So most of my day is currently spent sitting around and staring at the walls. Which sucks, because my walls are fairly dirty and looking at the dirt all day makes me feel bad about myself. Instead of staring at the walls sometimes I’ll choose to play on the internet (Stumble Upon is my new lover) and sometimes I watch Grey’s Anatomy and, yes, sometimes I even watch Days of Our Lives. All of these things that I do involve sitting and my ass is getting tired of that.

I’m fat and lazy is my point. And I’m tired of it.

I joined a gym yesterday. With Cleatus. We both joined. The kids even joined although the only thing they are allowed to do is be babysat in the “Kidz Club” which, seriously, I’d have a little more faith in their babysitting capabilities if they spelled “Kidz Club” with an “s” instead of a “z”, but whatever, I’m perfectly happy leaving my children with mediocre babysitterz in exchange for a nice long workout where I can burn calories and build muscles and oh, who am I kidding? I just go sit on the bench in the locker room and read a book in the peace and quiet while my children are looked after by high school kid who can’t even spell the word kids. (I actually did work out yesterday, but it was my first time. I had to work out! Today? I plan on just reading the book.) (Oh, I’m just joking. I’ll work out. Promise.)

I went yesterday for the first time and I’m going AGAIN today. Two days in a row! It’s like I’m some athletic person who cares about their health or something. It’s also like I told Cleatus that if I lost 15 pounds then I was going to buy myself THE MOST BESTEST GYM BAG EVAH.

Kate Spade? I love you.

Cleatus was working nights last night, so while he was at work I emailed him the link for the bag. That didn’t take long and I was bored so I started doing a bit more shopping. I found a swing for our backyard that we need. If by need you mean REALLY WANT. I emailed him that link as well. Then I found a new desk for and I emailed him the link for that. Then I sent him an email informing him that Toys R Us had Nintendo DS games buy two get one free and should I get Eeyore some? And then? Then I priced airline tickets for our trip to Colorado for his cousin’s wedding this fall and saw that the ticket prices had DOUBLED since the last time I checked. So I sent him an email saying “Oh, sorry, ticket prices have doubled, can not afford!” I didn’t realize until he called me from work to say something along the lines of “I am not motherfucking Santa Clause” that I had just sent him links to all these things I wanted to buy and then told him SORRY, CAN’T GO TO THE FAMILY WEDDING, TOO EXPENSIVE! I’m such a winner wife. He loves me.

Oh, and good news, the tickets didn’t actually double. It just turns out that if you price the tickets through the actual airline they are twice as much as they are through priceline or orbitz. So, it looks like I get my wish list and he still gets to visit family. But if it came right down to it? I think we both knew who would get what and his family? Well, they could maybe see him next year. Unless I needed some new shoes or something.

My husband is so far out of the blog world that you wouldn’t even believe it. I mean, really. I, lover of all blogs, am his wife. I talk about people from blogs like they were, you know, REAL PEOPLE or something. I myself write a blog (this one, even!). I talk about ads and stats and design and comments and wordpress and all those bloggy things that we bloggers like to talk about. Still. HE DOESN’T GET IT.

He doesn’t read my blog, he doesn’t read your blog, he doesn’t BLOG. Some might say he thinks blogging is dumb, but I won’t say that, because I’m married to him and have promised to love him through sickness and health, and yes, even through differences of opinion. That means staying married when someone thinks blogging is dumb.

The point of all this is to say that Cleatus DOESN’T GET IT. He has no interest in blogging and has no idea about any of it. Which is why I was EXTRA HURT when he insulted me yesterday. And you. HE INSULTED US ALL. Because, you see, he may not know anything about blogging, but he knows EXACTLY how to offend us bloggers.

We were driving down the road and I called him a dickhead (this happens quite often if you were curious) and that led to a discussion about whether or not I was calling him the head of a dick or a dick for a head. He believes that it a head for a dick, but I explained that the majority of you commented on that post and insisted that it was the head of a dick. Brace yourselves for his response.

In a very snide and hateful tone he replied “I don’t really think that a bunch of MOMMY BLOGGERS know that much about insults. If you want to know the correct way to curse ask a SAILOR not a MOMMY BLOGGER.”

Oh, no he din’t. But, he did. He really did.

I obviously don’t mind the term mommy blogger (see my tag line) but I know that some bloggers who happen to be mothers take offense to that term. And that was my husband’s goal. To offend. THE BASTARD.

Go ahead y’all. Rip him to shreds in the comment section. He deserves it.

Bring it, you mommy bloggers.

I’m not sure what it was that changed Cleatus’s mind concerning the cost of the camera being SO EXTRAVAGANT AND RIDICULOUS AND ARE WE MADE OF MONEEEEEEYYYY?, but I’m happy that he did change his mind. IN FACT! I’m so happy that I just can’t stop buying cameras!

I ran to Sears the other day to return FIVE of the SIX swimsuits I ordered from Land’s End. You see, I hate trying swimsuits on and dressing room mirrors are so HATEFUL so I decided to just charge a million dollars worth of very expensive swimsuits on my credit card and then RETURN the ones I didn’t want after I tried them on in front of my LESS HATEFUL mirror at home. (It is less hateful because it is not full length. It stops at my thighs. Half of me is better than all of me. Trust me.)

As I was saying, I went to Sears to return the swimsuits and get mah money back. For some reason Cleatus had been hyperventilating every time he saw the box of swimsuits and, quite frankly, I was getting tired of him asking WHEN ARE YOU RETURNING THESE? TODAY? TOMORROW? RIGHT NOW? so I just decided to get it out of the way.

AND SINCE I WAS ALREADY THERE! I decided to stop by the electronics department and check out their cameras. You know, because I have this tree? In my backyard? It grows all this money? And so I spend it. To keep the tree healthy! It’s like dead heading the flowers or something! ITS GOOD FOR THE TREE, I SWEAR!

Back in the electronics department there was one lone DSLR camera on display and a big mess all over the place. I walked up to check out the camera and lo, it was the Sony A100! One of the cameras I was considering when I bough the Nikon! Unfortunately I couldn’t get it turned on, but with the help of Rob, my helpful electronics salesman, I had it turned on and was taking pictures. I wasn’t sure how much I loved it, because it was just so DIFFERENT than the Nikon that I had fallen in love with at home. It WAS on sale though for just $519. BARGAIN!

Rob promptly burst my bubble and told me that they were remodeling and didn’t actually have any Sony A100s in stock other than one that had been returned. He showed me the box and I noticed that it had a price of $489 on it! BIGGER BARGAIN! He didn’t know why it had been returned but assured me that it was working.

I am weak, okay? I am not made of stone. When someone tells me that something is ON SALE I feel that it is my duty to BUY IT! Especially if that something is THE VERY LAST ONE THEY HAVE, THE END. So I told Rob to ring that bitch up, SCAN THAT BITCH RIGHT NOW, ROB! SCAN IT BEFORE CLEATUS REALIZES I HAVE BEEN GONE TO LONG AND CALLS THE BANK TO CANCEL MY CARD! And then I calmly reached for my wallet.

Y’all. I very nearly DIED when Rob told me that OH LOOK! IT RANG UP FOR ONLY $360! Three. Hundred. And. Sixty. American. Dollars. For a camera that was normally around $550. JACKPOT!

But then Rob did something mean. Something very very mean that I was very very sad about. He pulled out a LENS. A real goooooood lens, man. And he told me it was ONLY $220. I looked at Rob. I looked at my credit card. I looked at the lens. I looked at the guy standing next to Rob, staring at me, wondering if I would do it.

“Rob,” I said, “let me get this camera home and see how much trouble I am already in. I’ll come back if it isn’t too bad.”

The guy next to Rob started laughing and making a joke about how I was going to be in trouble.

I looked him in the eye and said “You won’t be laughing if I come back here to return this camera and I HAVE A BLACK EYE.”

Oh, you’re right. I didn’t really say that. But, I wanted to, man. I really did. Instead I just kissed Rob right on the lips, thanked him for my REALLY GOOD DEAL, and got the hell outta there.

Cleatus didn’t even have a stroke. He DID remind me a couple times (by couple, I totally mean FIFTY OR MORE) that I would have to take one of them back. Sooner rather than later. And then he got a paper bag and started breathing in to it all funny like.

Doesn’t he know that all that money is just going to grow right back? DEAD HEADING! It is GOOD for the tree!

You know, I have this theory. My theory is simple really. And, honestly, not as much a theory as a fact. But, we’ll call it a theory just so we don’t hurt any feelings. (I just spent ten minutes googling whether I was allowed to start a sentence with a conjuction, and guess what! I am!) My theory: Men suck.

What is their problem, anyway? Why are they so DUMB?

Cleatus spent the afternoon doing something to our toilet tank. He had to take the whole damn thing off and then he replaced the old insides with new insides. I was very proud of him. BUT! He then left a bunch of dirty grimy mess from his tools and whatnot all over the bathroom sink. Keep in mind that this dirt and grime was coming from the TOILET and the floor next to the toilet that my seven year old son and 27 year old husband regularly pee on. Plus…FECAL MATTER! On my sink! Why does he start a job and then leave the mess and expect me to clean it up? That makes me want to scream.

Later I went in to the kitchen to put a pizza in the oven cook a highly nutritious meal for our family and I noticed that he had left his gloves laying on the counter top. The same gloves that he used for FIXING THE TOILET. So now the poop is also on my kitchen counter! Yay! I yelled in to him to ask what to do with them and he shouted back for me to just throw them away. OH MY GOD. The counter and the garbage are in the same room just a few steps from each other. Is he seriously to lazy to just throw the fuckers in the garbage? I yelled at him. Oh, yes, I did. Dumbass.

Then! Even later he was changing the light bulb in the kitchen for me and had to open a new package of light bulbs. What do you suppose he did with the light bulbs he didn’t use? If you guessed left them on the counter you would be right. When I (again) yelled in to him that he was so god damn annoying he shouted back “Do you want me to come clean up my mess?” Yes! Yes, I do. And then I want bang my head against the wall, because dear god, what is the fucking problem here? Am I your god damn mother?

PMS. I gots it. And yes, this would all be HIGHLY IRRITATING even if I weren’t PMSing, but I wouldn’t normally blog it. Today though? Must blog about the dumbness that is my husband.

Not only does PMS make me irritable it also makes me weepy. Which means that when Field of Dreams came on TV last night I cried like a little bitch. Not just girly little tears running down my cheeks. I was sobbing. I was doing the funny breathe thing even. FIELD OF DREAMS! Yeah, it can be emotional, but I was crying at EVERYTHING.

The end.

Lately Cindy-Lu has been extra…toddler-ish. And by toddler-ish I totally mean ANNOYING. She does something naughty and laughs. You tell her no and she does it anyway. She throws herself down to the floor in a tantrum and five seconds later she pops up and giggles at you while asking for candy. She, um, she’s not very fun to be around lately.

Tonight Cleatus was trying to piss and I hear him yelling “Why do you have to be so annoying?” to her. I giggled, because dude she totally is annoying. But, she makes annoying cute so you can’t get TOO mad at her.

When he came out I said “Welcome to my world,” and he replied “You don’t have to stop her from walking through your stream of urine.” Every time he pees she tries to touch the “water.” He stands there with one hand on his weiner and the other on her head holding her back. Tonight she got smart. “Oh, I know!” she said after he pushed her back. She walked to the other side and tried to get to the pee that way. “No you don’t know!” he said back and pushed her away again. “Oh, I know!” she said again and went behind him and tried to walk between his legs.

I no longer wish I could pee standing up.

However, it still isn’t fun to be me. She insists that I spread my legs when I pee so that she can “see the water!” Its a little weird, but if I don’t comply I have to listen to her bitch. So, yeah. I let her watch. Like you wouldn’t do the same damn thing!

She’s now peeing in the potty quite a bit, but she’s only pooped a couple times. Does this mean I have to show her how the poop comes out? Because, if thats the case, I quit. Someone else can be her mommy. Any takers?

This picture is here to convince you that she is so cute you wouldn’t mind letting her watch you poo.