I’ve mentioned before that I tend to pee the bed when I eat too much watermelon. But, ya know, I don’t REALLY pee the bed. I mean not, like, EVERY time I eat watermelon. I have to eat a fair amount of watermelon for there to be any bladder issues. I know what I can handle and I just limit my watermelon eating to a few bites. BUT! Cleatus has been working third shift and ITS SUMMER and there is all this watermelon in my refrigerator begging to be eaten. I totally peed the bed the other night. And I didn’t even care. And I might do it again tonight. I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED.

Tomorrow is my husband’s family reunion. I hate these things. HATE THEM. Tomorrow is also a Renaissance Fair that only happens once a year and is TOTALLY something Eeyore would FREAK OUT ABOUT. He LURVES all things knight and castle and medieval-y. So yeah. FREE PASS! But then I started feeling guilty because everyone else thinks I am HORRIBLE, JUST HORRIBLE! for making Cleatus skip the family reunion to go to a Renaissance Fair. Am I horrible? BECAUSE, REALLY. Family reunion with the in-laws. WHO ENJOYS THAT?

My history and language arts curriculum for next year arrived today. And now I’m all excited to start school again. What the hell? We’ve been on summer break for three fucking weeks. I NEED MORE TIME. I will not get excited about school. School is not cool. Amen.

Cleatus and I went to this MAJOR garage sale today. A public school teacher of 25 years was retiring and selling off all her stuff and her sister, who has homeschooled for 20 years or so, was also selling some of her stuff. It was the biggest, most bad-assed garage sale ever.

Cleatus and I were out in public and stuff today. And he kept getting all sneaky and looking to see if anyone was looking at us and then he would GRAB MY BOOB. “Ya think anyone’s looking?” and then BAM! HANDFUL OF BOOB. I felt like a teenager. Minus the perky part.

Grey’s Anatomy blah blah am addicted blah blah dreamt of McDreamy last night blah blah blah yes really blah blah blah might need medical intervention blah blah for real not just because I want McDreamy to operate blah blah blah must surgically remove Netflix from my life blah blah blah LOOOOOOOVE.

Normally I would use bullets for a post like this, but I thought y’all might be sick of the bullets, so I decided to TRICK YOU. (And then tell you about it. I’M SO HONEST!) Are you sick of the bullets?

Today was Crazy Hair Day at VBS. Look.

Baby Jesus wept with joy.

On Friday I mentioned that I was going out of town for the weekend. It was finally time for the 2008 Shopping Trip Version 1.0 and 1.1. Version 1.0 was shopping in St. Louis at the St. Louis Mills outlet mall and hooboy, did we ever shop. Version 1.1 was shopping at the Tanger Factory Outlet in Tuscola, IL and hooboy, did we ever…wait. Didn’t I just say that?

Saturday morning my mom, my aunt, and I headed down to St. Louis and shopped our little hearts out. I bought clothes for Cindy-Lu, clothes for Eeyore, clothes for Cindy-Lu and some clothes for Eeyore. Oh, did I mention that I bought some clothes? For my kids? Because I did.

Saturday evening we headed to our hotel where the front desk man, Daryl, proceeded to give us chocolate chip cookies and milk. Because, obviously, we looked as though we were famished. After I dropped my cookie on the floor, picked it up and ate it, and then listened to a lecture about how the dirt at a hotel is different from the dirt at home and I should not be eating off the floor, I realized that OH, HI! Started my period!

My mama came prepared with tampons (extra super plus, regular, and light) and some maxi-pads from Kroger that make her woo-hoo smell good. Unfortunately she doesn’t use the maxi-pads with wings because the wings make her woo-hoo sweat and I happen to prefer the wings to contain all that, um, blood. So! We headed down to the front desk to ask Daryl for directions to the nearest drugstore so that I would not wake up in the middle of the night lying in a puddle of, um, blood.

Daryl had only been working the front desk at the hotel for 2 days, but he knew what he was doing. He had a map already drawn up and everything. I politely inquired about where I may find a Walgreens or CVS and sweet, dumb Daryl asked me what I might be looking to purchase, because the Shell gas station down the road carried just about everything and was just so much closer. As he was speaking the words to me my mind was screaming out things like TYLENOL! TELL DARYL YOU NEED TYLENOL! NO WAIT! THEY WILL HAVE TYLENOL AT THE GAS STATION!

Before I could carry through with my plan (which was to fake a seizure and fall to the floor) my mama spoke.

“Maxi-pads. She needs some maxi-pads.” And then she started cackling like a witch.

At this point all I could do was nod that yes, indeed, I do need me some maxi-pads. I also said a little prayer that my aunt would not inform Daryl that the maxi-pads needed to come equipped with wings. I can only take so much embarassment, ya know?

Daryl assured me that the Shell gas station carried a nice assortment of feminine products and told us where to go. Daryl is a liar, because the gas station only carried two types of maxi-pads and neither happened to be the kind that I preferred, but I was a trooper and I got the crappy maxi-pads.

It really did all work out, though, because after I mentioned the crappiness of the maxi-pads and the likeliness of my awaking in a puddle of blood, my mom and aunt decided to share a bed and let me enjoy sleeping alone.

It appears as though I am about to be old. Officially old. In just two weeks I’ll be turning 26. Which, if you round up, is actually 30. (Yes, I know I should have been rounding this year as well, because 25 rounded is actually 30, but DENIAL!) Oh, dear God.

So far, though, it sounds as if 26 is going to be a pretty good year.

Cleatus and I married so young and had kids so young that we’ve always been on the poor side of things. Not actually POOR, but we’ve never had extra money. We’re suddenly in a much better place and, for that reason, 26 is gonna be good. (Assuming I don’t fall over dead from old age.)

We have a “fantasy suite” booked at a hotel for my birthday. Its a space room with a circular bed with all this chrome and flashy lights so it looks like a UFO. (No, Mom. No, Kim. This does not mean I believe in ALIENS.) It has a fancy jacuzzi with more flashy lights and stuff.

But where is the stripper pole?

We have plans for Eeyore’s birthday in April to go to Medieval Times and this museum that I have been wanting to go to since Eeyore was 3 years old. We’re going to stay in another hotel, this time with a couple of good old fashioned rectangular beds and two squirmy kids who will no doubt request to sleep not together but with one of us each. And we will let them.

THEN! In June we are going to the Smoky Mountains, thanks to Gina, Pam, Heather, and Melissa for suggesting it way back when I begged for suggestions. I think we’ve finally got our cabin chosen and we are booking it today! WOOT! (I previously swore never to use that term, but felt that it was warranted in this situation.)

And in September? We are going to Aspen for a week to attend a wedding.

For a family that has only been on one other “real” vacation together this is an exciting year. Sure, we’ve done overnights and things like that, but this trip to the Smokies is our first REAL vacation ALONE as a little FAMILY. I can’t wait. (I also can’t wait to bump my head on the ceiling of that circular bed.)

What exciting plans do you have for this year?

Happy 2008!

Hope that your New Year’s Eve party is filled with homemade pizza, homemade Chex Mix, fresh squeezed lemonade spiked with vodka and left over birthday cake. Oh, and games too. And maybe a couple movies.

See ya next year! (Lame, I know. But, I’m hanging out with kids who have crowns on their heads and blankets draped over their shoulders. They are running through the house shouting “I am the King!” I’m feeling lame, okay?)

So, uh. Yeah. Last night. Got trashed. Didn’t blog. Am blogging now, hangover style. Will start using complete sentences in next paragraph. Gives you something to look forward to. You ready? Go.

Cleatus has family in from out of state for his brother’s wedding (which is happening in approximately 30 hours) and we invited over the bride, groom, cousin from out of state and groom’s friend last night. Fun was had. Vodka was consumed.

A few years ago, when this cousin was in from out of state (we shall call him Nate) (because that is his name), we had a party and I drank Nate under the table. He ended up puking bright red Hawaiian Punch/vodka all over his white tennis shoes and my living room floor. He started at the entrance to my living room and puked in a puddle and then bent over to wipe it up. Then needed to puke more so he started walking to the bathroom, got a few feet from the first puddle of puke and puked again. And then tried to wipe it up. Rinse and repeat and you have a big ol’ trail of vomit with some paper towels smeared around in there. Good times.

I knew we needed a repeat of that night (because we now have wood floors instead of carpet, so vomit? No biggie.), because it was SO MUCH FUN. Up ’til the puking anyway.

The bride (who shall be called Tara) (again, dudes, its her name), Nate and I all did a shot or two and then we all started playing spoons. Tara can kick some major ass at spoons. I did not win, despite my sneaky stacking of the deck. I don’t know WHY people always feel the need to shuffle the cards after they see someone arranging the deck just so. Some people are just weird like that.

We soon moved on to Bullshit (the best game ever) where I proceeded to get my ass kicked. This possibly had something to do with the fact that every time I lied I would start giggling like a maniac and hide my face behind my big hand full of cards.

We had fun. The end.

Oh no….that’s right. There is more.

I went to sleep and then I woke up.

And then I died a little bit. Because my head? Oh, my head. It does hurt. I have NEVER in my life experienced a headache the likes of this. And, you know, today is the rehearsal dinner and family pictures, so I kind of hafta MOVE and stuff today.

I got out of bed after rolling around for half an hour clutching a pillow to my head in some weird attempt to fall back asleep that just didn’t work. I stood up. I was good. No pukey, no dizzy, nothing.

And then I met my nemesis.

Sunlight.

My eyeballs promptly exploded and I am now typing this with dried eyeball goo streaked down my face. ‘

I should probably go wash my face or something.