If you are wondering where I have been the last couple of days, well, I shouldn’t tell you. It’s embarassing really. And it only explains where I was last night. Not the last few days. You see, there is this newfangled thing called Netflix? And if you tell them what movies you want they send them to you. For example, you could maybe tell them you want the entire first season of Grey’s Anatomy if you’d never seen it before. And then? They would ship it right to your house! And you could park your ass in front of the television for 6 straight hours and fall in love with Dr. McDreamy.

So that’s what I did last night. I watched an entire season of televison in one night. It was heavenly. And then I woke Cleatus up and made him do me while I pretended he was McDreamy.

On Thursday I went shopping. I love shopping. I didn’t buy any new cameras though. I’m trying to practice some self restraint. I did, however, buy my babies some new clothes. And Cleatus some deodorant and razors. And me some…you know? I don’t think I bought myself anything. I should remedy that. Online shopping!

The only problem with online shopping is that you don’t get all the interaction with the other shoppers. For instance, while I was on my way to the mall I was behind a guy in a big black SUV. We were both turning left and as he turned I could see him in his side mirror. I don’t know why I really even noticed him, but I did. I wish that I hadn’t, because he scarred me for life.

I looked in to his mirror just as he popped his index finger in his mouth for a quick suck and then STUCK THE FINGER UP HIS NOSE. I’m a bit confused about this. Had he already picked his nose and was eating it? And then picking it again? Or was he LUBING his finger up? Was his finger so big it was uncomfortable without a bit of lube on it? WHAT WAS HE DOING?

I can’t stop wondering about this. And picturing the finger going from the mouth to the nose. And then gagging.  Any ideas?  Do any of YOU lube up your finger before shoving it up your nose? Or do you suppose he was just eating a previous find? It really didn’t look like he was eating. I mean he just popped it in and right back out, no chewing or anything.

HALP! What was he DOING?

Also, yes, I do feel the need to share these disgusting booger stories with you. After all, this IS Wiping Up Snot you are reading.

I’m not sure what it was that changed Cleatus’s mind concerning the cost of the camera being SO EXTRAVAGANT AND RIDICULOUS AND ARE WE MADE OF MONEEEEEEYYYY?, but I’m happy that he did change his mind. IN FACT! I’m so happy that I just can’t stop buying cameras!

I ran to Sears the other day to return FIVE of the SIX swimsuits I ordered from Land’s End. You see, I hate trying swimsuits on and dressing room mirrors are so HATEFUL so I decided to just charge a million dollars worth of very expensive swimsuits on my credit card and then RETURN the ones I didn’t want after I tried them on in front of my LESS HATEFUL mirror at home. (It is less hateful because it is not full length. It stops at my thighs. Half of me is better than all of me. Trust me.)

As I was saying, I went to Sears to return the swimsuits and get mah money back. For some reason Cleatus had been hyperventilating every time he saw the box of swimsuits and, quite frankly, I was getting tired of him asking WHEN ARE YOU RETURNING THESE? TODAY? TOMORROW? RIGHT NOW? so I just decided to get it out of the way.

AND SINCE I WAS ALREADY THERE! I decided to stop by the electronics department and check out their cameras. You know, because I have this tree? In my backyard? It grows all this money? And so I spend it. To keep the tree healthy! It’s like dead heading the flowers or something! ITS GOOD FOR THE TREE, I SWEAR!

Back in the electronics department there was one lone DSLR camera on display and a big mess all over the place. I walked up to check out the camera and lo, it was the Sony A100! One of the cameras I was considering when I bough the Nikon! Unfortunately I couldn’t get it turned on, but with the help of Rob, my helpful electronics salesman, I had it turned on and was taking pictures. I wasn’t sure how much I loved it, because it was just so DIFFERENT than the Nikon that I had fallen in love with at home. It WAS on sale though for just $519. BARGAIN!

Rob promptly burst my bubble and told me that they were remodeling and didn’t actually have any Sony A100s in stock other than one that had been returned. He showed me the box and I noticed that it had a price of $489 on it! BIGGER BARGAIN! He didn’t know why it had been returned but assured me that it was working.

I am weak, okay? I am not made of stone. When someone tells me that something is ON SALE I feel that it is my duty to BUY IT! Especially if that something is THE VERY LAST ONE THEY HAVE, THE END. So I told Rob to ring that bitch up, SCAN THAT BITCH RIGHT NOW, ROB! SCAN IT BEFORE CLEATUS REALIZES I HAVE BEEN GONE TO LONG AND CALLS THE BANK TO CANCEL MY CARD! And then I calmly reached for my wallet.

Y’all. I very nearly DIED when Rob told me that OH LOOK! IT RANG UP FOR ONLY $360! Three. Hundred. And. Sixty. American. Dollars. For a camera that was normally around $550. JACKPOT!

But then Rob did something mean. Something very very mean that I was very very sad about. He pulled out a LENS. A real goooooood lens, man. And he told me it was ONLY $220. I looked at Rob. I looked at my credit card. I looked at the lens. I looked at the guy standing next to Rob, staring at me, wondering if I would do it.

“Rob,” I said, “let me get this camera home and see how much trouble I am already in. I’ll come back if it isn’t too bad.”

The guy next to Rob started laughing and making a joke about how I was going to be in trouble.

I looked him in the eye and said “You won’t be laughing if I come back here to return this camera and I HAVE A BLACK EYE.”

Oh, you’re right. I didn’t really say that. But, I wanted to, man. I really did. Instead I just kissed Rob right on the lips, thanked him for my REALLY GOOD DEAL, and got the hell outta there.

Cleatus didn’t even have a stroke. He DID remind me a couple times (by couple, I totally mean FIFTY OR MORE) that I would have to take one of them back. Sooner rather than later. And then he got a paper bag and started breathing in to it all funny like.

Doesn’t he know that all that money is just going to grow right back? DEAD HEADING! It is GOOD for the tree!

On Friday I mentioned that I was going out of town for the weekend. It was finally time for the 2008 Shopping Trip Version 1.0 and 1.1. Version 1.0 was shopping in St. Louis at the St. Louis Mills outlet mall and hooboy, did we ever shop. Version 1.1 was shopping at the Tanger Factory Outlet in Tuscola, IL and hooboy, did we ever…wait. Didn’t I just say that?

Saturday morning my mom, my aunt, and I headed down to St. Louis and shopped our little hearts out. I bought clothes for Cindy-Lu, clothes for Eeyore, clothes for Cindy-Lu and some clothes for Eeyore. Oh, did I mention that I bought some clothes? For my kids? Because I did.

Saturday evening we headed to our hotel where the front desk man, Daryl, proceeded to give us chocolate chip cookies and milk. Because, obviously, we looked as though we were famished. After I dropped my cookie on the floor, picked it up and ate it, and then listened to a lecture about how the dirt at a hotel is different from the dirt at home and I should not be eating off the floor, I realized that OH, HI! Started my period!

My mama came prepared with tampons (extra super plus, regular, and light) and some maxi-pads from Kroger that make her woo-hoo smell good. Unfortunately she doesn’t use the maxi-pads with wings because the wings make her woo-hoo sweat and I happen to prefer the wings to contain all that, um, blood. So! We headed down to the front desk to ask Daryl for directions to the nearest drugstore so that I would not wake up in the middle of the night lying in a puddle of, um, blood.

Daryl had only been working the front desk at the hotel for 2 days, but he knew what he was doing. He had a map already drawn up and everything. I politely inquired about where I may find a Walgreens or CVS and sweet, dumb Daryl asked me what I might be looking to purchase, because the Shell gas station down the road carried just about everything and was just so much closer. As he was speaking the words to me my mind was screaming out things like TYLENOL! TELL DARYL YOU NEED TYLENOL! NO WAIT! THEY WILL HAVE TYLENOL AT THE GAS STATION!

Before I could carry through with my plan (which was to fake a seizure and fall to the floor) my mama spoke.

“Maxi-pads. She needs some maxi-pads.” And then she started cackling like a witch.

At this point all I could do was nod that yes, indeed, I do need me some maxi-pads. I also said a little prayer that my aunt would not inform Daryl that the maxi-pads needed to come equipped with wings. I can only take so much embarassment, ya know?

Daryl assured me that the Shell gas station carried a nice assortment of feminine products and told us where to go. Daryl is a liar, because the gas station only carried two types of maxi-pads and neither happened to be the kind that I preferred, but I was a trooper and I got the crappy maxi-pads.

It really did all work out, though, because after I mentioned the crappiness of the maxi-pads and the likeliness of my awaking in a puddle of blood, my mom and aunt decided to share a bed and let me enjoy sleeping alone.

I dunno about your kids, but mine do not react well when they switch from eating fruits, vegetables, and meat at each meal (er, mostly) to having an IV drip of liquid chocolate for 48 straight motherfucking hours. We chose to celebrate Easter at my parent’s house on Saturday evening, to celebrate at home Sunday morning and to celebrate at the in-law’s on Easter afternoon. Which meant that there were THREE egg hunts, THREE baskets full of candy each, and TWO very hyper, very annoying children.

Would you like to hear what my children had for breakfast? Jelly beans. And Reese’s eggs. Also? Big chocolate bunny ears.

I never thought I would say this, but CHOCOLATE? We are through. I break up.

(I’ll call you.)

So, what did the Easter Bunny bring you? I would tell you what he brought me, but you’d just get all jealous and tell me how much you hate me. No, really. You would. I know you.

While I’m thinking about it, am I the only one in the world that did not know the origins of the Easter Bunny and the eggs and all that jazz? I mean, seriously, the biggest Christian holiday EVAH and yet we celebrate with Pagan traditions? That makes me laugh.

Hope y’all had fun hunting eggs.

PS- He brought me a new laptop! Don’t hate me!

PPS-That’s not entirely true. He just ordered me one! It’ll be here soon!

PPPS-Peace out.

Cleatus has this friend. We shall call him Joe. Cleatus was at Joe’s house awhile back playing video games. Joe invited some girl over as well. Joe wanted to get some. Joe is not the smoothest when it comes to the ladies. Cleatus left the two love birds and went home.

The next morning he called Joe to see how the night progressed.

Joe got lucky. How did he make his move, you ask?

While Joe and this girl were watching television he looked at her and asked “Can I put my ding in your woo-hoo?”

The girl? She said “I don’t care.”

I’m not sure which is funnier. A grown man calling it a ding and a woo-hoo or the girl replying with a bored “I don’t care.”

Cleatus needs new friends.