So you know how I recently acquired a furry little kitty and I was just so in love and AW, SQUISHY LITTLE KITTY. Yes, well. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? Lily (the kitty) is driving me fucking nuts.

When I eat she jumps on my face and tries to climb inside my mouth to get at the food.

When I sit on the couch she wraps herself around my neck and digs her head into my hair and tries to eat it.

If I leave my bedroom door open at night she comes in and LAYS ON MY FACE. Have you ever woken up to find a big furball staring you in the eyes? It is creepy. Also, hairy.

When she poops she immediately comes to me and walks her butt somewhere near my nose and then I gag and scream and WIPE YOUR FUCKING ASS, YOU STUPID CAT. What does she think the roll of toilet paper sitting next to her litter box is for, anyway?

When I am on my laptop she lies on her back under my arms and chews on my elbow.

The children who named her, MY CHILDREN, can not remember her fucking name. “Where’s Lela?” “Mom! Lulu is bugging me!” Her name is Lily. REMEMBER IT, FUCKER.

Jesus. Stupid cats. What was I thinking? Just now I had to yell “No means no! Get your butt out of my face!” Does she listen though? No. She just climbs back up where she wants to be.

It’s a good damn thing she’s so cute. And that she lets me rock her like a little baby and sing her lullabies. And sometimes when I’m sitting on the couch she climbs up on my chest and leans back on me, resting her little head between my boobs and she purrs as looks up at me. And she curls up next to the kids and loves on them. And she pisses Cleatus off to no end.

I guess I’ll keep her.

So my husband finally broke. He is now the proud owner of a stray kitty. Poor guy, he hates cats. For eight looooong years I’ve been asking for a kitten. And for eight looooong years he’s been saying no. That all changed on Thursday night. I called him at work to tell him about the kitten my cousin found on the side of the road. I told him that I knew it was a bad time to get a kitty (since we’re planning on trying to sell our house in the next couple of weeks), but that THIS WAS FATE and THIS POOR LITTLE BABY WAS GOING TO DIE and DID HE WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT? DID HE?

Obviously, he didn’t. Also, I think the fake tears I injected in the middle of the conversation helped somewhat. I can pretty much get whatever I want if I just cry about it. And luckily I can cry on demand. But, lets be honest here, you would have done the same thing.

Don’t feel too sorry for him. I’ve caught him playing with her a couple times now. He acts all tough and manly, but it’s a facade. He just likes to think he’s a cold-hearted bastard who doesn’t care about sweet little animals. I’ll bet he lets Lily lick his face when I’m not watching.

The kids seem to really enjoy playing with her, except…well…I hate to say it, but I think that Cindy-Lu might be insane. Like, REALLY insane or something. You know how the crazy murderers start out hurting small animals? Yes, well. Cindy-Lu will be gently playing with Lily and then all of a sudden she’ll look at me and say “Can I pull her tail?” or “Can I knock her down?” or “Can I poke her in the eye?” I’ve started hiding all the kitchen knives. And locking my bedroom door at night.

Is this normal? Do all children go through a violent phase? She has also been threatening her brother and her cousin. If they do something to piss her off she says “If you don’t stop doing dat, I will hit you in da face!” or “If you do dat again I will kick your head!” She’s never actually followed through on her threats, but one of these days I’m afraid one of them is gonna get an ass kickin’.

I can’t help but notice that this didn’t start until I started threatening to spank her (and following through a couple of times). WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY BABY? I’ve turned her into a serial killer, that’s what. So, obviously, I’ve switched back to time outs. I might have to physically hold her in the chair for the three minutes she gets time out, but damn it, that girl gets time out!

And since I’m jumping from topic to topic anyway, I might as well add that Eeyore is still as sweet as pie. And handsome too.

Now I think I’ll go bake some brownies. I’m hungry, yo.