Now she has decided that 2 is too young. And so she will be 3 instead. (But, if you ask her she insists she is 4. I know she’s lying, because I have no pictures from a 3rd birthday party. Yet.)

And, yes. I totally cried while I was looking at all these picture. So?

My Grandpa died last night. I’ll probably be pretty scarce in the bloggy world for the next week or so.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for him and us. I love you, Internets.