Would someone care to explain to me why the world is out to get me? Everyone knows that I live at Wal-Mart and pretty much every blog post ever written by me mentions Wal-Mart. In fact, I’m starting to think that Wal-Mart should PAY ME for all the advertising I do for them. Except for today’s post. Today I have a little rant about Wal-Mart.

I love Kraft Seven Seas Viva Italian Salad Dressing. It is the salad dressing that I grew up eating. In fact, one summer when I was around eight years old, my friend and I snuck into my kitchen, filled two small ziploc baggies with the salad dressing and then snuck out to the big hill at the edge of our back yard and hid behind some bushes and DRANK the salad dressing from the baggies. THAT IS HOW GOOD KRAFT SEVEN SEAS VIVA ITALIAN SALAD DRESSING IS. I can drink the shit. And, so of course, Wal-Mart has decided to no longer stock it. Thank you Wal-Mart.

Moving on from salad dressing to Hamburger Helper. When Cleatus and I were first married I made Hamburger Helper about 4 nights a week. (Oh, and by first married, I totally mean the first 3 years.) The other 3 nights we ate fast food. That is a lot of Hamburger Helper. I love Hamburger Helper. In fact, I made it for dinner tonight. I like to make the Cheeseburger Macaroni kind and then put a big scoop on some Butternut White Bread and make it a little sandwich. I can’t even begin to tell you all the health benefits of THAT. Anyway, while I do love me some Cheeseburger Macaroni, everyone knows that I LOVE Mexican food more than all else and so the Nacho Hamburger Helper was my ABSOLUTE favorite. I know y’all are dying to know how I served it and so I will share with you. I would crunch up some Tostitos chips in the bottom of a bowl, plop a big spoonful or three of Hamburger Helper on top of the chips, add shredded cheese, lettuce, salsa and sour cream. Then I’d stir it all up into one big mess and eat my weight in Hamburger Helper comfort food goodness. AND GUESS WHAT? Wal-Mart no longer carries Nacho Hamburger Helper. Bastards.

But here is the kicker. I went to Alabama a few months ago and got hooked on sweet tea. I love sweet tea. But I can’t make it for shit. (Any Southerners out there with sweet tea tips? I will love you long time.) So,  I decided to try a jug of the Red Diamond Sweet Tea. I know, I know. It couldn’t possibly taste good, its pre-made, old tea. OHMAHGAWD! That tea? It is so fucking good. Cleatus and I go through nearly a gallon a day. That is, we DID go through nearly a gallon day. That’s right. Wal-Mart has been out of Red Diamond for over a week now and its starting to look like they aren’t going to be stocking it again anytime soon.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really don’t.

Now, lets hear some of your favorite foods that have been discontinued? I’m not the only one this happens to, right?

Wal-Mart used to be the place I would take Cindy-Lu when she was feeling cooped up for to long and wanted to get out. I am inevitably out of some sort of food product or other miscellaneous crap that you can get so cheaply at Wal-Mart so it just made sense to take her there when she wanted to leave the house. That playground shit is for the birds.

Recently I made the mistake of letting Cindy-Lu walk in Wal-Mart. We had just run in to grab one thing and I really didn’t need a cart and she was being so good that day that I just let her walk. Now, I’m sure you other mothers are out there shaking your heads and calling me an idiot, because you know what I did not.

She will never get in that god damn cart again. Ever. Not for a second. Don’t even try it or she will go limp and fall to the floor in a heap of anger and tears. And loud noise. Lots of loud noise will come from that lifeless little pile of girl child.

I am now making even MORE trips to Wal-Mart (something I didn’t even think was possible!) because short trips are the only ones that work when you have a two and a half year old trying to run all over the store and you are constantly shouting "Hold Bubba’s hand!" and "Eeyore, stop jerking her around like that!" and then she is saying "Be gentle, Bubba! Be gentle with Cindy-Lu!" and then the other patrons of the store are glaring at you for making your seven year old take care of your two year old so you can just buy some god damn fruit snacks for the children and get the hell out of there.

So, to make a long story even longer, today we were at Wal-Mart and Cindy-Lu was holding Eeyore’s hand and they were walking along and behaving decently enough when some asshole old man comes walking down the aisle. Now, I hate children running around the store as much as the next person and my kids get their asses kicked if they behave that way. So, they were both all the way against the edge of the aisle and I was on the other side of the aisle, but a few steps ahead of them. The kids were just walking down the aisle following their mother like little ducks, minding their own business, being well behaved, and not bothering anyone or even making a noise. The man had PLENTY of room to veer around them. Instead he chose to play chicken with my seven and two year old.

He was within inches of stepping on them when I said "Eeyore, watch out buddy! Apparently that man can’t see you!" He just kept right on walking, didn’t apologize, didn’t acknowledge that he was a fucker. Nothing.

Which is why, when we came to the book section and I saw the man sitting on the bench , I encouraged the children to sit on the bench next to him while I browsed the book section. And I did not tell them to stop bouncing around or climbing on the bench. I did not ask them to sit quietly. I did not reprimand them one time for making the man’s few minutes of rest a living hell.

Bastard.