I’ve mentioned before that I tend to pee the bed when I eat too much watermelon. But, ya know, I don’t REALLY pee the bed. I mean not, like, EVERY time I eat watermelon. I have to eat a fair amount of watermelon for there to be any bladder issues. I know what I can handle and I just limit my watermelon eating to a few bites. BUT! Cleatus has been working third shift and ITS SUMMER and there is all this watermelon in my refrigerator begging to be eaten. I totally peed the bed the other night. And I didn’t even care. And I might do it again tonight. I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED.

Tomorrow is my husband’s family reunion. I hate these things. HATE THEM. Tomorrow is also a Renaissance Fair that only happens once a year and is TOTALLY something Eeyore would FREAK OUT ABOUT. He LURVES all things knight and castle and medieval-y. So yeah. FREE PASS! But then I started feeling guilty because everyone else thinks I am HORRIBLE, JUST HORRIBLE! for making Cleatus skip the family reunion to go to a Renaissance Fair. Am I horrible? BECAUSE, REALLY. Family reunion with the in-laws. WHO ENJOYS THAT?

My history and language arts curriculum for next year arrived today. And now I’m all excited to start school again. What the hell? We’ve been on summer break for three fucking weeks. I NEED MORE TIME. I will not get excited about school. School is not cool. Amen.

Cleatus and I went to this MAJOR garage sale today. A public school teacher of 25 years was retiring and selling off all her stuff and her sister, who has homeschooled for 20 years or so, was also selling some of her stuff. It was the biggest, most bad-assed garage sale ever.

Cleatus and I were out in public and stuff today. And he kept getting all sneaky and looking to see if anyone was looking at us and then he would GRAB MY BOOB. “Ya think anyone’s looking?” and then BAM! HANDFUL OF BOOB. I felt like a teenager. Minus the perky part.

Grey’s Anatomy blah blah am addicted blah blah dreamt of McDreamy last night blah blah blah yes really blah blah blah might need medical intervention blah blah for real not just because I want McDreamy to operate blah blah blah must surgically remove Netflix from my life blah blah blah LOOOOOOOVE.

Normally I would use bullets for a post like this, but I thought y’all might be sick of the bullets, so I decided to TRICK YOU. (And then tell you about it. I’M SO HONEST!) Are you sick of the bullets?

Today was Crazy Hair Day at VBS. Look.

Baby Jesus wept with joy.

It seems as though my daughter reads my blog. Sure, she’s only three and she can’t figure out how to access the internet but OBVIOUSLY she reads this blog. When she read that I might accidentally stab her she got scared and decided to be all cute again.

See? Cute. 

Today I have heard such things as “Tell me I’m your girl, Mum!” and “Lemme kiss your cheek for you.” and “I will be your friend!”

Motherhood. It’s a fucking roller coaster ride.

In other news…oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have news. No wait! Maybe I do.

I like Eeyore, too!

I ordered a couple of computer programs (For free! Just had to pay shipping! Homeschooling is so cool! What’s not cool about homeschooling? I also ordered $600 worth of history and language arts programs for next year. Up next? Another $300 or $400 on math and science and other crap! And all of that is for ONE child! Homeschooling sucks ass!) for Eeyore and one of them was Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. I got it all set up for him tonight and he started his first lesson. I’m proud to announce that he types 4 (FOUR!) WPM. FUTURE BLOGGER!

I might suck at typing, but I can blow some bad ass bubbles. 

 Eh, who cares if he can’t type for shit. He can play Jingle Bells on the piano and he makes a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and DAMN IT, he’s cute.

Dear Comcast,

When I call to tell you that my internet is down AGAIN and you tell me to restart my computer that is SLIGHTLY annoying. Especially considering the fact that I just told you that the ONLY TIME my internet stops working is AFTER RESTARTING MY COMPUTER. Also, when you ask me to open Internet Explorer, click on Tools and then Accounts, you are just going to have to FIGURE OUT SOMETHING ELSE when I tell you that there is no Accounts option under Tools. Do not tell me to go to the start menu and look for some program called Microsoft Outlook Internet Explorer, because you see, Outlook and Explorer ARE TWO DIFFERENT PROGRAMS. Tell me which one you want me to open and I will do it. I am not dumb, quit talking to me like I am.

Sincerely,

Karly

*****

Dear Christian Homeschool E-Mail Group Members,

Most of you are great. I love this e-mail group because of the field trips, the play dates, and the other ideas that I hear about. But, it is SERIOUSLY FUCKING ANNOYING that I get daily e-mails about how to raise my daughter. And by RAISING MY DAUGHTER, I mean that you tell me to keep her home, teach her to sew, cook and clean, and not to send her to college because SHE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED until marriage. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What year is this? Seriously. This just PISSES ME OFF.

Also, when someone mentions to beware of ticks because they just found one on their child, please do not send out an email telling everyone NOT TO GET WORKED UP ABOUT TICKS and to just TRUST IN GOD. Again, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Should we also just go set ourselves on fire and TRUST that GOD will piss on us to put us out?

Sincerely,

Karly

*****

Dear Cindy-Lu,

I realize that you are only 3 years old and also FEMALE. Obviously you are going to be a bit of a bitch on most days. I accept that. But, SO HELP ME GOD, if you start screaming and crying about your cousin taking away your favorite INVISIBLE PRETEND birthday presents, I will hurt you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Mommy

*****

Dear Eeyore,

Thank you for being such a good kid. Thank you for always being patient and kind and helpful with your sister and with me. You really are the best little boy anyone could ever want and some days it is YOU that keeps me from going insane.
Love,

Mommy

God, I love this baby.

A Day In The Life from Karly on Vimeo.

Dell finally shipped my laptop and it arrived this morning. I am not so good with changes, but getting a new computer is always exciting to me. However, this one? Is totally different from my other laptop. It runs Vista instead of XP and I’m not so thrilled about that, but I will deal. Right?

To celebrate the arrival of my new laptop I decided to take the children to McDonald’s to play in the germ tubes while I surfed the net. I am a good mother and would rather my chidlren have fun contracting various contagious diseases while I hoover french fries in to my mouth. The alternative was to stay home and try to block out the sounds of them begging me to play with them while I tried to get acquainted with my new boyfriend computer. Trust me. This is preferable. Also? I will be out of town for the weekend, so any germs they bring home will be going with them to their grandma’s house. No worries here!

I have only brought the kids to McDonald’s to play a few times before and each time I do I am SHOCKED by the people here. This place is worse than Wal-Mart. Just now I am sitting a few tables away from a family of five. There is a man in a suit, a woman in a HORRID dress, a grandma, and two kids. The grandma and the kids are in ratty clothes, but the parents are all dressed up. I am quite nosy so I was trying to figure out why they were all dressed up. It was pretty obvious the two don’t dress up often, so I was fairly certain these weren’t work clothes. Unless their regular work clothes consist of pimp suits and hooker boots. Turns out they had just gone to the courthouse and gotten married. And were now celebrating with a fancy lunch out at McDonalds. High class, peole. High class.

The reason I know this is because the lady at the table directly next to them keeps loudly butting in to their conversation and asking questions. “Oh, you just got married? Like JUST NOW?” she screeches. They confirm that yes, they were just married, and the loud lady says “Oh, I’m just nosy! I’m always butting in to peoples conversations!” Like I said…HIGH CLASS!

Also, I smell pee.

The children keep running out of the tunnels and coming over to interrupt me. These tunnels should really come with some sort of automatic lockng door. A child goes in, the door slides closed and locks. When the parent is ready to leave they just push a button and the tunnels suction the child out. It would be like a vacuum in reverse, shooting children out of the tunnels so that the parents do not have to stand there and screech at them to HURRY UP ITS TIME TO GO, GOD DAMN IT I SAID NOW YOU LITTLE FUCKERS.

Seeing as how my local McDonald’s does not have this feature I should probably go stand at the edge of the tunnels and begin shouting now.